Hyoko (prime)

The Legend of Wilbur the Warrior Roach

By: Hyoko Fujimoro

Hyoko recites:

"There are many fine fighting types who have been members or are members of this fine Hall. Former members such as Lady Ingrid, Lord Metaboculous, Lady Kythyn and Passion come to mind."

"I shall not mention present members for fear of slighting someone by not mentioning a name, but there are many fine, fine fighters in Helden Hall."

"However, there is one former resident of this Hall that stands among the greatest fighters ever to reside here. Yet I am certain you have never heard the legend of this warrior."

"He is...Wilbur the Warrior Roach."

"Now I know there has been some concern about the cockroaches that seem to inhabit Helden Hall, and discussions about getting rid of them...."

"...but they have a society of their own, too, and a proud legacy which I won't get into here because, um, they might not have a proud legacy."

"Oh, I should mention that in the telling of this story I will be assigning familiar names to various roaches for identification purposes."

"Anyway, one day the king of the Helden Hall roaches...for identification's sake, let's call him 'the Yarx roach'..."

"...decided that something had to be done about the fearsome Stomping Boot Monster which had been wiping out so many of his subjects."

"So the Yarx roach called his faithful subjects together. After only one or two appeared, he added a call for all his unfaithful subjects to appear also, and quickly had many, many roaches."

"He announced that a champion was needed to go defeat the Stomping Boot Monster, and would a brave warrior roach step forward?"

"Of course, with all the scurrying that roaches do, it was impossible to determine if a roach had volunteered among all the scurrying to and fro."

"So the Yarx roach had to find another means of determining the champion."

"There were many brave fighting types present. The Ruffelin roach. The Strathe roach. The Jeanius roach. The Metadi roach." "The Metadi roach was so occupied with running away from a horde of pursuing female roaches that he was of no use to the Yarx roach at all."

"And the others were involved with some roach order called the Silly Gripe-ons or something like that, and didn't have the time to help."

Hyoko rolls his eyes.

Hyoko recites:

"And everyone decided that the Hyoko roach was far too stuffy to even talk to about undertaking the mission, of course."

Hyoko gazes in wonder at his surroundings.

Hyoko recites:

"So the Yarx roach was becoming discouraged. He called for his trusted advisors, the Tiashi roach, the Rabekka roach and the Lissanne roach."

Hyoko sashays about with a content look on his face.

Hyoko recites:

"They suggested that the Yarx roach offer one of his daughters to the champion who defeats the Stomping Boot Monster."

"It didn't seem like much of an offer, though, considering that it wasn't really easy to determine whose eggs were his, and there were several million of them, and they all looked the same."

"Just one daughter was hardly a prize."

"The Yarx roach was getting very discouraged."

"He even called for his fool to entertain him, but despite the best efforts of the Greyotter roach, the Yarx roach was still in a funk."

Hyoko sighs inconsolably.

Hyoko recites:

"Finally, a small voice piped up from the back of the crowd. "I'll go!"

"The Yarx roach asked, "Who are you?" and the young roach replied, "I am Wilbur!""

"The Yarx roach asked, "Why would you want to go?" and the young roach replied, "Because I have nothing better to do?""

"It seemed to be a very good answer, because roaches really don't have much of anything better to do."

"So they outfitted Wilbur with the best mithril toothpick they could locate and sent him on his way to find and kill the fearsome Stomping Boot Monster!"

"Now, unbeknownst to the roachen kingdom, Wehnimer's Landing was beset by an invasion of epic proportions just at that time."

"Large horrible things and small nearly as horrible things were invading the very streets of our Landing, and people were dying like roaches, so to speak."

"Wilbur started out to find the Stomping Boot Monster."

Hyoko sashays about with a content look on his face.

Hyoko recites:

"Wait. That's not right."

Hyoko marches back and forth, sharply turning at the end of each stride.

Hyoko recites:

"That's better. He searched high and low within the walls of the Hall, but found nothing except large footprints."

"Finally he reached the gate of the Hall and found a small band of Hallers defending the gate against a particularly nasty looking troll emperor."

Hyoko says:

"It's my story. I'll make up troll emperors if I like."

Hyoko recites:

"The ground was littered with debris from the bodies of those the troll emperor had killed earlier. Weapons, armor, backpacks. Even a small piece of soggy bread."

"It was a difficult decision for Wilbur. Attack the troll emperor, or eat the soggy bread?"

"Fortunately the troll emperor did no real damage during the time that Wilbur consumed the soggy bread except for killing a dozen or so Hallers."

"Shortly Wilbur was ready to help the remaining Hallers fight the troll emperor. But how to do so? It was then that Wilbur saw his opportunity."

Hyoko stares off into space.

Hyoko recites:

"He stole over quickly to the troll emperor and rushed up the troll emperor's leg, underneath the troll emperor's armor."

"Scuttling about in the famous and effective manner that roaches do, Wilbur tickled the troll emperor unmercifully, causing the troll emperor to fall down, roaring in laughter."

"A troll emperor roaring in laughter isn't much different from a troll emperor roaring for any other reason, and the Helden Hallers didn't stop to consider that it might be different."

"They rushed in and dispatched the helpless troll emperor."

"Wilbur, happily soaked in blood, returned to the Yarx roach and happily told his tale of valor."

"The entire roach kingdom was so impressed that they gave Wilbur a second piece of soggy bread and held a regal ceremony for him."

"Unfortunately, it was interrupted by a visit from the Stomping Boot Monster who made Wilbur into a permanent fixture in the Hall's stone floor."

Hyoko says:

"There you have legend of Wilbur the Warrior Roach, one of the finest fighters to ever grace the walls of Helden Hall."

Hyoko bows.