Khaell's Sarcastic Paladin Guide
Paladin Training Guide (Totally Serious, Not At All Sarcastic™)
Paladins are divine warriors who combine martial strength with holy magic. In practice, this means you’ll swing a big weapon, wear plate, pray constantly, and still run out of mana halfway through your hunt.
Suggested Training Path
The following training tables are provided to give you a rough idea of how you should ruin your training points.
Core Training
| Skill | Suggested Ranks | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Armor Use | 2x per level | If you can’t stand up in plate, why are you even here? |
| Physical Fitness | 2x per level | More stamina for smiting, more HP for bleeding, more reasons to annoy empaths. |
| Combat Maneuvers | 1x per level | So you can feel useful before a Warrior shows you how it’s really done. |
| One-Handed Weapon of Choice (or) | 2x per level | Perfect for when you’d like your enemies to know you’re only using half your potential. |
| Two-Handed Weapons or Polearms | 2x per level | Big weapon go brrrr. |
| Multi Opponent Combat (MoC) | 1x per level | Because sometimes hitting two critters is better than missing just one. |
| Shield Use | 0x–1x per level | For Paladins who gave up on fun and use a tiny one-handed weapon. |
| Spells (Paladin Circle) | 1x per level | Just enough to unlock your next divine disappointment. |
Core training is where Paladins burn all their training points on the bare minimum needed to survive wearing 140 pounds of metal and swinging a tree trunk around. Armor Use is non-negotiable — unless your dream is to roleplay as a tipped cow. Physical Fitness keeps you upright for an extra 3 seconds before bleeding out, while Combat Maneuvers let you feel tactical until a Warrior shows you how it’s actually done. Weapon training is your bread, butter, and entire pantry, because if you aren’t swinging hard, you’re just a Cleric without the healing. MoC is there so you can miss multiple targets at once, and spells… well, let’s just say they’re divine participation trophies reminding you you’re still not a caster.
Secondary Training
| Skill | Suggested Ranks | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| First Aid | 0.5x per level | Bandage your own wounds while crying. |
| Spiritual Lores (Blessings) | 1x if you’re ambitious | Makes your smites shinier. Not stronger, just shinier. |
| Perception | 0.5x per level | Spot traps, still fail them. |
| Climbing/Swimming | 10–20 ranks | Required to remind you plate armor is a life choice, not a smart one. |
Secondary skills are the things you pick up when you realize you still have TPs left over (which, spoiler, you won’t). First Aid and Survival are nice if you want to pretend you’re self-sufficient, but realistically you’ll still cry for an empath the second you start bleeding. Perception helps spot traps you’ll blunder into anyway, and a smattering of Climbing/Swimming is mandatory unless you enjoy drowning in your plate harness. Lores are where Paladins convince themselves they’re “enhancing their smites,” when in reality it’s just more ways to sink points into being slightly shinier before you get webbed.
Spell Training
The Paladin circle is full of exciting abilities, like:
- 1601 (Basically, Protection from Evil): Good if you only fight evil. Bad news: most critters are just “jerks,” not “evil.”
- 1605 (Arm of the Arkati): Makes you feel strong, until you remember you could’ve just swung harder.
- 1615 (Repentance): When it hits, you feel godly. When it misses, you reconsider all your life choices.
- 1625 (Holy Weapon): Turns your weapon into a glowstick. Rave responsibly.
- 1640 (Divine Word): Lets you raise the dead, but only if you hoarded Spirit Lore, Religion like a paranoid squirrel.
Training Tip: 1x per level in your spell circle will get you there. More than that, and you’re just a Cleric with worse spells.
Combat Maneuvers
Pick the ones that make you feel cool. They won’t save you, but they’ll look good in logs. Heck, pick them all.
- Tainted Weapon: Because every Paladin has to name their weapon. Usually something embarrassing and tainted like “Koar’s Justice Stick.”
- Surge of Strength: Buffs your STR. Basically steroids for holy people.
- Cunning Defense: Pretend you’re agile while wearing 140 pounds of steel.
Example Build: Level 30 Paladin
| Skill | Ranks | Why? |
|---|---|---|
| Armor Use | 60 | Because standing up in plate is the Paladin endgame. |
| Physical Fitness | 60 | You’ll still die, just slower. |
| Two-Handed Weapons | 60 | Overcompensating, loudly. |
| Combat Maneuvers | 30 | Because you’re not a Warrior, but you want to be. |
| MoC | 30 | Whirlwind your way into missing three targets at once. |
| Paladin Spells | 30 | Unlock the sacred power of disappointment. |
| Blessings Lore | 20 | You told yourself it was worth it. It wasn’t. |
Hunting Tips
- March confidently into the hunting ground.
- Cast every buff you own until you glow brighter than a lantern.
- Swing once. Miss.
- Get webbed, stunned, or knocked prone.
- Call for rescue. “But I’m a Paladin!” you protest, as if that matters.
- Repeat. Forever.
Pros and Cons
Pros:
- Plate armor makes you feel important.
- Big weapons. Big numbers. Big vibes.
- Can raise people and pretend you are a cleric.
- Look noble while face-down in the dirt.
Cons:
- You are basically a Warrior with homework.
- Mana pool smaller than your patience.
- Encumbrance is your arch-nemesis.
- Everyone thinks “rescuing” is your entire personality.
Common Mistakes New Paladins Make
- Wearing Plate Too Early You jumped straight into plate at level 5 because “Paladins wear plate.” Now you can’t stand up, can’t swim, can’t climb, and you sound like a trash cart rolling down cobblestones. Congratulations.
- Overtraining in Spells You thought you’d be a caster-Paladin. Cute. What you actually are is a Cleric with a worse spell list and an even worse mana pool.
- Ignoring Physical Fitness “Who needs stamina?” you asked. Then you discovered Chastise use stamina. Now you’re lying in a swamp with 0 stamina, watching a rolton headbutt you to death.
- Forgetting to Stock Favor “Don’t worry, I’ve got Symbols!” you declare with holy confidence—before realizing you never actually bothered smiting the undead to gain favor. The undead are unbothered. Your order is unimpressed. Your group is unimpressed. And yes… Voln are unimpressed,
- Using a Shield and a One-Handed Weapon Yes, it’s more defensive. Yes, it’s thematic. But you rolled a Paladin for big damage. This is like buying a warhorse and using it as a lawnmower.
- Overestimating Encumbrance “I can carry this chest.” No, you can’t. Now you’re moving at the speed of continental drift and the kobolds are lapping you.
- Relying on Divine Strike You cast it. You flare. You miss. Every. Single. Time. It’s like gambling, except the house always wins and the house is a skeletal soldier.
- RPing Too Hard There’s “roleplaying a devout knight,” and then there’s screaming “REPENT, HERETIC” every time a sorcerer casts Pain. Even your god is embarrassed.
- Thinking You’re the Group’s Tank You’re not. You’re a glorified speed bump. The critters go through you to get to the wizard anyway.
- Forgetting to Drag Your Own Corpse You heroically drag three friends back to town, raise one, bless another’s weapon, then die to a kobold trap. Nobody drags you back. Because you forgot to drag yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q: Are Paladins good solo hunters?
A: Only if you enjoy suffering. You can solo, sure — just bring 47 spells, 3 alchemy potions, 2 divine favors, and the patience of a saint. Otherwise, expect to crawl back to town bleeding, whispering “never again”.
Q: Do Paladins do good damage?
A: Sometimes. You’ll either one-shot an undead abomination with a glorious smite that makes Koar himself nod in approval, or you’ll flail uselessly at a kobold and wonder why you didn’t just roll a Warrior.
Q: What weapon should I use?
A: The biggest one you can lift without collapsing. Paladins aren’t subtle. Two-handers and polearms scream “look at me!”. One-handers whisper “I made mistakes.”
Q: Are Paladins good in groups?
A: Absolutely. You can bless weapons, raise people, and drag corpses. Basically, you’re the group’s divine pack mule. But hey — at least everyone claps when you smite something.
Q: What makes Paladins unique?
A: You get plate armor, divine magic, and self-rezzing. That sounds great until you realize your “uniqueness” is being a Warrior who dies righteously with sparkle effects.
Q: Do people actually play Paladins?
A: Yes. They’re the ones sighing loudly in TSC about how expensive armor repairs are while glowing faintly from 12 active spells.
Q: Should I play a Paladin?
A: Only if you want to look noble while face-down in a swamp, dragging boxes you can’t open, glowing like a lantern, and constantly telling everyone “By the Arkati’s light, I will prevail!” before promptly not prevailing.
Final Thoughts
Paladins are holy warriors destined for greatness, assuming greatness involves dying loudly in full plate while swinging a weapon you can barely carry. Play one if you want to feel righteous, judged, and constantly broke.
P.S. If you read this and thought, “wow, one-handed weapon training really is the pinnacle of martial excellence,” congratulations—you’ve just mastered the fine art of setting the bar ankle-high. To conclude: seek out another reputable guide, study it thoroughly, and apply what you learn with discipline. A sharp mind and steady practice will outmatch flair every time.
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