Gnomish Limericks (poetry)

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Written and performed by the gnome Starchitin Elfpeer, the sole purpose of these limericks are to annoy. Not being a bard, or any other type of performer unless it serves to annoy, his limericks are not always the best written.

The Original

His first limerick was written upon his return to River's Restfrom the town of Solhaven, he wished to express his disgust with the town and poke fun at it's residents.

Lyrics of the Original

   "There once was a fellow from Sol Haven
     He fell in love with a black raven
     Till one bloody morn
     his manhood was shorn
     By the beak of his beloved."

Reception

Seeing the looks of disgust on the faces of the adventurers he sang his creation for delighted the little gnome to no end, causing him to sing it to any he could get to stay in one place long enough to hear it.

Number Two

The first may very well have been the last if not for a trouble maker coming to town and causing the locals seemingly unending grief. The little gnome couldn't resist creating a little ditty to sing behind the troublemaker's back and amuse himself and others. When one day the troublemaker wandered in and heard the limerick, his reaction taught Starchitin a valuable (to him anyway) lesson; limericks can be used to annoy much better when they're about the listener.

Lyrics of Number Two

   "There once was a fellow named ####ner
     he went and tried on a bostier
     he pulled it too tight
     it was such a freight
     he suddenly looked like a rapier!"

(note: name obscured to protect the guilty)

The Following

After learning the power of limericks to aggravate and annoy, he immediately started writing more about whoever happened to be around. In the process, inadvertently reveling that he had a much larger vocabulary then any would think a gnome capable of.

Number Three

   "There once was a chick named Meirit
     she looked a lot like a ferret
     one day she did squeal
     after Maelkyth had a feel
     because she had bared it"

Number Four

   "There once was a fellow named Maelkyth
     he had a troublsome engastrimyth
     so he made up a noose
     but it was loose
     and so there is no epimyth "

Number Five

   "Once there was a guy named Urisk
     He was watching Llauruna perform burlisque
     when she bent over
     he'd found his new lover
     good thing he's not got a skerrick"

New Development

After a while he also started memorializing important events and lost residents in his limericks. Especially if those events were embarrassing to the subjects. He delighted in his writing to no end, immortalizing many residents in gnomish mischief.

Ode to Grandsome

   "There once was a thief named Grandsome
     he wasn't anywhere near handsome
     he ran accross a monkey
     then things got all funky
     the beast killed him and asked for a ransom"

Ode to WidleBeest

   "There was once a locksmith named 'Beest
     He was nowhere near being the least
     he picked lots of boxes
     and outsmarted the foxes
     Till one day they gave him a big feast"

Popularity

After a while, some locals in River's Rest started to think it somewhat of an honor to have a limerick written about them by the troublesome gnome. Being pests to the pest, they badgered him into reluctantly creating limericks about them.

Forced the First

   "There once was a munchkin named Bumples
     He had a brother named Scrumples
     He found a dark elf
     and he thought to himself
     "I'd date her but I'd end up with the Mumples."

Forced the Second

   "There once was a goddess named Kalanira
     She was married to a halfling with progeria
     She wished him to be well
     So she cast him a spell
     Now he thinks he's married to Salanira"

Continuing

As the years have progressed, the gnome has created many other limericks. A selection of which are included below, some are not included because they are SO horrible they should be allowed to fade from history, others because there simply is not enough space for all of them.

Last One

   "There is an empath named Bijou
     the gnomes she would heal were quite few
     Till one came aroun
     and swept her arse down
     and said "Heal me or you'll turn blue""

Last Two

   "There once was a harpy named Godyva
     She sure had a lot of saliva
     she spit on a troll
     and knocked it out coll
     can annathing possibly survive'ha?"

Last Three

   "There was a cleric in the Rest
     he thought he was the best
     till he picked a lock
     and was knocked off his block
     who would have ever gest"

Last Four

   "Conlin the giant
     wasn't very self reliant
     buryed by a wight
     it was such a fright
     now he's so much more pliant!"

Last Five

   "There once was a sorcerer named Marclar
     he sure had a lota hair
     it went this way and that
     so not even a hat
     could tame that great hairy bear"

Last Six

   "There's a ranger named Katrian
     she lived inside a latrian
     she picked a box
     and it gave her the pox
     now she's much more serene"

Last and Final

   "Apoc was a great picker
     there was naeone quicker
     till he found a boomer
     it was a big doomer
     now he's the picker with liquer!"

Conclusion

While the little troublesome gnome has started traveling more outside of town, he's always on the lookout for new subjects for his awefull art. Those that run into him should beware or they may end up the subject of the first limerick he writes outside the Rest.