Kelfour Edition volume II number IV

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 / \                                                                     \
|   |                               Clerics and Unbelievable Statistics!  |
 |                                                                     |
 |                                                                     |
 |    GemStone III's                                  September 1991   |
 |                                                       Vol.2, No.4   |
 |               _   _           _    ___                              |
 |              / ) / )         / )  / __)                             |
 |             / /_/ /  ____   / / _/ (   ____   __  __  ____          |
 |            /   __/  / __ ) / / (  __) / _  ) / / / / / ___)         |
 |           / /\ \   / ___/ / /  / /   / (/ / / (_/ / / /             |
 |          (_/  \_) (____) (_(  (_(   (____/ (_____( (_(              |
 |         __              _____      _    _    _    _                 |
 |  \     /  \            / ____)    / )  (/  _/ )  (/                 |
 |  |\    \  / __        / (__   ___/ /  _   (  _) _   ____   ____     |
 |   \\    || /  \      / ____) / _  /  / )  / /  / ) / _  ) /    )    |
 |    (O==|  |    |    / (__   / (/ /  / /  / /  / / / (/ / / /) /     |
 |        |  |\__/    (_____) (____(  (_(  (_(  (_( (____/ (_((_(      |
 |        //\\                                                         |
 |       ||  ||               The Kronicles of Kulthea                 |
 |     __||__||_                                                       |
 |____/         \______________________________________________________|
 |                                                                     |
 |   Local News .................. Trophy owned by Vlad Drakulya   1   |
 |   Hunting the Hanging Inn ................... Kalagay Halatil   2   |
 |   Life or Death ............ Editorial by Wisraith Winterwind   3   |
 |   Playing the Cleric ................... Michaeloos Duraderos   4   |
 |   Transformed ............................. Amelda Heronheart   5   |
 |   Drawing Twentyfive ........... Owned by Airioch Ramthanadox   8   |
 |   A Cleric's Tale ............................... Faith Larks   9   |
 |   Thoreandan ................................ Bannor Trocolar  10   |
 |   Party at Argent Aspis ..................... Miriel Evenstar  11   |
 |   WolfCAKE ...................................... Hilgavolkas  12   |
 |   Letter to the Editor ............................ Kaoti Nim  12   |
 |   Chivalry in Action ..................... Gallenod Varynesti  13   |
 |   An Ear for the Uncommon ................. Belladonna Atropa  14   |
 |   Azia's Tale ................................. Dane Redlance  15   |
 |   BIG Like Everyone Else, Pt 2 ...... Avondale de|{nightSaber  18   |
 |   Go Figure ................................ Artemis Al~Anhir  20   |
 |   The Prying Parsnips ................ Miss Louvella Parsnips  30   |
 |                                                                     |
 | Kelfour Edition of the Kronicles of Kulthea is devoted to the multi-|
 | player roleplaying game GemStone III on  GEnie Information Network. |
 | Submissions  may  be edited  for space, accuracy  and  readability. |
 | Contact  Editor  Lady Wisraith Winterwind,  Assistant  Editor  Rune |
 | Arundel, Stringer Samwell Hawkholder, or Publisher Phaedra Bleu by  |
 | GE Mail to P.HERRINGTON for details.            Banner art by Yonah |
 |   __________________________________________________________________|___
 |  /                                                                     /
Local News:
Art Auction Raises 227,000 Silvers     Three Cheers!!! For Our Clerics!
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""     """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Several of  Kulthea's  big  spenders   This issue  of KE  features articles
gathered in the square last month to   by and about our Clerics, those won-
bid on  paintings, sculptures, ban-     derful (and surprisingly  powerful)
ners and trophies at Kelfour's            souls who save  us when we perish
first Summer Festival Art            __      from attacks by underestimated
Auction!                      \     /  \       monsters in the lands.
                              |\    \  / __
Vlad and Airioch left with     \\    || /  \     Four fairly new Livegiving
bulging portfolios. When        (O==|  |    |       (resurrecting)  clerics
we asked Count Vlad why             |  |\__/          you might want to get
he spend a small fortune            //\\                to know better are:
on artwork, the intrepid           ||  ||                Faith, Michealoos,
philanthropist replied,          __||__||_                Melda and Redeye.
"Over the centuries,       _____/         \_____
art is the only thing     /                     \
that gains sufficient-   /      This trophy      \
ly in value. That's     / honors those who fought \
kinda important to     /    and won in the 1991    \
us vampyres."         /   Kelfour Summer Festival   \
                     /       Gladitorial Games       \
                    /      Hosted by Vlad and Dec     \
       /       |  1 on 1   |Free for all|    Teams         |1 on 1  \
      /  Lvls  |(no magic) |  (magic)   |   (magic)        |(magic)  \
     |         |           |            |                  |          |
     |  1-3    | Kellryn   |  Isei      | Isei & Salazar   | Isei     |
     |  4-7    | Lelldorin |  Isei      | Alexis & Uriah   | Isei     |
     |  8-12   | Kenner    |  Gallenod  | Kenner & Kalagay | Joqain   |
     |  13-19  | Beolost   |  Beolost   | Beolost (solo)   | Joqain   |
      \  Lords | Ise       |  Talon     | Talon & Wisraith | Dagmar  /
                    \  Winner of the final, everyone  /
                     \   included free for all was   /
                      \           Dagmar            /
  Government in Kelfour's Declares:    accordance  with  the seriousness of
                                       your  offense,  and  will be able to
    Law and Order shall prevail!       collect  your  possessions  from the
    """"""""""""""""""""""""""""       office  of the Constable.  If you do
Several  changes  to law enforcement   not have enough silver on you to pay
within  the town limits of Kelfour's   your  fine, some of your possessions
Landing have been put into effect.     will  be  sold off to make good your
                                       debt.   The rest of your possessions
Murder  within  the  town limits, by   will  remain for you to retrieve for
weapon, by spell, or by wand attacks   up  to  one  hour after your arrest.
is now punishable by instant warrant   If  they are left in the Constable's
and arrest.                            Office  for more than an hour, it is
                                       very likely they will be permanently
Arrests no longer mean the automatic   confiscated  or appropriated by some
loss of your inventory.  You will be   of the less  upstanding law enforce-
taken  before  the  judge,  fined in   ment officials in town.
                                    -1-                        More News...
                     Existence Of Earth Substantiated
                   From FOE (Flows Of Essence) Newswire
Anaheim, August 10, 1991:    Fifteen   heat.   Amelda  and  Kaoti  (who had
adventurers overcame the problems of   plied  herself  with several glasses
inter-dimensional   travel  and  met   of  champagne)  shared their secrets
face  to  face as their alter ego's.   of love through the parser.  Gilthor
The  occasion  was the first meeting   and  Eowyn  told  of their quest and
of the Tribe, otherwise known as the   predicted their  return to Kelfour's
Southern  California  Players Group.   Landing  in  October.  After several
In  attendance  were  Kaoti, Inyigo,   hours,  the group noticed the dinner
Kyafar,  Siobann,  Kyanna,  Gilthor,   crowd  pulling  in  and  took  their
Eowyn,   Meriadoc,  Zepath,  Amelda,   meeting  out  into  the parking lot.
Zinderin,  Elvanion,  Shayna, Kenner   Still  going  strong as the sun sank
and Miriel.                            behind  the  horizon, Inyigo, Amelda
                                       and  Kaoti formed a caravan with the
The  group  met  at  Mimi's Cafe for   strange  metal  steeds they used for
lunch.   Over  a  sumptuous feast of   transportation  and followed Gilthor
deep   fried  foods,  they  compared   and Eowyn back to their lair.
notes  and  shared  surprise  at the
strange personages they had taken on   Many  thanks  to  Inyigo, Zepath and
in  the  earthly  land.   Though the   Zinderin for arranging the event.
group was located at the back of the
restaurant,  they  still  managed to   Editor's  Note:  KE has learned of a
shock  nearby  patrons  as  talk  of   similar gathering reputed on "earth"
dying, disembowelment, teleportation   scheduled  to  take place at a loca-
and spells drifted through the room.   tion  described  as  the Right Coast
Zepath  shared  his latest maps with   sometime  in  September.   Check the
the  group.   Elvanion took a lot of   MPGRT Bulletin Board for details.
   Hunting the Hanging Inn
   """""""""""""""""""""""             Remember: To SHARE silver coins with
     by Kalagay Halatil                all  members of  your hunting party,
    Sung to the tune of                hold hands and say SHARE <AMOUNT>.
 "The Teddy Bears' Picnic"
If you go into the Inn today                    //                    \
You better not go alone.                       ||   MPGRT Conferences  |
If you go into the Inn today                   ||  10PM ET, in Room 6  |
You better not go alone...                     ||  """"""""""""""""""  |
                                               || Sept. 3:             |
For every Orc and Marmot there was             ||    Monster Levels.   |
Will harry and tear at you just because        ||                      |
For them it is fun                             || Sept.10: CLERICS     |
A-watching you run                             ||   Class Discussions  |
To the attic.                                  ||   Guest: Taarna.     |
                                               ||                      |
If you hang out at the Inn today               || Sept. 17: Scenario   |
You better not be alone.                       ||   Development: Gira. |
If you hang out at the Inn today               ||                      |
A cleric should come along...                  || Sept. 24:            |
                                               ||"There Otter Be a Law"|
To bless your blade and pray for you           ||                  :-) |
(It's handy for resurrections too!)             \\____________________/
Then test the fates                                       || |
And go for the Wraiths                                    || |
In the attic.                                          ~~`~~~~''~~
                               Life or Death
                          by Wisraith Winterwind
  ___________            Editor of Kelfour Edition
 / \ ______  \
 \@|~ |_|~\\ |eath in Kulthea is not    ennui, many  said, "there's  nothing
  |   |~|  ||| as  it is  elsewhere.    left to  hunt." Suggestions of other
 _|   |~|  ||| As long as  one takes    prey often  led  to  a  response  of
/@|   |~|_// | the  minimal  precau-    "That  place  is  too  dangerous,  I
\_/  ~~~~~~  / tion of  obtaining  a    would die  there."  They  opted  for
  ~~~~~~~~~~   deed, physical  death    safety first  and,  ultimately  that
becomes almost  a trivial  matter, a    choice killed them.
temporary setback.  There was a time
when enough  deaths could  spell the    We should  not  fear  bodily  death.
end of  an  otherwise  distinguished    That is  not to  say we should reck-
career but  with  the  existence  of    lessly court  it, but  certainly  we
resurrecting  clerics   only  rarely    are the worse for our timidity if we
must we  rely on  Eissa's  sometimes    experience  nothing   new,   nothing
imperfect recreations of our bodies.    unknown, nothing  dangerous  because
Now the  worst  to  be  expected  is    we  fear   bodily  death.  Flesh  is
perhaps a  loss of equipment and not    repairable, replaceable;  experience
even  this   if  one  doesn't  carry    of variety is not.
valuables when alone.
                                        Is one  who hunts  only what is eas-
In Kelfour's  Landing the  only real    iest, least  dangerous the  one  you
death is  a cessation  of existence.    would rely on to lead a rescue party
Not  the  death  of  flesh  but  the    or  a   quest;  a   quest  certainly
absence  of  spirit  and  soul  with    designed to  test not  only strength
which to  animate our  easily regen-    of arms  but strength  of  mind,  of
erated bodies.  We have,  all of  us    flexibility,  of  courage?  No,  you
but  the  very  young  or  the  very    would not,  and neither  would I. We
timid, "died," our bodies failing to    would look  to those  with the  most
absorb  some  amount  of  punishment    practical experience,  those who had
dealt to  it.  Nonetheless,  we  see    faced a  multitude  of  dangers  and
each other day to day and thus prove    opponents, those  who, even if their
our existence  -- prove  that we yet    bodies died  in the process, learned
live.                                   from  those   encounters  techniques
                                        applicable to  new  situations.  The
Immortalitly? Alas, no. Many I could    only way  to become such a person is
name are gone from here, more surely    to _live_,  to fill  your  life  not
dead than could ever be accomplished    with the experience of hunting a few
by the  mere  destruction  of  their    things over  and over  again but  by
bodies.  What   killed  them?  Their    seeking  the   challenge  of   those
souls, gradually  or  all  at  once,    things which  you must  be smart  as
forsook  this   place.   Some   were    well as  strong to vanquish, seeking
broken, but  most simply  lost track    those areas  where  new  things  lie
of what  drew them here in the first    waiting for you to prove yourself.
place; experiencing   the  new,  the
unique and  the  exciting.  Physical    If  someone   cautions  you  against
death had nothing to do with it.        doing  something  or exploring some-
                                        where, tell him  to  take  his white
Somewhere along  the road  to great-    cane and crutches back to the hearth
hood, there  is temptation  to  take    at Threk's  where he  can listen  to
the short route to reach it. Many of    tales of valor, the like of which he
the truly  dead lost  their way when    will  never be  a part.  Kulthea  is
that short  route beckoned  to them,    large, and it bites.  You'd  best be
luring them  with promises  of quick    ready for what it slings at  you, or
glory. When asked the cause of their    stand aside for those who are.
                            Playing the Cleric
                          By Michealoos Duraderos
/ \ ____    ____\
\@| +|~| __ |~|+|anted: Bold and in-   EloQuence  is  automatically  90 and
  |  |~|/~~\|~| | trepid adventurers   determines how much field experience
 _|  |~/~/\~\~| | to join the honor-   you  can  acquire  before  you  must
/@| _|__/  \__|_| able profession of   rest.  PResence has few applications
\_/_____________/ Cleric.              so  put  your second lower statistic
                                       there.  The COnstitution bonus gives
Being  a  Cleric is not an easy task   you  some extra concussion points in
and  is probably the hardest profes-   addition   to  the  Base  Hit  Point
sion next to a healer.  As a result,   Total.  Put a number bettween 60 and
there  aren't  many around.  Clerics   80  here  and  hope  you roll a high
have  two  important  missions, pro-   potential.
tecting  life and destroying Unlife.
If you think you are tough and brave   After you  have your  statistics you
enough for this, read on.              need to  choose you race. One of the
                                       best races  for a Cleric is the half
Rolling  a  Cleric is simple.  Their   elf.   They  have  racial bonuses in
primary statistics are INtuition and   QUickness, STrength and AGility, and
EloQuence;  QUickness  and  STrength   a  maximum  of  150  base concussion
are  also  important,  and INtuition   points,   not  including  those  you
determines how many power points you   receive  due  to  your  COnstitution
gain at each level.  As you go up in   bonus.   They have a self discipline
level  you'll need many power points   penalty  (as  do all elves), a trait
to   cast  powerful  spells.   Don't   that  is  largely unimportant.  Fair
settle for the automatic 90 that you   elves  are  quicker  but weaker than
receive  for INtuition.  You want 97   half elves.  Wood elves are the most
or  higher;  with  100  you will get   agile  of  the  elves.  High men are
three power points per level.          the  strongest  of all the races but
                                       they  suffer  from  a QUickness pen-
QUickness determines  your defensive   alty.   Halflings  have  a  STrength
bonus (DB)  at parry  0 or without a   penalty  but  are  agile.  All races
weapon. At  all levels you will need   have  their  strengths  and weakness
a good DB to survive. You should try   and Clerics may be of any race.
to get  a 90 or better in QUickness.
With a  94 you  will get  a 14 point   Next  you  must  train  your Cleric.
bonus to  DB plus  the racial  bonus   You  should  train  at  every oppor-
(if any).  If you  choose a half elf   tunity  in  a  weapon,  the  easiest
the racial  bonus is  10. Next comes   being  single-handed edged.  You may
STrength,   this   determines   your   prefer  crushing  or two-handed wea-
physical attack, you should put a 90   pons.   Crushing weapons give better
or better  in this statistic. With a   criticals  and  are  better  against
95 you  will get  a 10  point  bonus   heavily   armored   monsters.   Two-
plus the  racial bonus.  Half  elves   handed  weapons  do more damage than
also get  a 10 point racial bonus in   other  weapons  but  you can't use a
STrength.                              shield when you attack which reduces
                                       you DB.  You can train only once per
When  you  roll your Cleric, try for   level in each kind of weapon.
least  three 90's or values over 90.
Put  a  decent  number in AGility as   The  next  thing to train in is body
this  helps with directed spells and   development.   This  increases  your
skinning.   REasoning determines how   concussion  points and allows you to
fast  you can absorb your experience   take   more  damage  without  dying.
so don't put a low number there.  As   After body development, always train
a  primary  statistic  for  Clerics,   twice in channeling until you have a
                                    -4-                 Continued on page 6
     _____ ._      ^    .   . ____  ___ ._. ._   .      . ___ ._
       |   | \    / \   |\  | |     |   | | | \  |\    /| |   | \
       |   |=/   /===\  | \ |  \==  |== | | |=/  | \  / | |== |  |
       |   | \  /     \ |  \|    /  |   |_| | \  |  \/  | |__ !_/......
              '             '  ,/   '          '
                            by Amelda Heronheart
|##########&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&' '""&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%|
|########&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&     ""   &&&&&&&&&&&&&%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%|
|############&&&&&&&&&     ///   .&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%|
|###########&&""   ;;           "&&&&&&&&&&&%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%|
|#########           /         "&&&&&&&&&&%%%%%%%%%%%%%%   '%%%%%%%%%%%%%%|
|######    \ /             /  "&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&%%%%%%%          \%%%%%%%%%%|
|####               \ / /     &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&%%%%'        \       '%%%%%|
|  #   /           \            ";\&&&&&&&&&&%%%                  "%% "%%%|
| ""                               ;&&&&&&&%%                )    \ %%%%%%|
| \\\    \ \  / /      _/___      :&&&&&%                           \%%%##|
|       \             /.@   }}>     &%%                         )     ;###|
|          __\__      \            / "                     ^          \###|
|""     ({{   @.\        \             "                   /       ; ) \##|
|##;      \_    /  \      \                               /  ^ ^  ) ) \ )#|
|###:               \      ;                           ## /  / /#  ^ \# ##|
|#//                 '.. .'                       )   ####/ / / # /;#  ;##|
|####                    | /^^\                     ) #####;# )/#//###|###|
|##///                 /^^^#| )\                 )   ######)#/### ####;###|
|###                /^#( |##|/##\                   #########"###;########|
|#"/;/             /####\|#######\            \     #############"########|
|###/         (    |#############|                \#######################|
|##;/              |##########|\#/                 #######################|
|####               \####/|###| )                 ;#######################|
|###;                 ^\( |#/^~~~       \\      "#########################|
|#;                     ~~^^                                   ###########|
|                                                                 ########|
|                    .     Milord (my Sweetheart) was a thief      ;######|
|                   \      His time in Kelfour's all too brief    ########|
|       //                 While scavenging for clues and such     #######|
|                          A werebear proved a trifle much.          #####|
|    __________________                                               ####|
|   / \                \   His life Eissa did retract                   ##|
|   |@/________________/   She was unmoved, for deeds he lacked!         #|
|   |                 |    When next I saw my darling's face             #|
|   |        A        |    How much had changed -- both class and race!   |
|   |  Most Grievous  |                                                   |
|   |                 |    A sorcerer with hair like night                |
|   |  = WEREBEAR =   |    And yet within, that glowing light             |
|   |                 |    The selfsame twinkle in his eye                |
|   |     of the      |    That speaks of love that ne'er will die.       |
|   |      Lower      |                                                   |
|   |   Dragonsfang   |    Though another minor alteration                |
|   |      Forest     |    Changed my dear one's blood and station       #|
|   | ________________!    From thief to healer, Half-Elf to Fair        #|
|   |@\                \   No change can dim the love we share.         ##|
|#  \_/________________/                                                ##|
|##      AH                                                           ####|
skill  of  a  100.   Next  to  spell    attack the Unlife.  The  Unlife  is
casting,   channeling  is  the  most    immune to normal weapon attacks.
important Clerical skill.  It allows
you to transfer power points between    Lifekeeping  (305) This spell binds
other  characters  in the channeling    the soul of a  fallen adventurer to
realm   who   also  have  channeling    his body for 30  additional seconds
skill.   You  also need a high chan-    per level of the caster. This spell
neling skill to resurrect.              is   used   in   preparation    for
When you  train in spells you should
always put  10 points into research.    Prayer  of Holding  II  (306)  This
You don't  want to take chances mis-    spell is  same  as  holding  I  but
sing a  roll; with  10 invested  you    affects Unlife levels 6 to 15.
are assured  of getting  the  spell.
Research the  first time  the closed    Repelundead  II (307) Same as Repel
channeling list;  you will  get  the    I but will affect Unlife of  levels
calm spell.  This  is  an  important    7 to 15.
tool for a Cleric in the performance
of   resurrections.   Research   the    Well of Life(308) Allows the caster
Cleric base  list every  time there-    to transfer life  levels  to  other
after and you will get lifegiving at    adventurers. The   amount  of  life
level 12.  Here is  a list  with all    levels depends  on  the  channeling
the spells  that you  will learn  in    skill of the caster  and the person
your quest for resurrection:            getting  the life levels. The spell
                                        won't allow the caster to go  to no
 Calm1  (201) calms a creature so it    life   levels  so  the  caster will
 can't attack until the  spell wears    always have at least one level left
 off or  it is attacked. This  spell    after casting the spell.
 works on any kind of monster.
                                        Neutralize  Curse (309)  This spell
 Prayer of Holding1 (301) Will put a    removes a curse from an item for 10
 monster in a sleep  like state. Its    seconds per  level  of  the caster.
 DB goes to zero and OB decreases by    The curse  will  return  after  the
 30. It can attack  you after  it is    spell wears off.
 attacked but it will still be held.
 The spell's duration is  10 seconds    Sphere  of Protection  (310)   This
 per level of the  caster.  It works    spell is like Resistance I but will
 on Unlife levels 1 to level 5.         protect everyone  joined  with  the
                                        Cleric. After that the group can be
 Repelundead1  (302)   This is  your    disbanded  and  all  will  still be
 main weapon against the  Unlife. It    protected.
 destroy the monster if it fails the
 resistance roll badly. Or  else, if    Blinding  (311)   This spell  stuns
 it fails the roll it will run to an    any  creature    that   fails   its
 adjacent room.   Affects Unlife  to    resistance roll. After a  sucessful
 level 6.  If the  creature does not    cast, the  target loses some of its
 fail the resistance roll, the spell    DB  and  can't  attack for the dur-
 only costs one power point.            ation of the spell  which  lasts  5
                                        seconds per level of the caster.
 Resistance1   (303)   This   spell
 improves  your   moral   fortitude,    Lifegiving   I  (312)   This  spell
 giving a +10 to  your DB  and  your    returns life to a dead  player.  It
 resistance rolls.  Its duration  is    takes  75%  of  the  caster's  life
 15 seconds per level of the caster.    levels.   Your  chance  of  failure
                                        depends on your  channeling  skill.
 Holy Blade (304) this spell changes    If you  fail you will not lose your
 a normal weapon into  a holy weapon    life levels, though you  will  lose
 which can be  used  by  anybody  to    the  power points.  After you  cast
                                    -6-                             More...
 this spell you will be stunned from   this will  help you  in skinning and
 the shock of transferring your life   if you  get hurt  you may be able to
 essence to the dead body.             stop the bleeding until you get to a
                                       healer.  You  can  train  twice  per
These  are  not  all  of  the spells   level in  this  skill.  Training  in
available but from here on most will   trading helps you lower the price of
be  more  powerful versions of these   the items  that  you  buy  from  the
spells.   You  can  study from three   merchants in  town and allows you to
lists:   Cleric  base,  Closed Chan-   bargain   harder   without  angering
neling  and  Open  Channeling lists.   them:   Train  once  the  first  two
Wait until you get to Lifegiving1 to   training  sections.  The rest of the
train   on  other  lists.   A  spell   skills  don't  concern  Clerics much
unique  to Clerics is Commune.  This   but rigid leather is a good skill to
spell (Cleric base) is learned after   have  if you plan to fight creatures
you reach Lord level.  It allows you   with natural attacks.  These attacks
to  call on a deity for help, though   are  bite,  claw, stomp, sting, etc.
which  one  responds depends on fate   Remember  that  wearing  armor has a
or luck.  There is a chance that the   basic  penalty  that you can't avoid
gods  won't  listen  at all in which   no   matter  your  number  of  skill
case  you  get  some  of  your power   ranks.   Much has been written about
points back.                           armor in previous Kelfour Editions.
After  spells,  you  should train in   After  this  you  are ready to go to
staves/wands.   This  allows  you to   the  world  and  fight  the  Unlife.
cast  spells imbedded in the essence   With this begins the great quest for
and  channeling  staves  and  wands.   the  supreme  power of resurrection,
There  are  five  wands  that can be   dur- ing which you will certainly be
found  as treasure.  Iron and silver   witness  to  this  god  given  power
wands  both  cast  shockbolt.  Metal   either  when  performed  on  you  or
wands cast ice ball and golden wands   others.   Once  you can cast Well of
cast  firebolt.   You  can use these   Life  you  can  help  fellow Clerics
wands but take a -30 penalty for not   prepare for other resurrections.
being  of  the  essence  realm.  You
will  need 6 skill ranks in order to   As  a  level  one  Cleric you should
overcome  the  penalty.   The  oaken   hunt   torkans  and  kobolds.   Wait
wand   which   casts   Unstun  is  a   until  you  have learned Repel I and
channeling wand.  This wand can help   Holy  Blade  to  test your mettle in
a  fellow  Cleric  recover  from the   the  graveyard.   You will find much
shock  of  a  resurrection.  You can   Unlife  there,  of all levels.  Some
train twice per level in this skill.   Unlife  can cast the fear spell.  Be
Not  as  cheap  to  train  in as for   careful  with  these  creatures  and
mages  or sorcerers but much cheaper   don't  fight  them  alone or you may
that any other profession.             well  lose your possessions and your
                                       life.   There  is some new Unlife in
Next comes  directed spells. This is   the  coastal cliff area:  ghosts and
OB for elementals attacks. This also   spectral  fisherman.  The ghosts are
increases your  DB against elemental   level  2  and  can  be killed easily
spell attacks.  You can  train  only   once  you have Repel1.  The spectral
once per  level but  at a  modest  3   fishermen  are  level  6 and you can
points. Train  next  in  first  aid:   use   Repel1   on   them  too.   The
      /                                                              \
     |  Figure 1: Channeling Formula                                  |
     |                                                                |
     |   sender's    /          receiver's   /          number of     |
     |  channeling / 100   *   channeling  / 100   *   power points   |
     |    skill  /                skill  /                            |
                                -7-                             More...
fishermen  use have an OB of 40 with   and you  are out  of  power  points.
their  nets.   If  your DB is better   After you  know that you have plenty
than 40, and you wear heavy hide you   of time,  calm all  the monsters  in
should  not  worry about receiving a   the area.  You may  ask other adven-
critical  from  one  unless  its net   turers to  leave the area so no more
breaks,  when  they  revert  to claw   critters can generate. When you cast
attacks  with an OB of 50.  There is   Lifegiving,  you   will  go  into  a
other  Unlife  around  but  you they   RoundTime. When  you come  out of it
should  wait  until you reach higher   ring to  a safe  area since you will
levels to take them on.                also be  at -75%  mod, not a healthy
                                       condition to  walk  around  in.  You
You can  buy  holy  weapons  at  the   will need about 10 minutes to regain
Cleric  shop   (just  west   of  the   all your life levels.
Temple)  which  can  be  wielded  by
Clerics to destroy the Unlife. These   You can  have more power points than
weapons  use  the  special  training   your maximum  when clerics, healers,
that Clerics  gain when young. Later   rangers or sorcerers channel them to
you can  buy a  weapons made of holy   you. CHANNEL <amount power> <person>
white eog which adds +10 to your OB.   is  the  command  used  to  transfer
                                       power   between   players.   Success
Once you  have lifegiving  the  gods   depends  on  the channeling skill of
will give  you 700 experience points   the sender and receiver.  See Figure
for every  resurrection you perform.   1  for  the formula to determine how
This is  a gift for your dedication.   many power points can be channeled.
Performing a resurrection is an easy
task. Once  you find the body of the   That's  what you need to know.  Join
unfortunate  adventurer  you  should   the  few,  the proud, the Clerics in
cast Lifekeeping  on him  (or  her).   the  eternal  search for the supreme
This provides some extra time in the   power of resurrection.
case that  your  resurrection  fails
|                                                                          |
|      WELL, UM, WE *WANT* A PIECE OF THE ACTION TOO...                    |
|             OR YOU MAY AS WELL KISS KULTHEA GOODBYE!                     |
|                /                                                         |
|                                                                          |
|           (    )                 ^^^^^^   *What the @!*? GIRA!!!!        |
|           \\'//     /\           |/  \| /                                |
|          / (.)(.) /\||/\        ((.)(.))                                 |
|         (@ \  D/  ||||||         | c  |  ))                              |
|          \  uuuu  \_  _/          \o /   ||                              |
|          /\ _/ \    ||            /--\  //                               |
|         / AGOTH |___/=          (      )/                                |
|         \\___   |___|=         //|SIMU|             ^                    |
|       ((   ==)  |   ||     ^  \\ |____|        ^                         |
|         )   =/  |   ||  ^      ))|    |          ^    ^                  |
|          ^      |   || ((^* )    --^---        ^    ^( (                 |
|       (( \\   | |   ||  ) )((^   | || |       ( ( (  )  )                |
|         )^))  | |   || (  (  )  _|_||_|_      ) (*  (  (                 |
|       ( ( (^   \ \__||_(*))*_(_(___)(___)____( * ) )*)*  )               |
|        *)* )  __\- . .. .    ...    .   .  .  .    ..   . .              |
|        ..    .  .        .  .    . .  .  .     .  .  . .                 |
|            .     .  .   .  .  .     .      .     .  .                    |
|         .            .         .  .           .                          |
       Auction Drawing Twentyfive, now owned by by Airioch Ramthanadox
                              A Cleric's Tale
 ______________               by Faith Larks
/ \ ____  ____ \
\@| ~| |  | |~ |ope  will  always be   it  ignored  me, and started instead
  |  |~|--|~|  | there,"   was  what   to  feed on the bodies.  It was then
 _|  |~|--|~|  | my  father told  me   that I realized with horror that the
/@| _|~|  |~|_ | as  I  grew up.       villagers  were  not dead; it seemed
\_/ ~~~~  ~~~~ /                       that this creature draining the very
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~      My father, Hope   life  from  them.   When  I  saw  my
Larks,  a  humble Common Man farmer,   father   being   prepared  for  this
worked  hard  and  tried  to  live a   creature  I  was  enraged  and acted
tranquil  life.   I  don't  remember   without  thinking;  shaking  off  my
Spirit,  my  Fair  Elven mother, for   fear  I ran out the door and grabbed
she  died  when I was young.  But he   a  mace  lying  on  the  ground.   I
told  me stories of her kindness and   charged the vile thing, but before I
gentleness.   She  was seamstress by   could  but  a  few  steps  a strange
trade  and  had  a noble heart.  She   force knocked me unconscious.
worked  in  Kelfour's  Landing as an      When  I awoke the Unlife had left
assistant to Sariis the tailor until   the  village  and  I  was  the  only
one  night  a dark gentleman of Half   survivor.   Grieving  and  afraid, I
Elven  descent  strode into the shop   began to cry but after many hours of
intent   on   plunder.   My  mother,   sorrow  I remembered that the bodies
working  in  the  back room, heard a   needed  proper  burial.   How  I was
scream  and without thought for her-   going  to  bury  all the villagers I
self  ran into the front room.  When   did  not  know  but  with  resolve I
she  arrived,  she  was  struck by a   began  my task.  To my dismay, I did
dagger in her heart.                   not find any bodies.  I thought with
   Grief  fills  my heart whenever I   disgust  that they were eaten.  With
think  of  my  dear mother, but that   a feeling of gloom I decided to head
grief  is  but  a  fraction  of  the   for Kelfour's Landing.  After count-
sorrow   I  feel  when  I  think  of   less   empty   hours  of  walking  I
another  fateful day.  I remember it   arrived   at   the   gates.   Having
clearly for it was my 16th birthday.   visited the town when my father came
The  day  was  beautiful, with clear   to  buy  supplies,  I  knew  my  way
sunny sky; my father was working the   around.   I was striding through the
fields  of  the  village  and  I was   gates when the guards stopped me.
alone in our home.  Without warning,      They   looked  at  me  and  asked
a chilling touch struck my very body   "What's  your  business in Kelfour's
and soul.  I knew something terrible   Landing?"  I  realized  with  dismay
was  happening  in  the  town.  Ter-   that  I looked a mess so I explained
rified and anguished screams started   what  had  transpired  over the last
coming  from  outside.  I ran to the   few days.  With much compassion, the
door  and  filled with fear I opened   guards asked if they could escort me
it  and  looked out.  The sight that   anywhere.   I  took their kind offer
struck  me  was unforgettable; I saw   and  asked  to be lead to the Temple
the  bodies of villagers, among them   of Eissa.
my  dear  father.  Hanging over them      At  the temple I was greeted by a
were  hoards  of  ghouls, ghosts and   kind  and  gentle  monk.  "How can I
phantoms   seemingly  preparing  the   help you, my child?" he asked.  When
bodies for something.                  I  told  him  of  the  attack  on my
   Then  I  saw  it:  A most hideous   village  he exclaimed, "My child you
sight.   The visage of this creature   are lucky to be alive!  That hideous
immobilized  me  with fear.  When it   creature  was  a  Wight  Lord!"  The
looked  in  my direction, I tried to   shock  hit  me:   a  Wight  Lord!  I
flee  but  could not.  It gazed into   thought, I had of them but never did
my  eyes  and  from its mouth came a   I  think I would see one.  Grief and
cruel  and  hideous laugh.  Yet then   weariness  overwhelmed me, and I was
                                    -9-                             More...
taken to a room to rest.                            Thoreandan
   Waking after many hours of sleep,                """"""""""
I  saw  another  monk  sitting by my             by Bannor Trocolar
bed.   "You  have slept for two days
my child, I hope you feel better."             Let me tell you 'bout
  I  nodded.   "Have  you been by my                Thoreandan.
bed for all that time?"                         The man who bit off
   "My  brothers  and  I  have  been             the Dragon's hand
watching  you  since  you  arrived,"          No blows from his sword
said  the  monk.  I was comforted by               ever did land
his  warm  smile.  I decided at that               So he bit off
moment  what my course in life would             the Dragon's hand
be:  I would be a cleric.
   After  seven  long  hard years of               Paws and claws
study  and prayers with the monks, I             could be the cause
was  told  I  was ready for the next              of anyone here's
step.  With much sorrow and a bit of                   Demise
excitement, I left the kind monks to
seek  my  destiny.  Stepping out the                Into danger
door,   I  was  unprepared  for  the            entrusting our sword
hustle   and  bustle  of  the  town,             To ward of Dragon
having  spent  the  last seven years               or evil horde
cloistered  with monks living simply
and  without  haste.  Seeing so many               We love danger
people  whiz by me made my head spin            and we love our wine
and trying to get someone to help me             Just like treasure
was  even more trying.  These people              we hope to find
moved  with  such  great  speed that
before  I  said  what I was going to                 Do be kind
say, they were gone.                              to poor and blind
   But  with  the help of the gods I                See well out
will make it yet.  My first stop was              beyond your eyes
the  general store, where I acquired
a  leather  backpack.  Next I headed           Let me tell you 'bout
to Anzell's armory to buy some heavy                Thoreandan.
hide   armor,  a  wooden  shield,  a            The man who bit off
leather helm, some arm greaves, some             the Dragon's hand
leather   greaves,   and   a   metal          No blows from his sword
aventail.  My last stop was the arms               ever did land
shop where I decided on a mace since               So he bit off
it  was  the first weapon I had ever             the Dragon's hand.
held.                                                 --------
   The image of confidence, I strode   the  rat bit at me and missed again.
toward  the  catacombs because I had   I  swung  my mace again with resolve
heard  that  giant rats infested the   but  missed  again.  This was harder
lower   reaches   of  the  town.   I   then  I  had expected but after many
stepped through the opening into the   minutes  of battle I finally got the
dark-    ness.    My   eyes   having   best  of  the  beast.  I will always
adjusted,  I took my mace and shield   remember that first victory.
out  and  began  to search for these      The  seven years since that first
vile  rats.   After  a few moments I   rat  have  been  filled with ups and
found one.                             downs.   Of  the downs the worst are
   Its  size  amazed  me,  but I was   the  deaths;  I  pray that the dying
ready.   It  attacked  me but missed   will  stop  but alas I think it will
terribly.   I  brought  my  mace  to   never  be.  But that will be another
bear,  and  swung it with confidence   story,   another   time.    I  still
at   the   rat   but  missed!   This   remember,   "Hope   will  always  be
surprised  me  and in the confusion,   there."
                           Party at Argent Aspis
                             by Miriel Evenstar
/ \  ______ \
\@| /~/~~\_\ |tanding  in  the  town   Then,  without  warning,  the  doors
  | \~\____~ | square,  Lady Taarna,   flew  open  and  people  poured  in,
 _| _~~~~\~\ | Piffen and I  fretted   leaving the  poor doorman struggling
/@| \~\__/~/ | that  the first offi-   to keep up with the announcements as
\_/  ~~~~~~ /  cial party  thrown by   the guests  arrived. It  seemed  the
  ~~~~~~~~~~   the House  of  Argent   whole  of   Kelfour's  Landing   was
Aspis would  have no guests, just us   represeted; Lords  and Ladies supped
I nervously kicked the  trunk of the   with the  young while  those of  all
old tree  that Piffen leaned against   professions regaled  each other with
and scuffed  my new  boots.  "I must   tales of their exploits.
head  back to  the  house,"  I  told
them, "The caterers will be arriving   After filling  our plates with food,
soon!"                                 we all  gathered in  the  lounge  to
                                       share the  talents of  some  of  the
Piffen smiled mischievously, "I have   guests. The  bard Amelda  Heronheart
an idea!   I'll go to the temple and   entertained us  with her  songs then
start some rumors about a huge prize   performed love duets with her fiance
we'll be  offering!"  Giggling,  she   Naxxixx.   Inspired by  this show of
waved and darted down the street.      devotion, Kaoti  shared her  wedding
                                       song with  us.  Finally, Inyigo sang
Taarna grabbed my hand and pulled me   a magical  tune that  made  pictures
along with  her, hurrying down South   dance before our eyes.
Ring Road  toward  the  river.    "I
haven't changed my clothes yet!" she   More than  one man  was overcome  by
panted as  we ran across the bridge.   the abundance  of available  drinks.
                                       Artemis began by throwing glasses of
                                       brandy around  the  room,  and  then
The   House   of  Argent  Aspis  was   proceeded to  flirt with the elderly
polished, gleaming and ready to open   Lady Sevla. An attempt at diversion,
its  doors to Kelfour's Landing.  We   we played  a game of silver tag that
arrived  as last minute preparations   became a confusion of people running
were  being  made:   Beolost quietly   around  bumping   into  each  other.
giving  instructions to the doorman,   Finally,   the   halfling   Larkspur
Elvanion   rehearsing   a  group  of   Snowleopard was declared the winner.
strolling  minstrels  in  the  Grand   When asked  how he  managed to avoid
Hall.  The caterers marched into the   being tagged,  he said, "Nobody pays
room   carrying   trays  laden  with   any  attention  to another hobbit at
little   quince  tarts,  skewers  of   the  refreshment table." His resour-
torkaan  steak  and barbequed cocka-   cefulness  was rewarded with a small
trice  legs.   I  quickly  grabbed a   sack containing 5000 coins.
tart and, eating it eagerly, checked
over  the  bar's supply of sparkling   At last  came the entertainment that
silver  champagne,  fine  old brandy   all the  ladies had  been  awaiting!
and  our  private  stock of Erebor's   Gathering in  Lady Taarna's bedroom,
Tipple.    Everything  is  ready,  I   we left  all the  men in  the lounge
thought, but where are the guests?     with  their  drinks except, that is,
                                       Inyigo.  Amelda sat beside the fire-
At that  moment Azia  poked his head   place,   her   musical   instruments
through the  door and  looked at  us   arranged  around her and began play-
questioningly.  "Isn't this a party?   ing a pulsing rhythm while all of us
Where is  everyone?"   The musicians   found  seats  and  tried  to get the
stopped  playing  and  there  was  a   best  view  of  Inyigo's provocative
moment  of   uncomfortable  silence.   dancing.   When he finished (clothed
                                   -11-                             More...
in   little  more  than  the  flower               Letter to the Editor
between  his  teeth)  he  knelt  and   _________   """"""""""""""""""""
offered  the  rose  to Lady Valeria,   / \ _____ \
who stood up with a whoop and hopped   \@| ~|_|~ |n response to  the edito-
on his back.                             |  |~|  | rial  of  Rune  Arundel,
                                        _|  |~|  | KE August, 1991:
=----------------------------------=   /@| _|~|_ |
 OOOoooohhhh Who is this WolfCAKE?!    \_/ ~~~~~ / This   response  is  not
                                         ~~~~~~~~  written for the doves or
              |/_   _\|                the hawks. This is  written for  all
              (|     |)                of you in the  middle of  the  road.
             // ^^^^^\\                Get out of my way!
            / / [~.~] \ \
            \ ) \ = /  / }             Much as I'd like to come out totally
             \ --  |--/  |             against  anything  from  the  pen of
              \ \ v    */              Rune  Arundel,  in  this case I just
              \\._|._/)                can't.   Conflict  is good and in my
               \_   _/                 opinion, a little more of it is just
               |_[.]_|                 what is needed in Kelfour's Landing.
               /\\__//\                Why is it good?  Again, I agree with
              /  ||||  |               Rune,  "It  gets you what you want."
             /   ||||  )               Some of you oppose conflict:
            (  /  ||  /
             \ \   (  (                 I strove with none, for none was
              \ \   \ \                    worth my strife;
               :  -  \ \                Nature I love; and next to
               | /    ; )                  nature, art.
         o    /_/  o /_/    o           I warmed both hands before the
           o      o      o                 fire of life;
                                        It sinks, and I am ready to depart.
            by Hilgavolkas
                                       If you  truly agree with this Walter
=---------------------------------=    Savage Landor  quatrain, I  can  not
= FOR A GOOD TIME...DIAL KEL-FOUR =    fault you. Your forays to cavers and
=---------------------------------=    steelies give you the experience  to
                                       more easily vanquish more cavers and
                                       steelies contents you.
The dance  was documented  by Hilga-
volkas who  managed despite fainting   But it is the so-called peace "keep-
spells to pull out her sketchpad and   ers" that offend me.  Not content to
finish several drawings. Our private   stay out  of the  fray, they feel it
party was  rudely interrupted  by  a   is nessecary  to pipe  up with their
shouting and  banging at  the  door.   puny judgements  about those  of  us
The  men,   headed  by  Beolost  and   who have  convictions worth fighting
Naxxixx,  had   grown  impatient  at   for  --   while  at  the  same  time
being left  on  their  own.  We  all   disclaiming any involvement.  To all
tried hiding,  but Hilga's  constant   of you  I say  get in  or  get  out.
hiccuping gave us away.                There is  no such  thing as  walking
                                       the line.  Sooner or  later you will
By  that  time,  I was exhausted and   have to come down on one side or the
crept   to  my  room  falling  sound   other.  This  is  a  frontier  town,
asleep on my bed, fully clothed with   governed by  laws of survival of the
the  sounds  of the party continuing   fittest. If  you don't  want to find
around me.  I heard later that there   yourself on  the business  end of  a
was  dancing  near  the fountain and   broadsword someday,  tread  silently
more  singing but nothing could have   away from the field of battle.
kept me awake any longer.
                                                         Kaoti Nim
                             Chivalry in Action:
                           The Suit Makes the Male
                            by Gallenod Varynesti
/ \   _____   \
\@|  /~/~~~\\ |hivalry  isn't  dead,   crashing  boor  whose  sentences are
  | |~|     ~ |just ignored. Perhaps   frequently    punctuated    by   the
  | |~|       |I'm a  throwback to a   swordpoints  of the people he or she
 _| |~|     _ |more formal age. May-   antagonizes.    I   am  of  the  old
/@|  \~\___// |be  Kelfour's Landing   school;  chivalry adds glamour to my
\_/   ~~~~~~  /is too  modern for my   otherwise   mundane   existence  and
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~ taste. Whatever, I am   formal  behavior  helps  me  through
appalled   at   some  of  the  rude,   situations where I might offend if I
boorish  and  downright unchivalrous   were less careful.
behavior  displayed  by  some of our
residents.   I  was  raised to value   Yes,  yes,  I  know:   "Get  to  the
etiquette,  protocol,  and the finer   point,  Gall,  what  did you mean by
points  of  polite behavior and feel   suit,  if  you didn't mean clothes?"
that following the paths of chivalry   Well,  in  male female relationships
will  add  considerable enjoyment to   in  chivalrous societies, a "suitor"
our  lives here in the Landing.  You   was  one  who tried to win the favor
may  think  from  the title that I'm   of  a  lady and/or her guardian with
suggesting  the clothing shop change   the  intention  of  asking  for  the
men's  styles.  Not at all.  This is   lady's  hand  in marriage.  He would
about  how female players can change   then  be  assigned  a  condition  to
the   style   and  flavor  of  their   fullfill before his "suit" (or claim
relationships  with  male players to   to   the   lady's  favor)  would  be
the mutual enjoyment of all.           accepted.   In  some cases, this was
                                       an  open  competition, and the first
Traditionally,  societies  based  on   suitor  to  complete the terms would
chivalry  have been chauvinistic and   be  awarded  the  lady.   The  terms
male-dominated.   The  concept main-   ranged  from  proving  cleverness by
tained  that  males being larger and   solving a riddle to slaying a dragon
stronger,  were  both the protectors   and bringing back its head.
and  controllers  of the females who
were physically weaker.  Hill trolls   While  I  sincerely doubt any of the
are  stronger than apprentice mages,   ladies    in   town   would   submit
but   I  hardly  think  anyone  here   themselves  as  prizes for the first
advocates  that the trolls should be   male  to  win  a contest, most might
making  the  decisions  for  both of   benefit  from  testing the mettle of
them.   In  Kelfour's  Landing,  our   their suitors.  In other words:  "If
females   don't   suffer   the  same   you  truly  love  me, Urghon, you'll
physical  handicap;  they are poten-   take a bath." (Many barbarians never
tially equal with male characters in   marry    because   of   this   dread
all  areas,  including  that ancient   request.)  There  are also instances
determinant, physical strength.        of   ladies  performing  spectacular
                                       deeds  to  attract  the attention of
However,  despite  this  equality, I   the  male  of  their  dreams.   (The
still observe some remnants of chiv-   proviso  here,  ladies,  is don't be
alric  behavior  between  males  and   too  spectacular.   Male egos bruise
females  here.   This  is not neces-   easily.   Killing  a  troll with one
sarily  a  bad  thing, as formalized   swipe   may  also  make  him  a  bit
social  conventions  help grease the   nervous  about his chances of a long
wheels   of   society.   Anyone  who   and  healthy life if he makes a pass
prides   his  or  herself  on  being   at  you.  I've seen and heard of too
"perfectly frank and totally honest"   many  examples  where a "significant
at  all  times  is  probably a rude,   other,"   usually,  but  not  exclu-
                                   -13-                Continued on Page 17
                         An Ear for the Uncommon
 _________                by Belladonna Atropa
/ \ _____ \
\@| ~|_|~ |'ve  been wandering  aro-   "I got it on sale."
  |  |~|  | und  Kulthea  for months
 _|  |~|  | now  --  long  enough to   "I've had this sword for years."
/@| _|~|_ | know  better  than trust
\_/ ~~~~~ / most of  the  characters   "Boy, fighting  all   those monsters
  ~~~~~~~~  who  live  there  -- and   sure gets you thirsty, doesn't it?"
I've  seen  many  strange, sometimes
wonderful things.                      "You haven't aged a bit."  "Thanks!"
But  for  all that, it would be hard   "The kids  all  have  his last name,
to imagine any of these sights would   but I decided to go with a hyphen."
be  as impressive were there were no
sounds with them.  The view from the   "What should I wear?"
Iorak's  Reach,  where Orhan and her
satellite  are in clear sight, would   "A silver coin! Put it in your shoe."
fail to impress if the babble of the
marketplace  could  be  heard in the   "What am I going to do with all this
background.   There,  of course, the   money?"
only appropriate sound is silence.
                                       "It want to fight.  But we  hit it a
In the fields where hobgoblins play,   few times, and it surrendered peace-
silence  is  rare  at  best,  and at   fully."
worst,  ominous.   We of the Landing
are  noisy  hunters,  preferring  to   "I  never  worry  about  glare:  The
frighten  our  enemy  into a foolish   visor in my helmet is tinted."
break  from  cover  than to catch it
unawares.   This  tends to result in   "Best  of  all,  the  scabbard has a
our  stumbling  onto  several adver-   child-proof hilt strap."
saries  at  once, and I'm one of the
last people you'll see eager to meet   "My character is too powerful."
an  orc,  two hobgoblins and a troll
at the same time.                      "Don't  worry  about my stuff when I
                                       depart.  It's all insured.
The  sound  I  associate  with  that
sight  is a scream, usually of pain,   "He does terrific bird calls."
and  usually mine.  Still, it's more
fun  to  hunt  with  people who talk   "It's called Eau de Kaldsfang."
than  alone.   But what about things
you don't hear?  For example, here's   "If you want  to   catch an orc, you
some things I've never heard said in   have to learn to think like an orc."
Kelfour's Landing:
                                       "Yeah,  she's pretty enough, but she
"That battle with the kobold was one   can't cook."
I'll never forget."
                                       "You have a beautiful accent."
"Like my new shaalk boots?"
                                       "The fighters'  union   has  a great
"What a beautiful sunset!  Or are we   retirement plan."
facing east?"
                                       "The second he walked into the room,
"Look me in the eye and say that."     I started to  tingle  all over. What
                                       can I say? He's built like a dwarf."
"We gotta  do something  about Azia.
He knows too much."                    "Don't get him mad.  He's a bard."
                              Azia's Tale
 _______________            by Dane Redlance
/ \ ____    ____\
\@| +|~~\  /~~|+|y good friend  Azia   really  done it this time. He's ang-
  |  |~\~\/~/~| |Atlantia was one of   ered  the  whole town,  he has.  And
 _|  |~|\~~/|~| |those rare  fellows   there  are  some   people wishing to
/@| _|~| ~~ |~|_|who  never  had  to   have  a few words with him!" He rub-
\_/ ~~~~    ~~~~/work hard  to  find   bed his arm and  continued, "I might
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ trouble. As some of   be one of them."
you  know,  a  couple  of weeks ago,
Azia had to make  a  sudden  journey   "Okay, what's Azia  done  this time?
from  Kulthea. By way of a farewell,   Did he just  walk  on again when one
I decided to tell the true  story of   of them lordly-types bowed  and said
one of his many misadventures.         hello? By Orgiana's  Orb,  I've told
                                       him a million times --"
Darien  e'Drien  and  I  were  taste
testing  a  new  batch  of  Dragons-   Darien shook  his   head.  "Not this
draught ale Helga had just purchased   time, friend. Something much bigger.
from  the brewery on East Ring Road.   Word  is  out  that  Azia  has  been
After we had nearly floated a keg of   sliding  up  to  newcomers   to  our
it by ourselves and stumbled back to   little town and inviting them out on
our respective rooms, I attempted to   their first hunts. When he gets them
get some rest. Two days and a fierce   far enough, he  shoves  a broadsword
headache later, I  awoke to a boist-   through  the  newcomer's   side  and
erous banging on my door.              makes off with the loot."

"Argh! Let me in, Dane!" shouted the   I stared at my  friend in disbelief.
owner  of  the  fist   at   my door.   "Azia?"  I   asked.   Something  was
"Really big news for you!"             tugging at the back  of my mind, but
                                       I couldn't place the  feeling. "That
At that moment I  could just imagine   doesn't sound  like  Azia.  Let's go
the  earth-splattering   information   look for him, and see what he says."
Darien could have  for  me at six in   With that, I dressed and together we
the morning.                           searched for Azia.
Stumbling out of bed and opening the   It didn't take long  to realize that
door, I glared at  Darien and tapped   Azia had  skipped  town. Funny thing
on my  head.  "See  this, Darien?" I   was, he had left all his clothes  in
asked. "It hurts,  it  really hurts!   his room. At  least,  that's what we
And this  incessant   banging  at my   found  out  when we asked Frith, the
door is --"                            owner of the inn where Azia stayed.
He cut me  off  with a chuckle and a   "No  sirrees,  Goodman  Azia  hadn't
pat on  the   shoulder.  "Ho, friend   been by this place much lately, what
Dane, your head's still  pounding it   with 'is name bein' drug through the
seems. Might it still  be the ale we   mud," replied  Frith.  "I hear  tell
shared the other night, eh?"           that th' Constable  is  thinkin'  of
                                       putting out a warrant,   don'y'know,
I slapped him upside  his head. "No,   for his capture! No, he hasn't  been
it was the tooth  fairy coming a bit   by, but you make sure  you  tell him
early, okay?  Of  course  it was the   that he has this month's post t'send
ale and I  have   only you to thank.   me. Else the thingers he's  left  in
What are you banging about anyway?"    his room may just up 'n' disappear."
Still chuckling about half-elves and   Thanking him, Darien and I   trudged
their  drinking   abilities, he rep-   to Helga's  to  plan our next  move.
lied,  "Well, your  friend  Azia has   Just as we were pulling a draught, I
                                   -15-                             More...
felt a buzz through my amulet.         After a few seconds,  a voice called
                                       from the shadows. "Dane,  no tricks.
I recognized Maoler's thoughts whis-   Anyone else with you?" After I shook
pering  into  the shadows.  "Azia is   my  head,  Azia stepped out into the
at it again.  Two dead strangers out   light.  "So you found me.  Now what?
on  the mine road.  Everything gone,
no  orc in sight, and I'm sure I saw   I chuckled. "Azia,  you  know you're
Azia  here  with  them  just  a  few   not guilty, so  forget  the charade.
minutes ago."                          It's time you dealt with this little
                                       problem though, here and now."
I rubbed my amulet and thought, "Are
you sure it was him?"                  His   eyes   flew  wide  open,  "You
                                       remember!   I  should have known you
"Positive, except his  hair  looks a   would,  but bejeezus, Dane, its been
little shorter  now.  But  it looked   seven  years  since you've seen him.
just like him hunting  with Derk and   How  could  you still remember about
Iolfen. I tried to catch up to them,   Hothgar?" He sat down and waited for
but they moved too  quickly." Maoler   my explanation.
sounded disappointed.
                                       "To  tell  you  the  truth, I didn't
At the description, I finally recog-   really  catch  it  until  just  this
nized  the tugging in my head. "It's   morning.   Maomer said on the amulet
not Azia!" I shouted at Darien, "But   that two more visitors went down and
now we have to find the real  Azia."   that it was you with them, only with
I stood up. "We  gotta move, friend.   shorter  hair."  I  sat  down across
Fast!"                                 from  the firepit.  "As long as I've
                                       known  you,  you've  always had long
With  a   bewildered   look,  Darien   hair,   Azia.   If  you  were  still
finished his  drink.   "I'll explain   intent on hunting newbies, why would
soon," I told him.                     you cut it?" I smiled.  "Because you
                                       wouldn't.   Then  I  remembered  who
Just then  Helga bulged  over to our   looks  like  you,  talks  like  you,
table and winked. "Are ya'll needing   nearly  everything's the same except
a little information, sweeties?" She   --"
extended a wrinkled palm outward and
waited expectantly.                    Azia shrugged.  "Okay,  so Hothgar's
                                       hair and his  attitude  are the only
I smiled at her.  "Helga,  if anyone   differences between him and  me, but
in this town knew where Azia was, it   I'm still  not   going   back to the
would have  to  be  you." Dropping a   Landing."
few  coins  her  way, I said, "Okay,
let's hear it."                        "Why not?"
We split up then. Darien went to the   A  pained  expression   crossed  his
temple to alert  any  lynching party   face. "Would  you   murder  your own
about the  truth  behind  the Newbie   brother, Dane?"
Annihilator,  while  I journeyed  to
the Upper Kaldsfang and  shimmied up   And then  I  understood.  Azia and I
a tall pine tree.  From there, I got   journeyed here to  Kelfour's Landing
my  bearings   and   remembered  the   together. One of the  reasons he had
general directions  given  to  me by   left was to get away from his family
Helga. I  went  off  the Ridge Trail   back in  Sprinfielden.  I  take that
and searched for a couple of hours.    back -- the only  reason he left was
                                       because of  the   reason   he was in
Finally, I stumbled upon what looked   trouble today: Hothgar Atlantia, his
to be an abandoned campsite.           younger brother.
"Azia, it's me, Dane."                 Hothgar Atlantia was not evil per se.
                                   -16-                              More...
It  was  just  that from the time he   began discussing the  events  of the
could   walk,   he   lived   with  a   previous days. Hothgar  became angry
different  set  of  values.  To him,   and Azia's suggestion that  he leave
help  and hurt were just two ways of   this  town,  pulled  out  his  short
interacting  with people.  I believe   sword and shaved  Azia's  ear with a
it  was  that  he didn't look to the   snarl. "Brother, you  have  run from
consequences of his actions, only to   me before, but this time I will slay
the  events surrounding their accom-   you  where  you  make  your  pitiful
plishment that made him so different   stand."
from the rest of us.
                                       Hothgar's wild energy  was  no match
Since I grew  up  with both of them,   for the  cold,  hard  feeling in the
I had come  to  understand  how much   pit of his  brother's  stomach. Azia
Azia  despised  Hothgar.  But  until   had finally  made  up  his mind, and
this day  I  could  never understand   the finality of his  decision helped
why Azia had always  run rather than   guide his broadsword again and again
put an end to Hothgar's killings. To   around Hothgar's desperate parries.
Azia,  Hothgar  was  a  brother,  no
more, no less.  And  that was enough   When the fight was over, Azia gently
to stop Azia.  He could confront his   wrapped  his  brother's  body in his
dark   shadow,  but  with  Hothgar's   cloak  and  carried  him  out  to  a
temper  and  lack  of lawful values,   distant clearing, where he began the
such a meeting could only end in the   task  of burying his fallen sibling.
death of one of them.  So Azia chose   As  he  finished,  he  quietly asked
to  hide out or move on, living with   forgiveness from his distant family,
the guilt of Hothgar's actions so as   then  stood  up  to go.  His brother
to  live  without  the  guilt of his   would kill no more.
death.                                             ======\\=======
I looked straight at him. "It's time            Chivalry in Action
friend.   Either  you  do  it  or  I            """"""""""""""""""
will."                                       (Continued from Page 13)
                                       sively,  male, treated one who loved
I think he actually looked grateful.   them quite shabbily.
Finally,  the  choice  had been made
for him.                               Perhaps more thorough testing of the
                                       mettle  of our intended mates before
I rubbed my  amulet  just in time to   marriage   will   help   after   the
hear Darien call  out  to me. "Dane,   nuptials.   Who  knows,  more secure
we have Hothgar.  What  now?" By the   marriages  may help quell the rising
look on Azia's  face,  I knew he had   tide of scurrilous gossip slung by a
heard the message too. He nodded his   certain  back  alley columnist.  (Or
head and turned to gather his gear.    is  it  back page?  I always seem to
                                       confuse  those  two  terms  in  this
"Bring him to the arena, Darien. I'm   person's  case.) At any rate, I only
with Azia and he  wants to deal with   hope  my  intended  will  accept  my
this situation himself."               deeds  on  her behalf as proof of my
                                       devotion  to  her.   She has already
I learned what  had   gone on at the   proven  herself  to  me.   (The five
arena one night when Azia and I were   trolls she slaughtered before I even
wasting our  silvers  at Beldreck's.   got   my  sword  ready  were  pretty
Of course, I and the others had left   impressed,  too.   I make it a point
the arena  after  bringing  Azia and   never  to try kissing her when she's
Hothgar there as  we  had decided by   armed.) Remember, as you walk life's
mutual agreement  to  let  Azia take   road,  that  honor is a great weapon
care of this himself.                  in the battle against evil.  Seek it
                                       in  all  aspects  of  your life, not
Azia told me that he and his brother   just combat.
                         BIG Like Everyone Else
                        by Avondale de|{nightSaber
 ____________    Part 2, Continued from KE11, April 1991
/ \   _____  \
\@|  /~/~\~\  |
  | |~|   |~| |uickly  grabbing  the   that Dark Orc attack you!  How'd you
  | |~|   |~| | apple, Smelly starts   get away?" he asks disbelievingly.
 _|  \~\_/~/  | to bite it. But upon      "I   ate  my  apple  and  whoila,
/@|   ~~~\~\  | looking  closer,  he   kicked his boodie. I don't know how,
\_/       ~~~/  raises  an  eyebrow.   and  I got some broken teeth but the
  ~~~~~~~~~~~  This  will  never do!   orc  had  nothing to do with it.  It
Who'd  eat  a dirty thing like that?   was that tough apple -- but I showed
As  he  rubs  it  clean  he  feels a   that orc!" Smelly laughs and laughs.
sudden,  strong  tingling sensation.
Wow,  these  apples  are strange, he   Next day, Gnome School
thinks. So deep, ruby red.  He bites      "Here, Grampy, drop me off here."
it. Eeaah, wonder what it's made of?      "No,  your  mother told me to see
He  looks  down  as two of his teeth   you in, and I will."
hit the ground.                           "Ahh  shucks,  Grampy,  I know my
   At that very moment, Arkquis, the   way!"  Smelly  says, thinking:  Darn
fiercesome  Dark  Orc,  flys through   oldies.   Sheesh,  this old guy will
the  air  toward  him and completely   embarass the hell out of me.  Oh no,
misses,  landing  flat  on  his wide   and  there's  Buttercup  standing by
nose.  "Hahaha!  You can't catch me,   the  door.   Please go in, please go
silly  oaf," Smelly taunts.  Quickly   in.  Darn, she won't go in, in time!
grabbing  up  his  things, he starts      "Okay, here we are. Now be a good
running   back   towards  the  mine.   gnome  and  listen  to your teacher.
Arkquis picks himself up and readies   She knows what she's doing."
another assault.                          "Yes, Grampy."
   "Don't   wanna   give  up?"  asks      "Wait. I'll walk you to the room.
Smelly  turning  back.   "Well, take      "I know where it is already!"
that,  and that!" he cries, pounding      "I want to meet your teacher."
away with his little axe.                 "Uh  huh.  The last time you said
   "You  can't  hurt  me little one,   something  like  that,  you ended up
but  I  will  crush you to pulp if I   with  a  hand  print  on  your face.
don't   suck   your   bones."  Again   Leave the girls alone."
Arkquis  goes  for  the  kill -- and      Smelly   hurries   to  his  class
again  he misses!  What is going on,   before Grampa can follow.
he wonders?
   Smelly  giggles.   "I'm  just too   Class starts
TOUGH  for  you, meany!  Now go away      "Hello,  my  name  is Ms.  Nelson
or  I  will devastate you!" Grabbing   and  I'm  your fourth grade teacher.
up  his  things  again, Smelly makes   I would like to begin by asking each
for home, leaving  Arkquis wondering   and  every  one  of  you to tell the
how  he  could  have failed to crush   rest of the class about yourselves."
such a small opponent.                    Oh  no,  an  ice breaker!  thinks
                                       Smelly, fidgeting in his seat.
Back at the Mines                         "Okay,"  says  Ms.   Nelson.  "We
   "Hiya Gramps!" Smelly calls as he   will start with you, Buttercup."
arrives back at the mines.                Buttercup   stands,  and  as  she
   Gramps  jumps,  thinking  he  has   moves  to  the  front  of the class,
seen  a ghost.  "Oh, my gods?  What!   everyone  sees  the grace and smooth
How'd  you  get  here?" Gramps asks.   movements of her well-shaped body.
"You're supposed to be dead!"             "Helloooo  everyone," she croons.
   "Hey  Grampy,  that's not nice to   "My  name  is  Buttercup.  I plan to
call people dead when they aren't."    become a Cleric and help our govern-
   "How,  how  can  this  be?  I saw   ment fight the Unlife my father says
                                   -18-                             More...
is  getting out of control.  He says   After School
they  cheat  everyone  in  the realm      Smelly   is  running  around  the
about giving away free power and not   schoolyard  playing  a great warrior
telling of the consequenses.  In the   as   Buttercup  sits  on  the  front
end,   my   father  says  they  will   steps, reading.  She sighs.
collect  their  dues  by making your      Wonder what's keeping father, she
body  permanently  much  weaker than   thinks.   He must have a lot of work
before.   Hopefully, I'll be able to   at  the  office.   She  sighs again,
help my father and join in his fight   standing  to  stretch  her  legs and
against the Unlife.  Thank you." She   walk around the schoolyard a bit.
wiggles  back  to  her  seat, making      As  she  rounds  a  corner of the
Smelly wiggle in his.                  building,  Smelly comes flying along
   Hrrmpt,   who   cares  about  the   and  literally runs over her.  Tears
Unlife,  he thinks.  Once I graduate   form  in  her eyes as she sprawls on
as  a  Warrior  Extraordinaire, I'll   the ground, and she since she doesnt
crush anything I want!                 want  to  cry,  she ends up sobbing.
   "That  was very good, Buttercup,"   Smelly  mutters, "Sorry," and begins
says Ms.  Nelson.  As they continue,   to  run off again, but then suddenly
Smelly  finds a comfortable position   stops.   He feels transfixed by this
and  soon falls asleep.  He wakes up   girl  and  glances around quickly to
sometime later, yawning. Ah, I need-   see if anyone is watching.
ed  that,  he thinks.  Now, where am      Seeing  no one, he walks back and
I? Oh yeah, school. He looks around,   kneels  down  beside her.  She's de-
slowly   aware   that   everyone  is   finitely not as pretty with her face
looking  at him, even Buttercup, who   all  screwed  up, he thinks, but for
has a smile on her cute little lips.   some  reason he feels an urge to hug
   What  do  they want?  he wonders.   her and make the pain go away.  What
Oh  gods,  don't  tell  me  I  got a   do I care? he wonders.  Confused and
bugger.   Quickly, he turns away and   too  scared  to do anything herself,
wipes  his nose with his hands.  Oh,   Buttercup  just  sits  there,  dumb-
please  don't  give me a bugger now.   struck.   But  the  presence  of his
Please, oh please, oh please.  Look-   warm   breath   and  broad,  muscled
ing  at  his hands, he finds nothing   shoulders  make  her feel better and
but  slobber from the table where he   her sobs quiet at last.
was sleeping. Ahh, he thinks.  Turn-      Finally,   Smelly  put  his  arms
ing   back  confidently,  his  smile   around  her tentatively, making sure
turns  to  a  grimace  as  he  again   no one is around of course, and hugs
realizes  all eyes are upon him.  He   her.   As  he begins to release her,
feels his sweat rising.                he looks into her eyes and what eyes
   "Ah,   um...   Well,  Smekinski?"   they  are!   Still a little wet with
says Ms.  Nelson.  "It's your turn."   tears,  but by gods do they sparkle!
   "Oh  gods!   The  intros," Smelly   They  have fire within, and he can't
thinks as he scrambles to his feet.    help but look longer.
   "Um, my name is Smekinski Little-      "I...  I don't know what to say,"
foot,  but  you  can call me Smelly.   he mutters. "Ummm, I'm sorry for the
I, uhh, am from the mining nation of   rude things I said."
Kulthea  and I like Buttercup.  Ack!      Buttercup shifts her whole sweet-
I mean I like butterflies." He hates   scented  body  and  he can smell her
them.   "I'm  going  to  be the best   breath when she leans against him.
warrior  in  the  world  and  I care      How  am  I gonna get out of this?
nothing about the Unlife. I care not   he asks himself.  Where's my apple?
what it does or what it will do."                To Be Continued
   With  that,  he sticks his tongue     __________________________________
out at Buttercup and sits down.         /             REMEMBER             \
   The  ice  breaker  continues  al-   |              """"""""              |
though  Smelly remembers none of it.   |  Kelfour Edition pays contributors |
Finally,  Ms.  Nelson allows them to   | with  *FREE WEEKENDS* in GemStone. |
play until lunch, saying they should   |   Email P.HERRINGTON for details.  |
get to know each another.               \__________________________________/
                                 Go Figure
 ___________                by Artemis Al~Anhir
/ \  ______ \
\@| /~/~~\_\ |
  | \~\____~ |tay away  from  drink-   climbed the oak in Central Square!"
 _| _~~~~\~\ | ing   establishments,      "Au  contraire,  my  little  pip-
/@| \~\__/~/ | son,"  mother  warned   squeak,"  I  replied  as I blew mead
\_/  ~~~~~~ /  me.  "The weakness of   foam  into  his  face.  "I happen to
  ~~~~~~~~~~  your  constitution  is   hold  an  advanced degree in statis-
surpassed  only  by the size of your   tics from Kulthea Tech.  And you, my
ego -- which is exceeded only by the   diminutive dunderhead, are certainly
size  of  your mouth.  These traits,   no  expert  in matters pertaining to
inherited   from   your  father,  of   height;  such  talk  coming from one
course,  further  exacerbated by the   who  needs  a  step ladder to trim a
inbibation  of  liquid  intoxicants,   dwarf's beard!"
invariably  place  you in situations      "Degree   in  statistics!"  Pobin
of a sticky and intractable nature."   squeaked  as  he pounded the counter
This  was  my beloved High-Elf mum's   in  mirth.   "The  only  figures you
way  of saying, "Stay away from ale-   ever   manipulated  were  half-naked
joints, you clod!  You'll get drunk,   elven  tarts,  or  naked  half-elven
open your big mouth and get yourself   tarts, at Cheldar's Bathhouse!"
in  more  trouble  than  a newbie in      "Advanced   degree   of  exagger-
werebear  country!"  I  should  have   ation!" added Paboo, Pobin's equally
listened.                              obnoxious little brother.
   My  current  prickly  predicament      So  excited  were  these  two  by
has   its  roots  in  that  infamous   their own wit that they were bobbing
watering hole, Helga's Tavern. There   up  and  down  on  their stools like
I was, three months ago today, lean-   Bards'  adam's  apples,  their high-
ing against the splintering counter,   pitched  squeaky  laughter  sounding
woozier  than a stunned kobold, with   like  a flock of hiccuping torkaans.
a  flagon  (my 12th) of Helga's best   I  was  about to cut these half-pint
mead  in  one  hand and her sauciest   hecklers down to size with an obser-
serving  wench  in the other.  I was   vation  that  trolls  swung from the
busy  recounting  my numerous heroic   maternal branch of their family tree
exploits  to the usual motley assem-   when I felt a hand upon the shoulder
blage  when  the kitchen doors swung   pad of my heavy hide armor.  Fearing
open  and  in  came  Helga,  beaming   it belonged to Kelfour's omnipresent
proudly   and  carrying  a  tray  of   debt  collector  I  quickly  tied  a
steaming  delectables.   "New  happy   double  sailor's  knot  on the draw-
hour special!" she proclaimed. "Tork   string  of  my  silk money purse and
kabobs, roasted in curfalaka juice."   spun  around  to  tell  this  greedy
   Quickly trading the barmaid for a   bureaucrat  to  keep his fingers off
more palatable kabob, I proceeded to   my  assests.  The words caught in my
enthrall  my  appreciative  audience   throat as my blurred vision revealed
with  the  scope  of  my  knowledge.   the  owner  of  the pudgy hand:  the
"You  know,"  I began, "Torks aren't   Mayor!
valued   only  for  their  succulent      "I  should  have  known  from the
flesh.   The  smooth  skin  on their   smell," I thought.
underbellies  is prized by Kulthea's      Our Mayor, of course, is infamous
finest  universities.  For only this   for  having cultivated a distinctive
skin is suitable for the creation of   body  odor reminiscent in its putre-
the   diplomas   conferred   by  our   scent  pungency of uncured giant rat
institutions of higher learning."      pelt.   A  hygenic  trait  (or  lack
   "Sure, Artemis,"  piped in Pobin,   thereof)  which  makes  him a valued
Kelfour's   only   licensed  barber-   house   guest  only  if  one  has  a
cosmetologist. "The closest you ever   particularly  bothersome  roach pro-
came to higher education is when you   blem -- the poor pests vacate within
                                   -20-                             More...
hours  of  his arrival.  Many a bar-   out  at  that  point,  for I have no
room  philosopher  has  posited that   further recollection of the evening.
the Mayor's stupifying stench is not   To  this  day I'm not sure if it was
so  much  a  complete  disregard for   the mead that did me in, the Mayor's
basic   cleanliness,  but  rather  a   ghastly  proposal,  or  the  Mayor's
brilliant political ploy.              ghastly breath.
   As   a   savvy   and   thoroughly      I  awoke the next afternoon in my
inebriated old dwarf once commented,   bed  at the Raging Threk Inn (with a
"The  Mayor's  got  no stayin' power   raging hangover) hoping against hope
other 'n smell.  Sweet Eissa!  He'da   that the previous night had been but
been  sacked  long  ago  but for the   a  bad  dream.   However,  my  worst
fact that his smell's gone 'n seeped   fears  were  confirmed  when  at the
into  every  reekin'  corner  of the   foot  of  my bed I saw, stamped with
Mayoral  offices  in  Moot Hall.  No   the  Mayor's  official seal, a draft
aspirin'  beaurocrat can stomach the   notice   post-dated   three   months
thought of havin' to work within the   hence, a clipboard, and a note which
stinkin'  walls  of  our illustrious   read,  "You've  got  three months to
Mayor's  personal  pigpen!  He's run   get  that  report on my desk or it's
unopposed for 5 terms!"                six  months  guard  duty.  P.S.  The
   "Ahem!"  The  Mayor  cleared  his   clipboard is a gift from me.  Use it
throat  and  my  reverie was broken.   quickly!"
Looking  at  his  moon-shaped  face,      Confident    of   my   canvassing
dominated  by  a  smile  so  wide  a   skills,  I trekked the muddy streets
wolverine would have been envious, I   of   our   town,   leaving  no  door
pictured  my mother giving me one of   unknocked,  no sewer grate unopened,
her   triumphant  "I  told  you  so"   no  obvious exit unused, in my quest
looks.                                 for information. I even mustered the
   "You've done it again, you dolt!"   courage  (swallowed enough pride) to
I  thought,  for  I  knew  our Mayor   venture  into  The Kelfour Cutteria,
never  deigned  to speak to his con-   Pobin  and  Paboo's  hair  and  nail
stituents unless he wished to invol-   salon.   Having  heard  of my unfor-
ve  them  in  one  of his half-baked   tunate  circumstance,  the  two were
schemes,  schemes  that became posi-   paragons of sympathy and restraint.
tively  overcooked  once he got near     "Oooooh...  It's Artemis Al~Anhir!
any  form  of  liquor.  Judging from   Kelfour's  mightiest  survey-taker!"
his  glazed eyes and the grog stains   Pobin  giggled  in  greeting, nearly
on  his  Karnhide jumpsuit, I was in   slicing  off  one  of  his customers
for a doozy.                           earlobes in the process.
   "Arthamoos," he began, in a voice      "Greater Orcs  and  Storm  Giants
so slurred you would think he'd just   beware!"  chimed  in  Paboo.   "Here
received   one   of  Surtey's  famed   comes Artemis with his Eog clipboard
neurological  treatments.  "I'ff got   and Laen pencil!"
a  profashishun you can't refroosh."      "Truly,  the  pencil  is mightier
My  heart  sunk lower than a carrion   than the sword!" added Pobin.
worm's belly.                             "Our  dear  departed granmother's
   It  seemed our Mayor, upon learn-   knitting needle is mightier than his
ing  of  my  credentials as Kefour's   sword!" exclaimed Paboo, laughing so
first mage/statistician, had decided   hard  he  shaved off one of his poor
somewhere  in  the  recesses  of the   patron's eyebrows.
empty  gourd he called his head that      "He doesn't need a sword, Paboo."
what  Kelfour  needed  was a census.   said  Pobin.   "He'll  just bore the
And  what Kelfour's inaugural census   beasts to death with his questions!"
needed  most was me!  In his inimit-      Resisting   the   urge   to  hurl
able style, he gave me the option of   shockbolts  in  their  direction,  I
conducting a survey of the citizenry   beseeched  them  to  fill  out a few
or surveying the inside of the guard   forms.
tower  as a newly conscripted member      "Sorry  Artemis,  we're  a little
of  the Militia.  I must have passed   busy right now.  Come back at a more
                                   -21-                             More...
opportune  time and we'll be glad to      I  encountered  only  two  accom-
answer  you  questions,"  said Pobin   modating  residents:  an old man who
reassuringly.                          kept  shuffling  after  me plying me
   "Great!  When should I come back?   with  stories  of the Good Old Days'
Say,  about  an hour?" I asked hope-   when Common-Men were men and Helga's
fully.                                 best brew could be had for 1 silver,
   "Oh... how 'bout  when Claedsbrim   and  a  troll  who claimed to be the
Bay runs dry!" answered Pobin.         Mayor's  illegitimate  son.  I admit
   This  last  cruel  jest  set  the   there  was a family resemblance, but
Halflings  rolling  on  the floor in   the troll didn't smell as bad.
laughter  and  set  me  readying  my      With  time running out, I decided
special    Halfling-to-Toad   spell.   that  some  comprehensive  data  was
Realizing  the  spell might actually   better  than  submitting an analysis
improve  their  looks, I released it   based  on  a senile old man's recol-
and calmly walked out of the shop.     lections  and  on  a  troll's mating
   Unfortunately,  I discovered that   preferences.  So I copied the Family
Kelfour's  permanent residents, like   Fame  rankings  posted in Moot Hall,
those  two  heinous  half-pint hair-   pulled   out   my   trusty   abacus,
dressers,  were  much  too  busy  to   crunched  some  numbers  and came up
answer  a  few  hundred  pointed and   with  a fabulous report.  Yesterday,
prying questions.                      I  marched  into  the Mayor's office
   "S-sorry, I've g-g-got p-pelts to   (holding  my  nose,  of  course)  to
cu-cu-treat," Jarlik told me.          deliver it, confident that given the
   "Ya  goin' ta buy something or ya   extenuating  circumstances our Mayor
goin'  ta pester me with questions?"   would  be  more  than satisfied with
Tyron  demanded  as  he showed me to   the  fruits of my labor.  I was sure
the door.                              he  would give me a lifetime pass to
   "Can't ye see that there a people   Moot Hall's storage lockers.
dying  here?"  asked  Surtey  as  he      Ah  well.  Today, is my first day
mistakenly  pointed  to  those  he'd   of  Guard  duty.   After  getting my
already  tended, who in truth looked   crew-cut  at  the Cutteria, enduring
worse  than  those  waiting  for his   another humiliating round with Pobin
cures.  Even Helga brushed me aside.   and  Paboo,  I've  been  assigned to
   My  fellow  adventurers  were  no   gate  duty,  my  job to "scrutinize"
more  cooperative.   To my dismay, I   all  those  who  enter and leave our
discovered  they  were  much to busy   beloved backwater.
being  flamboyant  to  fill  out any      But  I'm determined noboylet my
survey.   "Hobs  are  a-waitin!"  or   work go for naught.  Following is my
"Sorry,  got  to sell my booty" were   analysis  of Family Fame rankings in
the  most  common  responses, when I   the  form  of tables, charts, graphs
got one at all.                        and  highly  subjective  commentary.
                                       Lodge any complaints with the Mayor.
   Note  on  the  Frequency and Percentage by Professions and Race Table on
the  following  page that of 1060 current adventurers, almost 50% (469) are
Half-Elven.   How to explain this gap between Half-Elves and the others?  A
gap  wider than the space between the Mayor's two front teeth?  I'd like to
think  that  we  Half-Elves  are innately more adventurous, but I fear it's
really because Kelfour's boasts the most taverns and brothels per capita of
any  Kulthean  city.   With  regard to profession, the distribution is more
equally   spread.    Although,   if   you   ask   me,  we  mages  are  much
            Table: Frequency and Percentage by Profession and Race
         |Bard  |Cleric |Fighter|Healer |Mage  |Ranger |Sorcer|Thief | TOTAL
Cmmn Man |     4|      3|      6|      2|     1|     12|     0|     4|     32
         | %0.38|  %0.28|  %0.57|  %0.19| %0.09|  %1.13| %0.00| %0.38|  %3.02
Dwarf    |     1|      3|     15|      6|     0|      3|     0|     3|     31
         | %0.09|  %0.28|  %1.42|  %0.57| %0.00|  %0.28| %0.00| %0.28|  %2.92
Fair Elf |    19|     20|     28|     18|    71|     26|    22|    57|    261
         | %1.79|  %1.89|  %2.64|  %1.70| %6.70|  %2.45| %2.08| %5.38| %24.62
Half Elf |    21|     28|    117|     30|    79|     92|    15|    96|    469
         | %1.98|  %2.64| %11.04|  %2.83| %6.60|  %8.68| %1.42| %9.06| %44.25
Halfling |     1|      1|      0|      0|    10|      1|    10|    10|     33
         | %0.09|  %0.09|  %0.00|  %0.00| %0.94|  %0.09| %0.94| %0.94|  %3.11
High Elf |     4|      0|      1|      4|     8|      3|     3|     5|     28
         | %0.38|  %0.00|  %0.09|  %0.38| %0.75|  %0.28| %0.28| %0.47|  %2.64
High Man |     8|     10|     93|      5|     8|     33|     6|     3|    166
         | %0.75|  %0.94|  %8.77|  %0.47| %0.75|  %3.11| %0.57| %0.28| %15.66
Wood Elf |     3|      1|      4|      1|     8|     12|     4|     7|     40
         | %0.28|  %0.09|  %0.38|  %0.09| %0.75|  %1.13| %0.38| %0.66|  %3.77
TOTAL    |    61|     66|    264|     66|   176|    182|    60|   185|   1060
         | %5.75|  %6.23| %24.91|  %6.23|%16.60| %17.17| %5.66|%17.45|%100.00
                 Table: Mean of Level by Profession and Race
No surprises here, but note how much longer the Half-Elf lines are than the
rest.   Total  average level of 4.38?!  Let's see a double digit mean level
by the next Census!
         |Bard  |Cleric |Fighter|Healer |Mage  |Ranger |Sorcer|Thief | TOTAL
Cmmn Man |  1.75|   2.00|   1.00|   1.00|  1.00|   4.00|  n/a |  3.50|  2.63
Dwarf    | 15.00|   8.00|   3.33|   5.83|   n/a|   1.67|   n/a|  2.67|  4.42
Fair Elf |  4.84|   8.75|   2.29|   2.56|  4.63|   4.65|  3.91|  4.63|  4.51
Half Elf |  5.05|   5.75|   4.15|   6.13|  5.89|   5.88|  2.60|  4.79|  5.09
Halfling |  1.00|   3.00|    n/a|    n/a|  5.20|  14.00|  5.60|  3.30|  4.82
High Elf |  1.00|    n/a|   2.00|   6.00|  1.63|   5.33|  2.00|  1.00|  2.50
High Man |  2.13|   5.30|   2.85|   2.20|  3.13|   2.97|  2.33|  6.00|  3.02
Wood Elf |  1.00|   1.00|   1.25|   5.00|  4.75|   4.08|  2.50|  2.14|  3.15
TOTAL    |  4.02|   6.41|   3.33|   4.65|  4.94|   4.90|  3.52|  4.42|  4.38
                                   -23-                               More...
Cmmn-Man*Bard |**                Horizontal Bar Graph:                    004
Cmmn-Man*Cler |**                """""""""""""""""""""                    003
Cmmn-Man*Fght |***                   Frequency by                         006
Cmmn-Man*Heal |*                     """"""""""""                         002
Cmmn-Man*Mage |*                  RACE and PROFESSION                     001
Cmmn-Man-Rang |******             """""""""""""""""""                     012
Cmmn-Man-Thie |**                                                         004
Dwarf*Bard    |*                                                          001
Dwarf*Cleric  |**                                                         003
Dwarf*Fighter |********                                                   015
Dwarf*Healer  |***                                                        006
Dwarf*Ranger  |**                                                         003
Dwarf*Thief   |**                                                         003
Fair-Elf*Bard |**********                                                 019
Fair-Elf*Cler |**********                                                 020
Fair-Elf*Figh |**************                                             028
Fair-Elf*Heal |*********                                                  018
Fair-Elf*Mage |************************************                       071
Fair-Elf*Rang |************                                               026
Fair-Elf*Sorc |**********                                                 022
Fair-Elf*Thie |****************************                               057
Half-Elf*Bard |**********                                                 021
Half-Elf*Cler |*************                                              028
Half-Elf*Figh |***********************************************************117
Half-Elf*Heal |**************                                             030
Half-Elf*Mage |***********************************                        070
Half-Elf*Rang |**********************************************             092
Half-Elf*Sorc |********                                                   015
Half-Elf*Thie |************************************************           096
Halfling*Bard |*                                                          001
Halfling*Cler |*                                                          001
Halfling*Mage |*****                                                      010
Halfling*Rang |*                                                          001
Halfling*Sorc |*****                                                      010
Halfling*Thie |*****                                                      010
High-Man*Bard |****                                                       008
High-Man*Cler |*****                                                      010
High-Man*Figh |***********************************************            093
High-Man*Heal |***                                                        005
High-Man*Mage |****                                                       008
High-Man*Rang |*****************                                          033
High-Man*Sorc |***                                                        006
High-Man*Thie |**                                                         003
High-Elf*Bard |**                                                         004
High-Elf*Figh |*                                                          001
High-Elf*Heal |**                                                         004
High-Elf*Mage |****                                                       008
High-Elf*Sorc |**                                                         003
High-Elf*Rang |**                                                         003
High-Elf*Thief|***                                                        005
Wood-Elf*Bard |**                                                         003
Wood-Elf*Cler |*                                                          001
Wood-Elf*Figh |**                                                         004
Wood-Elf*Heal |*                                                          001
Wood-Elf*Mage |***                                                        008
Wood-Elf*Rang |******                                                     012
Wood-Elf*Sorc |**                                                         004
Wood-Elf*Thie |****                                                       007
              +---+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+  More..
              0   10   20   30   40   50   60   70   80   90   100 110
LEVEL                   Bar Graph: Mean of Level by Race
5.0 +                            *****
    |                            *****     *****
4.5 +                   *****    *****     *****
    |           *****   *****    *****     *****
4.0 +           *****   *****    *****     *****
    |           *****   *****    *****     *****
3.5 +           *****   *****    *****     *****
    |           *****   *****    *****     *****                       *****
3.0 +           *****   *****    *****     *****              *****    *****
    |  *****    *****   *****    *****     *****              *****    *****
2.5 +  *****    *****   *****    *****     *****     *****    *****    *****
    |  *****    *****   *****    *****     *****     *****    *****    *****
2.0 +  *****    *****   *****    *****     *****     *****    *****    *****
    |  *****    *****   *****    *****     *****     *****    *****    *****
1.5 +  *****    *****   *****    *****     *****     *****    *****    *****
    |  *****    *****   *****    *****     *****     *****    *****    *****
1.0 +  *****    *****   *****    *****     *****     *****    *****    *****
    |  *****    *****   *****    *****     *****     *****    *****    *****
0.5 +  *****    *****   *****    *****     *****     *****    *****    *****
    |  *****    *****   *****    *****     *****     *****    *****    *****
0.0 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------
      Cmmn-Man  Dwarf Fair-Elf  Half-Elf  Halfling High-Elf High-Man Wood-Elf
It appears we Half-Elves have attained the highest average level, although I
did check my calculations  thrice before I was convinced that Halflings have
attained the second highest mean level;  thought Pobin and Paboo had fudged.
LEVEL                    Bar Graph: Mean Level by Profession
6.5 +                    """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
    |           ****
6.0 +           ****
    |           ****
5.5 +           ****
    |           ****
5.0 +           ****                       ****    ****
    |           ****               ****    ****    ****
4.5 +           ****               ****    ****    ****
    |           ****               ****    ****    ****               ****
4.0 +   ****    ****               ****    ****    ****               ****
    |   ****    ****               ****    ****    ****               ****
3.5 +   ****    ****               ****    ****    ****      ****     ****
    |   ****    ****      ****     ****    ****    ****      ****     ****
3.0 +   ****    ****      ****     ****    ****    ****      ****     ****
    |   ****    ****      ****     ****    ****    ****      ****     ****
2.5 +   ****    ****      ****     ****    ****    ****      ****     ****
    |   ****    ****      ****     ****    ****    ****      ****     ****
2.0 +   ****    ****      ****     ****    ****    ****      ****     ****
    |   ****    ****      ****     ****    ****    ****      ****     ****
1.5 +   ****    ****      ****     ****    ****    ****      ****     ****
    |   ****    ****      ****     ****    ****    ****      ****     ****
1.0 +   ****    ****      ****     ****    ****    ****      ****     ****
    |   ****    ****      ****     ****    ****    ****      ****     ****
0.0 +----------------------------------------------------------------------
        Bard   Cleric   Fighter   Healer   Mage   Ranger   Sorcerer   Thief
                                   -25-                             More...
What?!  Look how high these clerics have gotten!  Deity-fawning  must have its
rewards. But notice how much we mages, bereft of divine assistance, have done.
And look who's last. Yep, Fighters. Too much time in the weight-room.
             Table:  Mean of Character Fame by Profession and Race
    |Bard    |Cleric |Fighter|Healer |Mage   |Ranger  |Sorcer |Thief  | TOTAL
CMan|   1,399| 23,796|  2,757|  3,530|  1,673| 406,287|   n/a |173,654|178,834
Dwrf|2852,317|234,572|286,970|157,956|    n/a|  32,628|   n/a | 77,543|294,801
FElf| 482,200|642,473| 59,401| 72,906|359,085| 384,303|229,957|500,892|360,465
HElf| 311,260|460,981|330,169|298,190|635,400| 701,610| 66,521|363,793|451,956
Hlng|     194| 92,081|    n/a|    n/a|373,709|2532,972|576,561|223,734|435,312
HElf|   1,103|    n/a| 32,342|497,564| 29,382| 267,634|35,973 |  3,513|113,945
HMan|  67,496|376,952|166,757| 71,641|111,591| 129,207|  1,641|955,125|169,927
WElf|   4,100|   0.00| 16,988|158,321|358,004| 242,012| 99,503|135,450|183,823
TOTAL 314,115|461,510|228,117|207,872|441,498| 494,486|205,641|380,923|352,855
         Pie Chart: Mean of Character Fame by Race
               Fair-Elf  **********
                     ****          ****   Dwarf      Fleeting and  overrated,
                  ***             *    ***           how  does  fame  accrue?
                **                *       **         By killing  monsters and
              ** *               *         **        jumping  thru  GM hoops!
            **    *    360465    *           **      How 'bout fame for down-
           *       *   16.47%    *  294802     *     ing the most  flagons at
Half-Elf  *         *            *  13.47%      *                    Helga's?
         *           *           *            ** *
       **              *         *         **     **
      **                *       *       **         **
      *                  *      *     **            * Common-
     **     451957        *    *    **    178835    ** Man
     **     20.65%         *   *  **      8.17%     **
     **                     * * **                  **
     **                    **@************************
     **                   *   **                    **
     **                  *     * **       183823    ** Wood-Elf
      *                **      * * ***     8.40%    *
      **            **         *  *   ***          **
       *         ***           *   *     ****      *
        **    ***               *    * 169927 *  *
          ****     435312        *    *  7.76%  *
           *       19.89%        *113945*     (*
            **                   * 5.21% *   **  High-Man
              **                 *        ***
    Halfling    **                *      **
                  ***             *   ***
                     *********** *****   High-Elf                    More...
       Pie Chart: Mean of Character Fame by Profession
              Fighter *****         ****  Cleric      "Fame and Fortune? Be
                   ***     *            ***           a mage," my  High-Man
               ** *          *              **        father  would advise.
             **    *         *   460510       **      Judging by  the  pre-
            *       * 228117  *  16.85%         *     ceding pie chart, the
 Healer    *         * 8.35%  *                  *    Fame is true but what
          *  207873   *       *                ** *   about  fortune?   The
         *   7.61%     *      **             **    *  only silver I  see is
        ***             *      *           **      **           in my hair.
       *      ***         *    *      **            *
      **         ***       *   *    **    314155    ** Bard
      **            ***     *  *  **      11.49%    **
      **               ***** * ***                  **
      **    441498          **@***********************  Not surprising; Fame
Mage  **    16.15%        ***  *                    **  and  infamy are  but
      **                **     * *                  **  flip  sides  of  the
       **            *          *  *     380923     **  coin of notoriety.
        *          **           **  *    13.94%     *
         *       **              *   *             *
          **  **      494586     *     *         *
            **        18.09%     *205641*      *  Thief
             **                  * 7.52% *   **
               **                *        ****
        Ranger   **              *        **
                   ***           *     ***
                     ****        ******  Sorcerer
Rangers are number one in Character Fame?! I suppose knowing torkaan from
gnome spoor with one sniff is a claims to Fame. But Healers last?!  I have
the name of every Healer in town tatooed on my chest. Can't get more famous
than that.
              Table:  Mean of Family Fame by Profession and Race
    |Bard    |Cleric |Fighter|Healer |Mage   |Ranger  |Sorcer |Thief   | TOTAL
CMan|  15,276| 24,413|  6,059|  3,725|  1,673| 419,342|   n/a | 179,110|185,286
Dwrf|3105,622|649,673|353,443|180,089|    n/a|  34,193|   n/a |  78,886|379,873
FElf| 651,959|684,897|114,641| 84,109|455,853| 474,878|346,144| 616,756|453,225
HElf| 334,784|674,707|409,298|345,608|793,878| 762,000|210,344| 431,476|542,496
Hlng|     194|880,595|    n/a|    n/a|639,017|2532,972|785,776| 401,725|656,938
HElf|  23,395|    n/a| 61,113|503,332| 84,787| 386,503| 35,973|  33,152|152,840
HMan|  75,144|382,017|201,018|101,998|117,299| 138,515|  3,552|1271,843|198,628
WElf|   4,637|  2,208| 44,109|159,086|554,653| 270,210| 99,746| 238,634|252,520
TOTAL 381,857|595,681|285,485|2;7,160|570,356| 544,459|319,272| 471,345|433,451
                                   -27-                                More...
           Pie Charts:  Mean of Family Fame by Race
            Fair-Elf  **********
                  ****          ****   Dwarf    Ah, Family fame --  the
               ***             *    ***         measure of you and your
             **                *       **       ancestor's mettle. Okay
           ** *               *         **      if  your  great-grandpa
         **    *    453225    *           **      was a  fearsome  orc-
        *       *   16.06%    *  379873     *        basher. Mine was a
Half-  *         *            *  13.46%      *        fierce librarian.
 Elf  *           *           *            ** *
    **              *         *        **      **
   **                *       *       **         **
   *                  *      *     **            * Common-
  **     542497        *    *    **    185262    ** Man
  **     19.23%         *   *  **      6.57%     **
  **                     * * **                  **
  **                  ****@************************
  **              ****     **                    **
  **           ***          * **       252521    ** Wood-
   *         **             * * ***     8.95%    *   Elf
   **      **                * *   ***          **
    *    **                  *  *     ****      *  Egads! Halflings first
     *  *                    *   *        ******   in family fame!  Well,
      **                     *    *  198628   *    maybe  that's  not  so
       *        656938        *    *  7.04%  *     surprising.  Pobin and
        *       23.28%        *152840*      *       Paboo's ancestors are
         **                   * 5.42% *   **  High-     on display on the
 Halfling  ***                *        ***     Man      Post Office wall.
              ****             *    *** High-
                  ************* *****   Elf
                                 Fighter  *********
Mean of Family Fame by Profession  *******         ****     Cleric
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""**       *            ***
                               ** *        *               ***
                     Healer  **    *        *   595682       **
                            *       * 285484*    17.49%        *
                           *         * 8.38% *                  *
 Mages and Thieves are    *  237161   *      *               ** *
 close behind, but       *   6.96%     *      *             **    *
    --CLERICS--         ***             *     *           **      **
 have it by a nose!    **  ***           *     *        **         ** Bard
                      **       ****        *  *     ***             **
 Perhaps I should     **            ***      * *  **      11.21%    **
 burn more incense.   **               *****  ****                  **
                      **    570357          **@***********************
                      **     16.75%       ***  **                   **
                      **                **      **                  **
                 Mage  **            *          *  *     471346     **
                        *          **           **  *    13.84%     *
                         *       **              *   *             * Thief
                          *     *                *    *           *
                           *  **      544495     *     *         *
                            **        15.99%     *319372*      *
                             ***                 * 9.37% *   **
                       Ranger   ***              *        ***
                                   ***           *     ***
                                     ****        * ****   Sorcerer
                                   -29-  ***********
                           The Prying Parsnips
 _____________          by Miss Louvella Parsnips
/ \ _________ \
\@| ||=|=|=|| |his  month our  mail-   contemplating his offer.  Naturally,
  | ~~ |_| ~~ | box was full  of the   we  will  report every sordid detail
 _|    |_|    | scuttlebutt on  some   of  his performance to you, faithful
/@|   _|_|_   | nasty  goings-on  in   reader, in a future column.
\_/__________/  Kelfour's  Landing.
                                       Decency seems to have fled Kelfour's
The  well-publicized  party  at  the   Landing as two mages,  a flinty half
House of Argent Aspis  was merely an   elf fellow  and   a   jazzy fair elf
excuse  for   dubachery,   lewdness,   damsel were  spotted  coming  out of
and  drunken   disorder.    We  were   Threk's Inn, au natural.
horrified to learn  of  the unseemly
events  at  this  supposedly upright   It  appears  they  were  enjoying  a
organization.                          steamy rendezvous,  when   an unlife
                                       uprising put an end  to their torrid
It seems that  during  the course of   affair.  In   the    confusion  that
the evening,  several   of Kelfour's   followed,  a  thief  made  off  with
more impetuous maidens latched them-   their belongings and both  were left
selves in a bedroom to enjoy the un-   without  a  stitch  of  clothing  or
clothed talents of a certain  ranger   other items  and   were subsequently
with a definite Spanish  accent.       thrown out by Threk.
We have learned that this fellow was   The strumpet in question ran home in
attempting to refute our  comment on   unclad  disgrace   while   her  beau
his lack of stamina  in last month's   strutted into the Temple in a vulgar
column by  propositioning   most, if   display of  bad  manners.  A certain
not all,  of  the  ladies present. A   lady  thief  was  heard   to  remark
very betrothed, heronlike  lady bard   "awfully small,  isn't  it?"  at his
took our Spanish lad up on his offer   entrance.
and  enjoyed  a noisy  and prolonged
encounter  in  one  of the bedrooms.   A  rather   strange   situation  has
                                       developed between Kelfour's favorite
Naturally, her betrothed, a half-elf   mad mage and his new wife, a coyote-
thief,  was  nowhere   to  be found,   faced thief of  questionable morals.
having fled to  the wilds in a  vain   Her flagrant  dalliances  forced him
attempt to save face.                  to have  her  swiftly  inducted into
                                       the House of the  Rising Phoenix, in
Later, the trollop confided that our   the   hopes   that she would be safe
ranger was indeed missing  a certain   from Kelfour's  young swains. (Well,
important something, although he did   we  said  he was  mad,  didn't  we?)
possess a bogus sort of charm.         At  which point  he  hurriedly  left
                                       town, and  was last  reported  to be
We, of course,  do   not find him at   visiting Lobo Akrash, a healer  well
all charming, having  ourselves been   known  for treating mental distress,
propositioned by this odious fellow.   and the inventor of a type of treat-
He pleaded  that  we   allow him the   ment which we understand  is  called
opportunity to prove  himself  to us   Lobo Tomy.
behind  the  latched  door   at  the
Raging Threk Inn.                      Until next  month,  gentle   reader,
                                       remember to send gossip, chatter and
We find his manner shocking, and are   rumors to  MISS.SNOOP  (via GE Mail)
highly offended that  he  would even   where it will be eagerly reported.
consider such a  thing.  However, in
the  interests   of research, we are   Happy meddling and tra-la for now!

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