Kelfour Edition volume II number IV
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_______________________________________________________________________
/ \ \
| | Clerics and Unbelievable Statistics! |
@_/_____________________________________________________________________/
| |
| |
| GemStone III's September 1991 |
| Vol.2, No.4 |
| _ _ _ ___ |
| / ) / ) / ) / __) |
| / /_/ / ____ / / _/ ( ____ __ __ ____ |
| / __/ / __ ) / / ( __) / _ ) / / / / / ___) |
| / /\ \ / ___/ / / / / / (/ / / (_/ / / / |
| (_/ \_) (____) (_( (_( (____/ (_____( (_( |
| __ _____ _ _ _ _ |
| \ / \ / ____) / ) (/ _/ ) (/ |
| |\ \ / __ / (__ ___/ / _ ( _) _ ____ ____ |
| \\ || / \ / ____) / _ / / ) / / / ) / _ ) / ) |
| (O==| | | / (__ / (/ / / / / / / / / (/ / / /) / |
| | |\__/ (_____) (____( (_( (_( (_( (____/ (_((_( |
| //\\ |
| || || The Kronicles of Kulthea |
| __||__||_ |
|____/ \______________________________________________________|
|_____________________________________________________________________|
| |
| Local News .................. Trophy owned by Vlad Drakulya 1 |
| Hunting the Hanging Inn ................... Kalagay Halatil 2 |
| Life or Death ............ Editorial by Wisraith Winterwind 3 |
| Playing the Cleric ................... Michaeloos Duraderos 4 |
| Transformed ............................. Amelda Heronheart 5 |
| Drawing Twentyfive ........... Owned by Airioch Ramthanadox 8 |
| A Cleric's Tale ............................... Faith Larks 9 |
| Thoreandan ................................ Bannor Trocolar 10 |
| Party at Argent Aspis ..................... Miriel Evenstar 11 |
| WolfCAKE ...................................... Hilgavolkas 12 |
| Letter to the Editor ............................ Kaoti Nim 12 |
| Chivalry in Action ..................... Gallenod Varynesti 13 |
| An Ear for the Uncommon ................. Belladonna Atropa 14 |
| Azia's Tale ................................. Dane Redlance 15 |
| BIG Like Everyone Else, Pt 2 ...... Avondale de|{nightSaber 18 |
| Go Figure ................................ Artemis Al~Anhir 20 |
| The Prying Parsnips ................ Miss Louvella Parsnips 30 |
|_____________________________________________________________________|
| |
| Kelfour Edition of the Kronicles of Kulthea is devoted to the multi-|
| player roleplaying game GemStone III on GEnie Information Network. |
| Submissions may be edited for space, accuracy and readability. |
| Contact Editor Lady Wisraith Winterwind, Assistant Editor Rune |
| Arundel, Stringer Samwell Hawkholder, or Publisher Phaedra Bleu by |
| GE Mail to P.HERRINGTON for details. Banner art by Yonah |
| __________________________________________________________________|___
| / /
\_/_____________________________________________________________________/
Local News:
Art Auction Raises 227,000 Silvers Three Cheers!!! For Our Clerics!
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Several of Kulthea's big spenders This issue of KE features articles
gathered in the square last month to by and about our Clerics, those won-
bid on paintings, sculptures, ban- derful (and surprisingly powerful)
ners and trophies at Kelfour's souls who save us when we perish
first Summer Festival Art __ from attacks by underestimated
Auction! \ / \ monsters in the lands.
|\ \ / __
Vlad and Airioch left with \\ || / \ Four fairly new Livegiving
bulging portfolios. When (O==| | | (resurrecting) clerics
we asked Count Vlad why | |\__/ you might want to get
he spend a small fortune //\\ to know better are:
on artwork, the intrepid || || Faith, Michealoos,
philanthropist replied, __||__||_ Melda and Redeye.
"Over the centuries, _____/ \_____
art is the only thing / \
that gains sufficient- / This trophy \
ly in value. That's / honors those who fought \
kinda important to / and won in the 1991 \
us vampyres." / Kelfour Summer Festival \
/ Gladitorial Games \
/ Hosted by Vlad and Dec \
___________/___________________________________\____________
/ | 1 on 1 |Free for all| Teams |1 on 1 \
/ Lvls |(no magic) | (magic) | (magic) |(magic) \
|_________|___________|____________|__________________|__________|
| | | | | |
| 1-3 | Kellryn | Isei | Isei & Salazar | Isei |
| 4-7 | Lelldorin | Isei | Alexis & Uriah | Isei |
| 8-12 | Kenner | Gallenod | Kenner & Kalagay | Joqain |
| 13-19 | Beolost | Beolost | Beolost (solo) | Joqain |
\ Lords | Ise | Talon | Talon & Wisraith | Dagmar /
\_______|___________|____________|__________________|________/
\ Winner of the final, everyone /
\ included free for all was /
\ Dagmar /
\___________________________/
Government in Kelfour's Declares: accordance with the seriousness of
your offense, and will be able to
Law and Order shall prevail! collect your possessions from the
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""" office of the Constable. If you do
Several changes to law enforcement not have enough silver on you to pay
within the town limits of Kelfour's your fine, some of your possessions
Landing have been put into effect. will be sold off to make good your
debt. The rest of your possessions
Murder within the town limits, by will remain for you to retrieve for
weapon, by spell, or by wand attacks up to one hour after your arrest.
is now punishable by instant warrant If they are left in the Constable's
and arrest. Office for more than an hour, it is
very likely they will be permanently
Arrests no longer mean the automatic confiscated or appropriated by some
loss of your inventory. You will be of the less upstanding law enforce-
taken before the judge, fined in ment officials in town.
-1- More News...
Existence Of Earth Substantiated
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
From FOE (Flows Of Essence) Newswire
Anaheim, August 10, 1991: Fifteen heat. Amelda and Kaoti (who had
adventurers overcame the problems of plied herself with several glasses
inter-dimensional travel and met of champagne) shared their secrets
face to face as their alter ego's. of love through the parser. Gilthor
The occasion was the first meeting and Eowyn told of their quest and
of the Tribe, otherwise known as the predicted their return to Kelfour's
Southern California Players Group. Landing in October. After several
In attendance were Kaoti, Inyigo, hours, the group noticed the dinner
Kyafar, Siobann, Kyanna, Gilthor, crowd pulling in and took their
Eowyn, Meriadoc, Zepath, Amelda, meeting out into the parking lot.
Zinderin, Elvanion, Shayna, Kenner Still going strong as the sun sank
and Miriel. behind the horizon, Inyigo, Amelda
and Kaoti formed a caravan with the
The group met at Mimi's Cafe for strange metal steeds they used for
lunch. Over a sumptuous feast of transportation and followed Gilthor
deep fried foods, they compared and Eowyn back to their lair.
notes and shared surprise at the
strange personages they had taken on Many thanks to Inyigo, Zepath and
in the earthly land. Though the Zinderin for arranging the event.
group was located at the back of the
restaurant, they still managed to Editor's Note: KE has learned of a
shock nearby patrons as talk of similar gathering reputed on "earth"
dying, disembowelment, teleportation scheduled to take place at a loca-
and spells drifted through the room. tion described as the Right Coast
Zepath shared his latest maps with sometime in September. Check the
the group. Elvanion took a lot of MPGRT Bulletin Board for details.
_____________
Hunting the Hanging Inn
""""""""""""""""""""""" Remember: To SHARE silver coins with
by Kalagay Halatil all members of your hunting party,
Sung to the tune of hold hands and say SHARE <AMOUNT>.
"The Teddy Bears' Picnic"
_____________________
If you go into the Inn today // \
You better not go alone. || MPGRT Conferences |
If you go into the Inn today || 10PM ET, in Room 6 |
You better not go alone... || """""""""""""""""" |
|| Sept. 3: |
For every Orc and Marmot there was || Monster Levels. |
Will harry and tear at you just because || |
For them it is fun || Sept.10: CLERICS |
A-watching you run || Class Discussions |
To the attic. || Guest: Taarna. |
|| |
If you hang out at the Inn today || Sept. 17: Scenario |
You better not be alone. || Development: Gira. |
If you hang out at the Inn today || |
A cleric should come along... || Sept. 24: |
||"There Otter Be a Law"|
To bless your blade and pray for you || :-) |
(It's handy for resurrections too!) \\____________________/
Then test the fates || |
And go for the Wraiths || |
In the attic. ~~`~~~~''~~
-2-
Life or Death
"""""""""""""
by Wisraith Winterwind
___________ Editor of Kelfour Edition
/ \ ______ \
\@|~ |_|~\\ |eath in Kulthea is not ennui, many said, "there's nothing
| |~| ||| as it is elsewhere. left to hunt." Suggestions of other
_| |~| ||| As long as one takes prey often led to a response of
/@| |~|_// | the minimal precau- "That place is too dangerous, I
\_/ ~~~~~~ / tion of obtaining a would die there." They opted for
~~~~~~~~~~ deed, physical death safety first and, ultimately that
becomes almost a trivial matter, a choice killed them.
temporary setback. There was a time
when enough deaths could spell the We should not fear bodily death.
end of an otherwise distinguished That is not to say we should reck-
career but with the existence of lessly court it, but certainly we
resurrecting clerics only rarely are the worse for our timidity if we
must we rely on Eissa's sometimes experience nothing new, nothing
imperfect recreations of our bodies. unknown, nothing dangerous because
Now the worst to be expected is we fear bodily death. Flesh is
perhaps a loss of equipment and not repairable, replaceable; experience
even this if one doesn't carry of variety is not.
valuables when alone.
Is one who hunts only what is eas-
In Kelfour's Landing the only real iest, least dangerous the one you
death is a cessation of existence. would rely on to lead a rescue party
Not the death of flesh but the or a quest; a quest certainly
absence of spirit and soul with designed to test not only strength
which to animate our easily regen- of arms but strength of mind, of
erated bodies. We have, all of us flexibility, of courage? No, you
but the very young or the very would not, and neither would I. We
timid, "died," our bodies failing to would look to those with the most
absorb some amount of punishment practical experience, those who had
dealt to it. Nonetheless, we see faced a multitude of dangers and
each other day to day and thus prove opponents, those who, even if their
our existence -- prove that we yet bodies died in the process, learned
live. from those encounters techniques
applicable to new situations. The
Immortalitly? Alas, no. Many I could only way to become such a person is
name are gone from here, more surely to _live_, to fill your life not
dead than could ever be accomplished with the experience of hunting a few
by the mere destruction of their things over and over again but by
bodies. What killed them? Their seeking the challenge of those
souls, gradually or all at once, things which you must be smart as
forsook this place. Some were well as strong to vanquish, seeking
broken, but most simply lost track those areas where new things lie
of what drew them here in the first waiting for you to prove yourself.
place; experiencing the new, the
unique and the exciting. Physical If someone cautions you against
death had nothing to do with it. doing something or exploring some-
where, tell him to take his white
Somewhere along the road to great- cane and crutches back to the hearth
hood, there is temptation to take at Threk's where he can listen to
the short route to reach it. Many of tales of valor, the like of which he
the truly dead lost their way when will never be a part. Kulthea is
that short route beckoned to them, large, and it bites. You'd best be
luring them with promises of quick ready for what it slings at you, or
glory. When asked the cause of their stand aside for those who are.
-3-
Playing the Cleric
""""""""""""""""""
By Michealoos Duraderos
_______________
/ \ ____ ____\
\@| +|~| __ |~|+|anted: Bold and in- EloQuence is automatically 90 and
| |~|/~~\|~| | trepid adventurers determines how much field experience
_| |~/~/\~\~| | to join the honor- you can acquire before you must
/@| _|__/ \__|_| able profession of rest. PResence has few applications
\_/_____________/ Cleric. so put your second lower statistic
there. The COnstitution bonus gives
Being a Cleric is not an easy task you some extra concussion points in
and is probably the hardest profes- addition to the Base Hit Point
sion next to a healer. As a result, Total. Put a number bettween 60 and
there aren't many around. Clerics 80 here and hope you roll a high
have two important missions, pro- potential.
tecting life and destroying Unlife.
If you think you are tough and brave After you have your statistics you
enough for this, read on. need to choose you race. One of the
best races for a Cleric is the half
Rolling a Cleric is simple. Their elf. They have racial bonuses in
primary statistics are INtuition and QUickness, STrength and AGility, and
EloQuence; QUickness and STrength a maximum of 150 base concussion
are also important, and INtuition points, not including those you
determines how many power points you receive due to your COnstitution
gain at each level. As you go up in bonus. They have a self discipline
level you'll need many power points penalty (as do all elves), a trait
to cast powerful spells. Don't that is largely unimportant. Fair
settle for the automatic 90 that you elves are quicker but weaker than
receive for INtuition. You want 97 half elves. Wood elves are the most
or higher; with 100 you will get agile of the elves. High men are
three power points per level. the strongest of all the races but
they suffer from a QUickness pen-
QUickness determines your defensive alty. Halflings have a STrength
bonus (DB) at parry 0 or without a penalty but are agile. All races
weapon. At all levels you will need have their strengths and weakness
a good DB to survive. You should try and Clerics may be of any race.
to get a 90 or better in QUickness.
With a 94 you will get a 14 point Next you must train your Cleric.
bonus to DB plus the racial bonus You should train at every oppor-
(if any). If you choose a half elf tunity in a weapon, the easiest
the racial bonus is 10. Next comes being single-handed edged. You may
STrength, this determines your prefer crushing or two-handed wea-
physical attack, you should put a 90 pons. Crushing weapons give better
or better in this statistic. With a criticals and are better against
95 you will get a 10 point bonus heavily armored monsters. Two-
plus the racial bonus. Half elves handed weapons do more damage than
also get a 10 point racial bonus in other weapons but you can't use a
STrength. shield when you attack which reduces
you DB. You can train only once per
When you roll your Cleric, try for level in each kind of weapon.
least three 90's or values over 90.
Put a decent number in AGility as The next thing to train in is body
this helps with directed spells and development. This increases your
skinning. REasoning determines how concussion points and allows you to
fast you can absorb your experience take more damage without dying.
so don't put a low number there. As After body development, always train
a primary statistic for Clerics, twice in channeling until you have a
-4- Continued on page 6
_____ ._ ^ . . ____ ___ ._. ._ . . ___ ._
| | \ / \ |\ | | | | | | \ |\ /| | | \
| |=/ /===\ | \ | \== |== | | |=/ | \ / | |== | |
| | \ / \ | \| / | |_| | \ | \/ | |__ !_/......
' ' ,/ ' '
...OR HOW NAXXIXX BECAME ~~ A CASUALTY OF THE GREAT SCAVENGER HUNT
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
by Amelda Heronheart
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| \\\ \ \ / / _/___ :&&&&&% \%%%##|
| \ /.@ }}> &%% ) ;###|
| __\__ \ / " ^ \###|
|"" ({{ @.\ \ " / ; ) \##|
|##; \_ / \ \ / ^ ^ ) ) \ )#|
|###: \ ; ## / / /# ^ \# ##|
|#// '.. .' ) ####/ / / # /;# ;##|
|#### | /^^\ ) #####;# )/#//###|###|
|##/// /^^^#| )\ ) ######)#/### ####;###|
|### /^#( |##|/##\ #########"###;########|
|#"/;/ /####\|#######\ \ #############"########|
|###/ ( |#############| \#######################|
|##;/ |##########|\#/ #######################|
|#### \####/|###| ) ;#######################|
|###; ^\( |#/^~~~ \\ "#########################|
|#; ~~^^ ###########|
| ########|
| . Milord (my Sweetheart) was a thief ;######|
| \ His time in Kelfour's all too brief ########|
| // While scavenging for clues and such #######|
| A werebear proved a trifle much. #####|
| __________________ ####|
| / \ \ His life Eissa did retract ##|
| |@/________________/ She was unmoved, for deeds he lacked! #|
| | | When next I saw my darling's face #|
| | A | How much had changed -- both class and race! |
| | Most Grievous | |
| | | A sorcerer with hair like night |
| | = WEREBEAR = | And yet within, that glowing light |
| | | The selfsame twinkle in his eye |
| | of the | That speaks of love that ne'er will die. |
| | Lower | |
| | Dragonsfang | Though another minor alteration |
| | Forest | Changed my dear one's blood and station #|
| | ________________! From thief to healer, Half-Elf to Fair #|
| |@\ \ No change can dim the love we share. ##|
|# \_/________________/ ##|
|## AH ####|
===========================================================================
skill of a 100. Next to spell attack the Unlife. The Unlife is
casting, channeling is the most immune to normal weapon attacks.
important Clerical skill. It allows
you to transfer power points between Lifekeeping (305) This spell binds
other characters in the channeling the soul of a fallen adventurer to
realm who also have channeling his body for 30 additional seconds
skill. You also need a high chan- per level of the caster. This spell
neling skill to resurrect. is used in preparation for
resurrection.
When you train in spells you should
always put 10 points into research. Prayer of Holding II (306) This
You don't want to take chances mis- spell is same as holding I but
sing a roll; with 10 invested you affects Unlife levels 6 to 15.
are assured of getting the spell.
Research the first time the closed Repelundead II (307) Same as Repel
channeling list; you will get the I but will affect Unlife of levels
calm spell. This is an important 7 to 15.
tool for a Cleric in the performance
of resurrections. Research the Well of Life(308) Allows the caster
Cleric base list every time there- to transfer life levels to other
after and you will get lifegiving at adventurers. The amount of life
level 12. Here is a list with all levels depends on the channeling
the spells that you will learn in skill of the caster and the person
your quest for resurrection: getting the life levels. The spell
won't allow the caster to go to no
Calm1 (201) calms a creature so it life levels so the caster will
can't attack until the spell wears always have at least one level left
off or it is attacked. This spell after casting the spell.
works on any kind of monster.
Neutralize Curse (309) This spell
Prayer of Holding1 (301) Will put a removes a curse from an item for 10
monster in a sleep like state. Its seconds per level of the caster.
DB goes to zero and OB decreases by The curse will return after the
30. It can attack you after it is spell wears off.
attacked but it will still be held.
The spell's duration is 10 seconds Sphere of Protection (310) This
per level of the caster. It works spell is like Resistance I but will
on Unlife levels 1 to level 5. protect everyone joined with the
Cleric. After that the group can be
Repelundead1 (302) This is your disbanded and all will still be
main weapon against the Unlife. It protected.
destroy the monster if it fails the
resistance roll badly. Or else, if Blinding (311) This spell stuns
it fails the roll it will run to an any creature that fails its
adjacent room. Affects Unlife to resistance roll. After a sucessful
level 6. If the creature does not cast, the target loses some of its
fail the resistance roll, the spell DB and can't attack for the dur-
only costs one power point. ation of the spell which lasts 5
seconds per level of the caster.
Resistance1 (303) This spell
improves your moral fortitude, Lifegiving I (312) This spell
giving a +10 to your DB and your returns life to a dead player. It
resistance rolls. Its duration is takes 75% of the caster's life
15 seconds per level of the caster. levels. Your chance of failure
depends on your channeling skill.
Holy Blade (304) this spell changes If you fail you will not lose your
a normal weapon into a holy weapon life levels, though you will lose
which can be used by anybody to the power points. After you cast
-6- More...
this spell you will be stunned from this will help you in skinning and
the shock of transferring your life if you get hurt you may be able to
essence to the dead body. stop the bleeding until you get to a
healer. You can train twice per
These are not all of the spells level in this skill. Training in
available but from here on most will trading helps you lower the price of
be more powerful versions of these the items that you buy from the
spells. You can study from three merchants in town and allows you to
lists: Cleric base, Closed Chan- bargain harder without angering
neling and Open Channeling lists. them: Train once the first two
Wait until you get to Lifegiving1 to training sections. The rest of the
train on other lists. A spell skills don't concern Clerics much
unique to Clerics is Commune. This but rigid leather is a good skill to
spell (Cleric base) is learned after have if you plan to fight creatures
you reach Lord level. It allows you with natural attacks. These attacks
to call on a deity for help, though are bite, claw, stomp, sting, etc.
which one responds depends on fate Remember that wearing armor has a
or luck. There is a chance that the basic penalty that you can't avoid
gods won't listen at all in which no matter your number of skill
case you get some of your power ranks. Much has been written about
points back. armor in previous Kelfour Editions.
After spells, you should train in After this you are ready to go to
staves/wands. This allows you to the world and fight the Unlife.
cast spells imbedded in the essence With this begins the great quest for
and channeling staves and wands. the supreme power of resurrection,
There are five wands that can be dur- ing which you will certainly be
found as treasure. Iron and silver witness to this god given power
wands both cast shockbolt. Metal either when performed on you or
wands cast ice ball and golden wands others. Once you can cast Well of
cast firebolt. You can use these Life you can help fellow Clerics
wands but take a -30 penalty for not prepare for other resurrections.
being of the essence realm. You
will need 6 skill ranks in order to As a level one Cleric you should
overcome the penalty. The oaken hunt torkans and kobolds. Wait
wand which casts Unstun is a until you have learned Repel I and
channeling wand. This wand can help Holy Blade to test your mettle in
a fellow Cleric recover from the the graveyard. You will find much
shock of a resurrection. You can Unlife there, of all levels. Some
train twice per level in this skill. Unlife can cast the fear spell. Be
Not as cheap to train in as for careful with these creatures and
mages or sorcerers but much cheaper don't fight them alone or you may
that any other profession. well lose your possessions and your
life. There is some new Unlife in
Next comes directed spells. This is the coastal cliff area: ghosts and
OB for elementals attacks. This also spectral fisherman. The ghosts are
increases your DB against elemental level 2 and can be killed easily
spell attacks. You can train only once you have Repel1. The spectral
once per level but at a modest 3 fishermen are level 6 and you can
points. Train next in first aid: use Repel1 on them too. The
______________________________________________________________
/ \
| Figure 1: Channeling Formula |
| |
| sender's / receiver's / number of |
| channeling / 100 * channeling / 100 * power points |
| skill / skill / |
\______________________________________________________________/
-7- More...
fishermen use have an OB of 40 with and you are out of power points.
their nets. If your DB is better After you know that you have plenty
than 40, and you wear heavy hide you of time, calm all the monsters in
should not worry about receiving a the area. You may ask other adven-
critical from one unless its net turers to leave the area so no more
breaks, when they revert to claw critters can generate. When you cast
attacks with an OB of 50. There is Lifegiving, you will go into a
other Unlife around but you they RoundTime. When you come out of it
should wait until you reach higher ring to a safe area since you will
levels to take them on. also be at -75% mod, not a healthy
condition to walk around in. You
You can buy holy weapons at the will need about 10 minutes to regain
Cleric shop (just west of the all your life levels.
Temple) which can be wielded by
Clerics to destroy the Unlife. These You can have more power points than
weapons use the special training your maximum when clerics, healers,
that Clerics gain when young. Later rangers or sorcerers channel them to
you can buy a weapons made of holy you. CHANNEL <amount power> <person>
white eog which adds +10 to your OB. is the command used to transfer
power between players. Success
Once you have lifegiving the gods depends on the channeling skill of
will give you 700 experience points the sender and receiver. See Figure
for every resurrection you perform. 1 for the formula to determine how
This is a gift for your dedication. many power points can be channeled.
Performing a resurrection is an easy
task. Once you find the body of the That's what you need to know. Join
unfortunate adventurer you should the few, the proud, the Clerics in
cast Lifekeeping on him (or her). the eternal search for the supreme
This provides some extra time in the power of resurrection.
case that your resurrection fails
__________________________________________________________________________
| |
| SO,BARDON, YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN KEEP ALL US DEMONS OUT OF YOUR GAME? |
| WELL, UM, WE *WANT* A PIECE OF THE ACTION TOO... |
| OR YOU MAY AS WELL KISS KULTHEA GOODBYE! |
| / |
| |
| ( ) ^^^^^^ *What the @!*? GIRA!!!! |
| \\'// /\ |/ \| / |
| / (.)(.) /\||/\ ((.)(.)) |
| (@ \ D/ |||||| | c | )) |
| \ uuuu \_ _/ \o / || |
| /\ _/ \ || /--\ // |
| / AGOTH |___/= ( )/ |
| \\___ |___|= //|SIMU| ^ |
| (( ==) | || ^ \\ |____| ^ |
| ) =/ | || ^ ))| | ^ ^ |
| ^ | || ((^* ) --^--- ^ ^( ( |
| (( \\ | | || ) )((^ | || | ( ( ( ) ) |
| )^)) | | || ( ( ) _|_||_|_ ) (* ( ( |
| ( ( (^ \ \__||_(*))*_(_(___)(___)____( * ) )*)* ) |
| *)* ) __\- . .. . ... . . . . .. . . |
| .. . . . . . . . . . . . . |
| . . . . . . . . . . |
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Auction Drawing Twentyfive, now owned by by Airioch Ramthanadox
-8-
A Cleric's Tale
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
______________ by Faith Larks
/ \ ____ ____ \
\@| ~| | | |~ |ope will always be it ignored me, and started instead
| |~|--|~| | there," was what to feed on the bodies. It was then
_| |~|--|~| | my father told me that I realized with horror that the
/@| _|~| |~|_ | as I grew up. villagers were not dead; it seemed
\_/ ~~~~ ~~~~ / that this creature draining the very
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My father, Hope life from them. When I saw my
Larks, a humble Common Man farmer, father being prepared for this
worked hard and tried to live a creature I was enraged and acted
tranquil life. I don't remember without thinking; shaking off my
Spirit, my Fair Elven mother, for fear I ran out the door and grabbed
she died when I was young. But he a mace lying on the ground. I
told me stories of her kindness and charged the vile thing, but before I
gentleness. She was seamstress by could but a few steps a strange
trade and had a noble heart. She force knocked me unconscious.
worked in Kelfour's Landing as an When I awoke the Unlife had left
assistant to Sariis the tailor until the village and I was the only
one night a dark gentleman of Half survivor. Grieving and afraid, I
Elven descent strode into the shop began to cry but after many hours of
intent on plunder. My mother, sorrow I remembered that the bodies
working in the back room, heard a needed proper burial. How I was
scream and without thought for her- going to bury all the villagers I
self ran into the front room. When did not know but with resolve I
she arrived, she was struck by a began my task. To my dismay, I did
dagger in her heart. not find any bodies. I thought with
Grief fills my heart whenever I disgust that they were eaten. With
think of my dear mother, but that a feeling of gloom I decided to head
grief is but a fraction of the for Kelfour's Landing. After count-
sorrow I feel when I think of less empty hours of walking I
another fateful day. I remember it arrived at the gates. Having
clearly for it was my 16th birthday. visited the town when my father came
The day was beautiful, with clear to buy supplies, I knew my way
sunny sky; my father was working the around. I was striding through the
fields of the village and I was gates when the guards stopped me.
alone in our home. Without warning, They looked at me and asked
a chilling touch struck my very body "What's your business in Kelfour's
and soul. I knew something terrible Landing?" I realized with dismay
was happening in the town. Ter- that I looked a mess so I explained
rified and anguished screams started what had transpired over the last
coming from outside. I ran to the few days. With much compassion, the
door and filled with fear I opened guards asked if they could escort me
it and looked out. The sight that anywhere. I took their kind offer
struck me was unforgettable; I saw and asked to be lead to the Temple
the bodies of villagers, among them of Eissa.
my dear father. Hanging over them At the temple I was greeted by a
were hoards of ghouls, ghosts and kind and gentle monk. "How can I
phantoms seemingly preparing the help you, my child?" he asked. When
bodies for something. I told him of the attack on my
Then I saw it: A most hideous village he exclaimed, "My child you
sight. The visage of this creature are lucky to be alive! That hideous
immobilized me with fear. When it creature was a Wight Lord!" The
looked in my direction, I tried to shock hit me: a Wight Lord! I
flee but could not. It gazed into thought, I had of them but never did
my eyes and from its mouth came a I think I would see one. Grief and
cruel and hideous laugh. Yet then weariness overwhelmed me, and I was
-9- More...
taken to a room to rest. Thoreandan
Waking after many hours of sleep, """"""""""
I saw another monk sitting by my by Bannor Trocolar
bed. "You have slept for two days
my child, I hope you feel better." Let me tell you 'bout
I nodded. "Have you been by my Thoreandan.
bed for all that time?" The man who bit off
"My brothers and I have been the Dragon's hand
watching you since you arrived," No blows from his sword
said the monk. I was comforted by ever did land
his warm smile. I decided at that So he bit off
moment what my course in life would the Dragon's hand
be: I would be a cleric.
After seven long hard years of Paws and claws
study and prayers with the monks, I could be the cause
was told I was ready for the next of anyone here's
step. With much sorrow and a bit of Demise
excitement, I left the kind monks to
seek my destiny. Stepping out the Into danger
door, I was unprepared for the entrusting our sword
hustle and bustle of the town, To ward of Dragon
having spent the last seven years or evil horde
cloistered with monks living simply
and without haste. Seeing so many We love danger
people whiz by me made my head spin and we love our wine
and trying to get someone to help me Just like treasure
was even more trying. These people we hope to find
moved with such great speed that
before I said what I was going to Do be kind
say, they were gone. to poor and blind
But with the help of the gods I See well out
will make it yet. My first stop was beyond your eyes
the general store, where I acquired
a leather backpack. Next I headed Let me tell you 'bout
to Anzell's armory to buy some heavy Thoreandan.
hide armor, a wooden shield, a The man who bit off
leather helm, some arm greaves, some the Dragon's hand
leather greaves, and a metal No blows from his sword
aventail. My last stop was the arms ever did land
shop where I decided on a mace since So he bit off
it was the first weapon I had ever the Dragon's hand.
held. --------
The image of confidence, I strode the rat bit at me and missed again.
toward the catacombs because I had I swung my mace again with resolve
heard that giant rats infested the but missed again. This was harder
lower reaches of the town. I then I had expected but after many
stepped through the opening into the minutes of battle I finally got the
dark- ness. My eyes having best of the beast. I will always
adjusted, I took my mace and shield remember that first victory.
out and began to search for these The seven years since that first
vile rats. After a few moments I rat have been filled with ups and
found one. downs. Of the downs the worst are
Its size amazed me, but I was the deaths; I pray that the dying
ready. It attacked me but missed will stop but alas I think it will
terribly. I brought my mace to never be. But that will be another
bear, and swung it with confidence story, another time. I still
at the rat but missed! This remember, "Hope will always be
surprised me and in the confusion, there."
-10-
Party at Argent Aspis
"""""""""""""""""""""
by Miriel Evenstar
___________
/ \ ______ \
\@| /~/~~\_\ |tanding in the town Then, without warning, the doors
| \~\____~ | square, Lady Taarna, flew open and people poured in,
_| _~~~~\~\ | Piffen and I fretted leaving the poor doorman struggling
/@| \~\__/~/ | that the first offi- to keep up with the announcements as
\_/ ~~~~~~ / cial party thrown by the guests arrived. It seemed the
~~~~~~~~~~ the House of Argent whole of Kelfour's Landing was
Aspis would have no guests, just us represeted; Lords and Ladies supped
I nervously kicked the trunk of the with the young while those of all
old tree that Piffen leaned against professions regaled each other with
and scuffed my new boots. "I must tales of their exploits.
head back to the house," I told
them, "The caterers will be arriving After filling our plates with food,
soon!" we all gathered in the lounge to
share the talents of some of the
Piffen smiled mischievously, "I have guests. The bard Amelda Heronheart
an idea! I'll go to the temple and entertained us with her songs then
start some rumors about a huge prize performed love duets with her fiance
we'll be offering!" Giggling, she Naxxixx. Inspired by this show of
waved and darted down the street. devotion, Kaoti shared her wedding
song with us. Finally, Inyigo sang
Taarna grabbed my hand and pulled me a magical tune that made pictures
along with her, hurrying down South dance before our eyes.
Ring Road toward the river. "I
haven't changed my clothes yet!" she More than one man was overcome by
panted as we ran across the bridge. the abundance of available drinks.
Artemis began by throwing glasses of
brandy around the room, and then
The House of Argent Aspis was proceeded to flirt with the elderly
polished, gleaming and ready to open Lady Sevla. An attempt at diversion,
its doors to Kelfour's Landing. We we played a game of silver tag that
arrived as last minute preparations became a confusion of people running
were being made: Beolost quietly around bumping into each other.
giving instructions to the doorman, Finally, the halfling Larkspur
Elvanion rehearsing a group of Snowleopard was declared the winner.
strolling minstrels in the Grand When asked how he managed to avoid
Hall. The caterers marched into the being tagged, he said, "Nobody pays
room carrying trays laden with any attention to another hobbit at
little quince tarts, skewers of the refreshment table." His resour-
torkaan steak and barbequed cocka- cefulness was rewarded with a small
trice legs. I quickly grabbed a sack containing 5000 coins.
tart and, eating it eagerly, checked
over the bar's supply of sparkling At last came the entertainment that
silver champagne, fine old brandy all the ladies had been awaiting!
and our private stock of Erebor's Gathering in Lady Taarna's bedroom,
Tipple. Everything is ready, I we left all the men in the lounge
thought, but where are the guests? with their drinks except, that is,
Inyigo. Amelda sat beside the fire-
At that moment Azia poked his head place, her musical instruments
through the door and looked at us arranged around her and began play-
questioningly. "Isn't this a party? ing a pulsing rhythm while all of us
Where is everyone?" The musicians found seats and tried to get the
stopped playing and there was a best view of Inyigo's provocative
moment of uncomfortable silence. dancing. When he finished (clothed
-11- More...
in little more than the flower Letter to the Editor
between his teeth) he knelt and _________ """"""""""""""""""""
offered the rose to Lady Valeria, / \ _____ \
who stood up with a whoop and hopped \@| ~|_|~ |n response to the edito-
on his back. | |~| | rial of Rune Arundel,
_| |~| | KE August, 1991:
=----------------------------------= /@| _|~|_ |
OOOoooohhhh Who is this WolfCAKE?! \_/ ~~~~~ / This response is not
~~~~~~~~ written for the doves or
|/_ _\| the hawks. This is written for all
(| |) of you in the middle of the road.
// ^^^^^\\ Get out of my way!
/ / [~.~] \ \
\ ) \ = / / } Much as I'd like to come out totally
\ -- |--/ | against anything from the pen of
\ \ v */ Rune Arundel, in this case I just
\\._|._/) can't. Conflict is good and in my
\_ _/ opinion, a little more of it is just
|_[.]_| what is needed in Kelfour's Landing.
/\\__//\ Why is it good? Again, I agree with
/ |||| | Rune, "It gets you what you want."
/ |||| ) Some of you oppose conflict:
( / || /
\ \ ( ( I strove with none, for none was
\ \ \ \ worth my strife;
: - \ \ Nature I love; and next to
| / ; ) nature, art.
o /_/ o /_/ o I warmed both hands before the
o o o fire of life;
It sinks, and I am ready to depart.
by Hilgavolkas
If you truly agree with this Walter
=---------------------------------= Savage Landor quatrain, I can not
= FOR A GOOD TIME...DIAL KEL-FOUR = fault you. Your forays to cavers and
=---------------------------------= steelies give you the experience to
more easily vanquish more cavers and
steelies contents you.
The dance was documented by Hilga-
volkas who managed despite fainting But it is the so-called peace "keep-
spells to pull out her sketchpad and ers" that offend me. Not content to
finish several drawings. Our private stay out of the fray, they feel it
party was rudely interrupted by a is nessecary to pipe up with their
shouting and banging at the door. puny judgements about those of us
The men, headed by Beolost and who have convictions worth fighting
Naxxixx, had grown impatient at for -- while at the same time
being left on their own. We all disclaiming any involvement. To all
tried hiding, but Hilga's constant of you I say get in or get out.
hiccuping gave us away. There is no such thing as walking
the line. Sooner or later you will
By that time, I was exhausted and have to come down on one side or the
crept to my room falling sound other. This is a frontier town,
asleep on my bed, fully clothed with governed by laws of survival of the
the sounds of the party continuing fittest. If you don't want to find
around me. I heard later that there yourself on the business end of a
was dancing near the fountain and broadsword someday, tread silently
more singing but nothing could have away from the field of battle.
kept me awake any longer.
Kaoti Nim
-12-
Chivalry in Action:
The Suit Makes the Male
"""""""""""""""""""""""
by Gallenod Varynesti
_____________
/ \ _____ \
\@| /~/~~~\\ |hivalry isn't dead, crashing boor whose sentences are
| |~| ~ |just ignored. Perhaps frequently punctuated by the
| |~| |I'm a throwback to a swordpoints of the people he or she
_| |~| _ |more formal age. May- antagonizes. I am of the old
/@| \~\___// |be Kelfour's Landing school; chivalry adds glamour to my
\_/ ~~~~~~ /is too modern for my otherwise mundane existence and
~~~~~~~~~~~~ taste. Whatever, I am formal behavior helps me through
appalled at some of the rude, situations where I might offend if I
boorish and downright unchivalrous were less careful.
behavior displayed by some of our
residents. I was raised to value Yes, yes, I know: "Get to the
etiquette, protocol, and the finer point, Gall, what did you mean by
points of polite behavior and feel suit, if you didn't mean clothes?"
that following the paths of chivalry Well, in male female relationships
will add considerable enjoyment to in chivalrous societies, a "suitor"
our lives here in the Landing. You was one who tried to win the favor
may think from the title that I'm of a lady and/or her guardian with
suggesting the clothing shop change the intention of asking for the
men's styles. Not at all. This is lady's hand in marriage. He would
about how female players can change then be assigned a condition to
the style and flavor of their fullfill before his "suit" (or claim
relationships with male players to to the lady's favor) would be
the mutual enjoyment of all. accepted. In some cases, this was
an open competition, and the first
Traditionally, societies based on suitor to complete the terms would
chivalry have been chauvinistic and be awarded the lady. The terms
male-dominated. The concept main- ranged from proving cleverness by
tained that males being larger and solving a riddle to slaying a dragon
stronger, were both the protectors and bringing back its head.
and controllers of the females who
were physically weaker. Hill trolls While I sincerely doubt any of the
are stronger than apprentice mages, ladies in town would submit
but I hardly think anyone here themselves as prizes for the first
advocates that the trolls should be male to win a contest, most might
making the decisions for both of benefit from testing the mettle of
them. In Kelfour's Landing, our their suitors. In other words: "If
females don't suffer the same you truly love me, Urghon, you'll
physical handicap; they are poten- take a bath." (Many barbarians never
tially equal with male characters in marry because of this dread
all areas, including that ancient request.) There are also instances
determinant, physical strength. of ladies performing spectacular
deeds to attract the attention of
However, despite this equality, I the male of their dreams. (The
still observe some remnants of chiv- proviso here, ladies, is don't be
alric behavior between males and too spectacular. Male egos bruise
females here. This is not neces- easily. Killing a troll with one
sarily a bad thing, as formalized swipe may also make him a bit
social conventions help grease the nervous about his chances of a long
wheels of society. Anyone who and healthy life if he makes a pass
prides his or herself on being at you. I've seen and heard of too
"perfectly frank and totally honest" many examples where a "significant
at all times is probably a rude, other," usually, but not exclu-
-13- Continued on Page 17
An Ear for the Uncommon
"""""""""""""""""""""""
_________ by Belladonna Atropa
/ \ _____ \
\@| ~|_|~ |'ve been wandering aro- "I got it on sale."
| |~| | und Kulthea for months
_| |~| | now -- long enough to "I've had this sword for years."
/@| _|~|_ | know better than trust
\_/ ~~~~~ / most of the characters "Boy, fighting all those monsters
~~~~~~~~ who live there -- and sure gets you thirsty, doesn't it?"
I've seen many strange, sometimes
wonderful things. "You haven't aged a bit." "Thanks!"
But for all that, it would be hard "The kids all have his last name,
to imagine any of these sights would but I decided to go with a hyphen."
be as impressive were there were no
sounds with them. The view from the "What should I wear?"
Iorak's Reach, where Orhan and her
satellite are in clear sight, would "A silver coin! Put it in your shoe."
fail to impress if the babble of the
marketplace could be heard in the "What am I going to do with all this
background. There, of course, the money?"
only appropriate sound is silence.
"It want to fight. But we hit it a
In the fields where hobgoblins play, few times, and it surrendered peace-
silence is rare at best, and at fully."
worst, ominous. We of the Landing
are noisy hunters, preferring to "I never worry about glare: The
frighten our enemy into a foolish visor in my helmet is tinted."
break from cover than to catch it
unawares. This tends to result in "Best of all, the scabbard has a
our stumbling onto several adver- child-proof hilt strap."
saries at once, and I'm one of the
last people you'll see eager to meet "My character is too powerful."
an orc, two hobgoblins and a troll
at the same time. "Don't worry about my stuff when I
depart. It's all insured.
The sound I associate with that
sight is a scream, usually of pain, "He does terrific bird calls."
and usually mine. Still, it's more
fun to hunt with people who talk "It's called Eau de Kaldsfang."
than alone. But what about things
you don't hear? For example, here's "If you want to catch an orc, you
some things I've never heard said in have to learn to think like an orc."
Kelfour's Landing:
"Yeah, she's pretty enough, but she
"That battle with the kobold was one can't cook."
I'll never forget."
"You have a beautiful accent."
"Like my new shaalk boots?"
"The fighters' union has a great
"What a beautiful sunset! Or are we retirement plan."
facing east?"
"The second he walked into the room,
"Look me in the eye and say that." I started to tingle all over. What
can I say? He's built like a dwarf."
"We gotta do something about Azia.
He knows too much." "Don't get him mad. He's a bard."
-14-
Azia's Tale
"""""""""""
_______________ by Dane Redlance
/ \ ____ ____\
\@| +|~~\ /~~|+|y good friend Azia really done it this time. He's ang-
| |~\~\/~/~| |Atlantia was one of ered the whole town, he has. And
_| |~|\~~/|~| |those rare fellows there are some people wishing to
/@| _|~| ~~ |~|_|who never had to have a few words with him!" He rub-
\_/ ~~~~ ~~~~/work hard to find bed his arm and continued, "I might
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ trouble. As some of be one of them."
you know, a couple of weeks ago,
Azia had to make a sudden journey "Okay, what's Azia done this time?
from Kulthea. By way of a farewell, Did he just walk on again when one
I decided to tell the true story of of them lordly-types bowed and said
one of his many misadventures. hello? By Orgiana's Orb, I've told
him a million times --"
Darien e'Drien and I were taste
testing a new batch of Dragons- Darien shook his head. "Not this
draught ale Helga had just purchased time, friend. Something much bigger.
from the brewery on East Ring Road. Word is out that Azia has been
After we had nearly floated a keg of sliding up to newcomers to our
it by ourselves and stumbled back to little town and inviting them out on
our respective rooms, I attempted to their first hunts. When he gets them
get some rest. Two days and a fierce far enough, he shoves a broadsword
headache later, I awoke to a boist- through the newcomer's side and
erous banging on my door. makes off with the loot."
"Argh! Let me in, Dane!" shouted the I stared at my friend in disbelief.
owner of the fist at my door. "Azia?" I asked. Something was
"Really big news for you!" tugging at the back of my mind, but
I couldn't place the feeling. "That
At that moment I could just imagine doesn't sound like Azia. Let's go
the earth-splattering information look for him, and see what he says."
Darien could have for me at six in With that, I dressed and together we
the morning. searched for Azia.
Stumbling out of bed and opening the It didn't take long to realize that
door, I glared at Darien and tapped Azia had skipped town. Funny thing
on my head. "See this, Darien?" I was, he had left all his clothes in
asked. "It hurts, it really hurts! his room. At least, that's what we
And this incessant banging at my found out when we asked Frith, the
door is --" owner of the inn where Azia stayed.
He cut me off with a chuckle and a "No sirrees, Goodman Azia hadn't
pat on the shoulder. "Ho, friend been by this place much lately, what
Dane, your head's still pounding it with 'is name bein' drug through the
seems. Might it still be the ale we mud," replied Frith. "I hear tell
shared the other night, eh?" that th' Constable is thinkin' of
putting out a warrant, don'y'know,
I slapped him upside his head. "No, for his capture! No, he hasn't been
it was the tooth fairy coming a bit by, but you make sure you tell him
early, okay? Of course it was the that he has this month's post t'send
ale and I have only you to thank. me. Else the thingers he's left in
What are you banging about anyway?" his room may just up 'n' disappear."
Still chuckling about half-elves and Thanking him, Darien and I trudged
their drinking abilities, he rep- to Helga's to plan our next move.
lied, "Well, your friend Azia has Just as we were pulling a draught, I
-15- More...
felt a buzz through my amulet. After a few seconds, a voice called
from the shadows. "Dane, no tricks.
I recognized Maoler's thoughts whis- Anyone else with you?" After I shook
pering into the shadows. "Azia is my head, Azia stepped out into the
at it again. Two dead strangers out light. "So you found me. Now what?
on the mine road. Everything gone,
no orc in sight, and I'm sure I saw I chuckled. "Azia, you know you're
Azia here with them just a few not guilty, so forget the charade.
minutes ago." It's time you dealt with this little
problem though, here and now."
I rubbed my amulet and thought, "Are
you sure it was him?" His eyes flew wide open, "You
remember! I should have known you
"Positive, except his hair looks a would, but bejeezus, Dane, its been
little shorter now. But it looked seven years since you've seen him.
just like him hunting with Derk and How could you still remember about
Iolfen. I tried to catch up to them, Hothgar?" He sat down and waited for
but they moved too quickly." Maoler my explanation.
sounded disappointed.
"To tell you the truth, I didn't
At the description, I finally recog- really catch it until just this
nized the tugging in my head. "It's morning. Maomer said on the amulet
not Azia!" I shouted at Darien, "But that two more visitors went down and
now we have to find the real Azia." that it was you with them, only with
I stood up. "We gotta move, friend. shorter hair." I sat down across
Fast!" from the firepit. "As long as I've
known you, you've always had long
With a bewildered look, Darien hair, Azia. If you were still
finished his drink. "I'll explain intent on hunting newbies, why would
soon," I told him. you cut it?" I smiled. "Because you
wouldn't. Then I remembered who
Just then Helga bulged over to our looks like you, talks like you,
table and winked. "Are ya'll needing nearly everything's the same except
a little information, sweeties?" She --"
extended a wrinkled palm outward and
waited expectantly. Azia shrugged. "Okay, so Hothgar's
hair and his attitude are the only
I smiled at her. "Helga, if anyone differences between him and me, but
in this town knew where Azia was, it I'm still not going back to the
would have to be you." Dropping a Landing."
few coins her way, I said, "Okay,
let's hear it." "Why not?"
We split up then. Darien went to the A pained expression crossed his
temple to alert any lynching party face. "Would you murder your own
about the truth behind the Newbie brother, Dane?"
Annihilator, while I journeyed to
the Upper Kaldsfang and shimmied up And then I understood. Azia and I
a tall pine tree. From there, I got journeyed here to Kelfour's Landing
my bearings and remembered the together. One of the reasons he had
general directions given to me by left was to get away from his family
Helga. I went off the Ridge Trail back in Sprinfielden. I take that
and searched for a couple of hours. back -- the only reason he left was
because of the reason he was in
Finally, I stumbled upon what looked trouble today: Hothgar Atlantia, his
to be an abandoned campsite. younger brother.
"Azia, it's me, Dane." Hothgar Atlantia was not evil per se.
-16- More...
It was just that from the time he began discussing the events of the
could walk, he lived with a previous days. Hothgar became angry
different set of values. To him, and Azia's suggestion that he leave
help and hurt were just two ways of this town, pulled out his short
interacting with people. I believe sword and shaved Azia's ear with a
it was that he didn't look to the snarl. "Brother, you have run from
consequences of his actions, only to me before, but this time I will slay
the events surrounding their accom- you where you make your pitiful
plishment that made him so different stand."
from the rest of us.
Hothgar's wild energy was no match
Since I grew up with both of them, for the cold, hard feeling in the
I had come to understand how much pit of his brother's stomach. Azia
Azia despised Hothgar. But until had finally made up his mind, and
this day I could never understand the finality of his decision helped
why Azia had always run rather than guide his broadsword again and again
put an end to Hothgar's killings. To around Hothgar's desperate parries.
Azia, Hothgar was a brother, no
more, no less. And that was enough When the fight was over, Azia gently
to stop Azia. He could confront his wrapped his brother's body in his
dark shadow, but with Hothgar's cloak and carried him out to a
temper and lack of lawful values, distant clearing, where he began the
such a meeting could only end in the task of burying his fallen sibling.
death of one of them. So Azia chose As he finished, he quietly asked
to hide out or move on, living with forgiveness from his distant family,
the guilt of Hothgar's actions so as then stood up to go. His brother
to live without the guilt of his would kill no more.
death. ======\\=======
I looked straight at him. "It's time Chivalry in Action
friend. Either you do it or I """"""""""""""""""
will." (Continued from Page 13)
sively, male, treated one who loved
I think he actually looked grateful. them quite shabbily.
Finally, the choice had been made
for him. Perhaps more thorough testing of the
mettle of our intended mates before
I rubbed my amulet just in time to marriage will help after the
hear Darien call out to me. "Dane, nuptials. Who knows, more secure
we have Hothgar. What now?" By the marriages may help quell the rising
look on Azia's face, I knew he had tide of scurrilous gossip slung by a
heard the message too. He nodded his certain back alley columnist. (Or
head and turned to gather his gear. is it back page? I always seem to
confuse those two terms in this
"Bring him to the arena, Darien. I'm person's case.) At any rate, I only
with Azia and he wants to deal with hope my intended will accept my
this situation himself." deeds on her behalf as proof of my
devotion to her. She has already
I learned what had gone on at the proven herself to me. (The five
arena one night when Azia and I were trolls she slaughtered before I even
wasting our silvers at Beldreck's. got my sword ready were pretty
Of course, I and the others had left impressed, too. I make it a point
the arena after bringing Azia and never to try kissing her when she's
Hothgar there as we had decided by armed.) Remember, as you walk life's
mutual agreement to let Azia take road, that honor is a great weapon
care of this himself. in the battle against evil. Seek it
in all aspects of your life, not
Azia told me that he and his brother just combat.
-17-
BIG Like Everyone Else
""""""""""""""""""""""
by Avondale de|{nightSaber
____________ Part 2, Continued from KE11, April 1991
/ \ _____ \
\@| /~/~\~\ |
| |~| |~| |uickly grabbing the that Dark Orc attack you! How'd you
| |~| |~| | apple, Smelly starts get away?" he asks disbelievingly.
_| \~\_/~/ | to bite it. But upon "I ate my apple and whoila,
/@| ~~~\~\ | looking closer, he kicked his boodie. I don't know how,
\_/ ~~~/ raises an eyebrow. and I got some broken teeth but the
~~~~~~~~~~~ This will never do! orc had nothing to do with it. It
Who'd eat a dirty thing like that? was that tough apple -- but I showed
As he rubs it clean he feels a that orc!" Smelly laughs and laughs.
sudden, strong tingling sensation.
Wow, these apples are strange, he Next day, Gnome School
thinks. So deep, ruby red. He bites "Here, Grampy, drop me off here."
it. Eeaah, wonder what it's made of? "No, your mother told me to see
He looks down as two of his teeth you in, and I will."
hit the ground. "Ahh shucks, Grampy, I know my
At that very moment, Arkquis, the way!" Smelly says, thinking: Darn
fiercesome Dark Orc, flys through oldies. Sheesh, this old guy will
the air toward him and completely embarass the hell out of me. Oh no,
misses, landing flat on his wide and there's Buttercup standing by
nose. "Hahaha! You can't catch me, the door. Please go in, please go
silly oaf," Smelly taunts. Quickly in. Darn, she won't go in, in time!
grabbing up his things, he starts "Okay, here we are. Now be a good
running back towards the mine. gnome and listen to your teacher.
Arkquis picks himself up and readies She knows what she's doing."
another assault. "Yes, Grampy."
"Don't wanna give up?" asks "Wait. I'll walk you to the room.
Smelly turning back. "Well, take "I know where it is already!"
that, and that!" he cries, pounding "I want to meet your teacher."
away with his little axe. "Uh huh. The last time you said
"You can't hurt me little one, something like that, you ended up
but I will crush you to pulp if I with a hand print on your face.
don't suck your bones." Again Leave the girls alone."
Arkquis goes for the kill -- and Smelly hurries to his class
again he misses! What is going on, before Grampa can follow.
he wonders?
Smelly giggles. "I'm just too Class starts
TOUGH for you, meany! Now go away "Hello, my name is Ms. Nelson
or I will devastate you!" Grabbing and I'm your fourth grade teacher.
up his things again, Smelly makes I would like to begin by asking each
for home, leaving Arkquis wondering and every one of you to tell the
how he could have failed to crush rest of the class about yourselves."
such a small opponent. Oh no, an ice breaker! thinks
Smelly, fidgeting in his seat.
Back at the Mines "Okay," says Ms. Nelson. "We
"Hiya Gramps!" Smelly calls as he will start with you, Buttercup."
arrives back at the mines. Buttercup stands, and as she
Gramps jumps, thinking he has moves to the front of the class,
seen a ghost. "Oh, my gods? What! everyone sees the grace and smooth
How'd you get here?" Gramps asks. movements of her well-shaped body.
"You're supposed to be dead!" "Helloooo everyone," she croons.
"Hey Grampy, that's not nice to "My name is Buttercup. I plan to
call people dead when they aren't." become a Cleric and help our govern-
"How, how can this be? I saw ment fight the Unlife my father says
-18- More...
is getting out of control. He says After School
they cheat everyone in the realm Smelly is running around the
about giving away free power and not schoolyard playing a great warrior
telling of the consequenses. In the as Buttercup sits on the front
end, my father says they will steps, reading. She sighs.
collect their dues by making your Wonder what's keeping father, she
body permanently much weaker than thinks. He must have a lot of work
before. Hopefully, I'll be able to at the office. She sighs again,
help my father and join in his fight standing to stretch her legs and
against the Unlife. Thank you." She walk around the schoolyard a bit.
wiggles back to her seat, making As she rounds a corner of the
Smelly wiggle in his. building, Smelly comes flying along
Hrrmpt, who cares about the and literally runs over her. Tears
Unlife, he thinks. Once I graduate form in her eyes as she sprawls on
as a Warrior Extraordinaire, I'll the ground, and she since she doesnt
crush anything I want! want to cry, she ends up sobbing.
"That was very good, Buttercup," Smelly mutters, "Sorry," and begins
says Ms. Nelson. As they continue, to run off again, but then suddenly
Smelly finds a comfortable position stops. He feels transfixed by this
and soon falls asleep. He wakes up girl and glances around quickly to
sometime later, yawning. Ah, I need- see if anyone is watching.
ed that, he thinks. Now, where am Seeing no one, he walks back and
I? Oh yeah, school. He looks around, kneels down beside her. She's de-
slowly aware that everyone is finitely not as pretty with her face
looking at him, even Buttercup, who all screwed up, he thinks, but for
has a smile on her cute little lips. some reason he feels an urge to hug
What do they want? he wonders. her and make the pain go away. What
Oh gods, don't tell me I got a do I care? he wonders. Confused and
bugger. Quickly, he turns away and too scared to do anything herself,
wipes his nose with his hands. Oh, Buttercup just sits there, dumb-
please don't give me a bugger now. struck. But the presence of his
Please, oh please, oh please. Look- warm breath and broad, muscled
ing at his hands, he finds nothing shoulders make her feel better and
but slobber from the table where he her sobs quiet at last.
was sleeping. Ahh, he thinks. Turn- Finally, Smelly put his arms
ing back confidently, his smile around her tentatively, making sure
turns to a grimace as he again no one is around of course, and hugs
realizes all eyes are upon him. He her. As he begins to release her,
feels his sweat rising. he looks into her eyes and what eyes
"Ah, um... Well, Smekinski?" they are! Still a little wet with
says Ms. Nelson. "It's your turn." tears, but by gods do they sparkle!
"Oh gods! The intros," Smelly They have fire within, and he can't
thinks as he scrambles to his feet. help but look longer.
"Um, my name is Smekinski Little- "I... I don't know what to say,"
foot, but you can call me Smelly. he mutters. "Ummm, I'm sorry for the
I, uhh, am from the mining nation of rude things I said."
Kulthea and I like Buttercup. Ack! Buttercup shifts her whole sweet-
I mean I like butterflies." He hates scented body and he can smell her
them. "I'm going to be the best breath when she leans against him.
warrior in the world and I care How am I gonna get out of this?
nothing about the Unlife. I care not he asks himself. Where's my apple?
what it does or what it will do." To Be Continued
With that, he sticks his tongue __________________________________
out at Buttercup and sits down. / REMEMBER \
The ice breaker continues al- | """""""" |
though Smelly remembers none of it. | Kelfour Edition pays contributors |
Finally, Ms. Nelson allows them to | with *FREE WEEKENDS* in GemStone. |
play until lunch, saying they should | Email P.HERRINGTON for details. |
get to know each another. \__________________________________/
-19-
Go Figure
"""""""""
___________ by Artemis Al~Anhir
/ \ ______ \
\@| /~/~~\_\ |
| \~\____~ |tay away from drink- climbed the oak in Central Square!"
_| _~~~~\~\ | ing establishments, "Au contraire, my little pip-
/@| \~\__/~/ | son," mother warned squeak," I replied as I blew mead
\_/ ~~~~~~ / me. "The weakness of foam into his face. "I happen to
~~~~~~~~~~ your constitution is hold an advanced degree in statis-
surpassed only by the size of your tics from Kulthea Tech. And you, my
ego -- which is exceeded only by the diminutive dunderhead, are certainly
size of your mouth. These traits, no expert in matters pertaining to
inherited from your father, of height; such talk coming from one
course, further exacerbated by the who needs a step ladder to trim a
inbibation of liquid intoxicants, dwarf's beard!"
invariably place you in situations "Degree in statistics!" Pobin
of a sticky and intractable nature." squeaked as he pounded the counter
This was my beloved High-Elf mum's in mirth. "The only figures you
way of saying, "Stay away from ale- ever manipulated were half-naked
joints, you clod! You'll get drunk, elven tarts, or naked half-elven
open your big mouth and get yourself tarts, at Cheldar's Bathhouse!"
in more trouble than a newbie in "Advanced degree of exagger-
werebear country!" I should have ation!" added Paboo, Pobin's equally
listened. obnoxious little brother.
My current prickly predicament So excited were these two by
has its roots in that infamous their own wit that they were bobbing
watering hole, Helga's Tavern. There up and down on their stools like
I was, three months ago today, lean- Bards' adam's apples, their high-
ing against the splintering counter, pitched squeaky laughter sounding
woozier than a stunned kobold, with like a flock of hiccuping torkaans.
a flagon (my 12th) of Helga's best I was about to cut these half-pint
mead in one hand and her sauciest hecklers down to size with an obser-
serving wench in the other. I was vation that trolls swung from the
busy recounting my numerous heroic maternal branch of their family tree
exploits to the usual motley assem- when I felt a hand upon the shoulder
blage when the kitchen doors swung pad of my heavy hide armor. Fearing
open and in came Helga, beaming it belonged to Kelfour's omnipresent
proudly and carrying a tray of debt collector I quickly tied a
steaming delectables. "New happy double sailor's knot on the draw-
hour special!" she proclaimed. "Tork string of my silk money purse and
kabobs, roasted in curfalaka juice." spun around to tell this greedy
Quickly trading the barmaid for a bureaucrat to keep his fingers off
more palatable kabob, I proceeded to my assests. The words caught in my
enthrall my appreciative audience throat as my blurred vision revealed
with the scope of my knowledge. the owner of the pudgy hand: the
"You know," I began, "Torks aren't Mayor!
valued only for their succulent "I should have known from the
flesh. The smooth skin on their smell," I thought.
underbellies is prized by Kulthea's Our Mayor, of course, is infamous
finest universities. For only this for having cultivated a distinctive
skin is suitable for the creation of body odor reminiscent in its putre-
the diplomas conferred by our scent pungency of uncured giant rat
institutions of higher learning." pelt. A hygenic trait (or lack
"Sure, Artemis," piped in Pobin, thereof) which makes him a valued
Kelfour's only licensed barber- house guest only if one has a
cosmetologist. "The closest you ever particularly bothersome roach pro-
came to higher education is when you blem -- the poor pests vacate within
-20- More...
hours of his arrival. Many a bar- out at that point, for I have no
room philosopher has posited that further recollection of the evening.
the Mayor's stupifying stench is not To this day I'm not sure if it was
so much a complete disregard for the mead that did me in, the Mayor's
basic cleanliness, but rather a ghastly proposal, or the Mayor's
brilliant political ploy. ghastly breath.
As a savvy and thoroughly I awoke the next afternoon in my
inebriated old dwarf once commented, bed at the Raging Threk Inn (with a
"The Mayor's got no stayin' power raging hangover) hoping against hope
other 'n smell. Sweet Eissa! He'da that the previous night had been but
been sacked long ago but for the a bad dream. However, my worst
fact that his smell's gone 'n seeped fears were confirmed when at the
into every reekin' corner of the foot of my bed I saw, stamped with
Mayoral offices in Moot Hall. No the Mayor's official seal, a draft
aspirin' beaurocrat can stomach the notice post-dated three months
thought of havin' to work within the hence, a clipboard, and a note which
stinkin' walls of our illustrious read, "You've got three months to
Mayor's personal pigpen! He's run get that report on my desk or it's
unopposed for 5 terms!" six months guard duty. P.S. The
"Ahem!" The Mayor cleared his clipboard is a gift from me. Use it
throat and my reverie was broken. quickly!"
Looking at his moon-shaped face, Confident of my canvassing
dominated by a smile so wide a skills, I trekked the muddy streets
wolverine would have been envious, I of our town, leaving no door
pictured my mother giving me one of unknocked, no sewer grate unopened,
her triumphant "I told you so" no obvious exit unused, in my quest
looks. for information. I even mustered the
"You've done it again, you dolt!" courage (swallowed enough pride) to
I thought, for I knew our Mayor venture into The Kelfour Cutteria,
never deigned to speak to his con- Pobin and Paboo's hair and nail
stituents unless he wished to invol- salon. Having heard of my unfor-
ve them in one of his half-baked tunate circumstance, the two were
schemes, schemes that became posi- paragons of sympathy and restraint.
tively overcooked once he got near "Oooooh... It's Artemis Al~Anhir!
any form of liquor. Judging from Kelfour's mightiest survey-taker!"
his glazed eyes and the grog stains Pobin giggled in greeting, nearly
on his Karnhide jumpsuit, I was in slicing off one of his customers
for a doozy. earlobes in the process.
"Arthamoos," he began, in a voice "Greater Orcs and Storm Giants
so slurred you would think he'd just beware!" chimed in Paboo. "Here
received one of Surtey's famed comes Artemis with his Eog clipboard
neurological treatments. "I'ff got and Laen pencil!"
a profashishun you can't refroosh." "Truly, the pencil is mightier
My heart sunk lower than a carrion than the sword!" added Pobin.
worm's belly. "Our dear departed granmother's
It seemed our Mayor, upon learn- knitting needle is mightier than his
ing of my credentials as Kefour's sword!" exclaimed Paboo, laughing so
first mage/statistician, had decided hard he shaved off one of his poor
somewhere in the recesses of the patron's eyebrows.
empty gourd he called his head that "He doesn't need a sword, Paboo."
what Kelfour needed was a census. said Pobin. "He'll just bore the
And what Kelfour's inaugural census beasts to death with his questions!"
needed most was me! In his inimit- Resisting the urge to hurl
able style, he gave me the option of shockbolts in their direction, I
conducting a survey of the citizenry beseeched them to fill out a few
or surveying the inside of the guard forms.
tower as a newly conscripted member "Sorry Artemis, we're a little
of the Militia. I must have passed busy right now. Come back at a more
-21- More...
opportune time and we'll be glad to I encountered only two accom-
answer you questions," said Pobin modating residents: an old man who
reassuringly. kept shuffling after me plying me
"Great! When should I come back? with stories of the Good Old Days'
Say, about an hour?" I asked hope- when Common-Men were men and Helga's
fully. best brew could be had for 1 silver,
"Oh... how 'bout when Claedsbrim and a troll who claimed to be the
Bay runs dry!" answered Pobin. Mayor's illegitimate son. I admit
This last cruel jest set the there was a family resemblance, but
Halflings rolling on the floor in the troll didn't smell as bad.
laughter and set me readying my With time running out, I decided
special Halfling-to-Toad spell. that some comprehensive data was
Realizing the spell might actually better than submitting an analysis
improve their looks, I released it based on a senile old man's recol-
and calmly walked out of the shop. lections and on a troll's mating
Unfortunately, I discovered that preferences. So I copied the Family
Kelfour's permanent residents, like Fame rankings posted in Moot Hall,
those two heinous half-pint hair- pulled out my trusty abacus,
dressers, were much too busy to crunched some numbers and came up
answer a few hundred pointed and with a fabulous report. Yesterday,
prying questions. I marched into the Mayor's office
"S-sorry, I've g-g-got p-pelts to (holding my nose, of course) to
cu-cu-treat," Jarlik told me. deliver it, confident that given the
"Ya goin' ta buy something or ya extenuating circumstances our Mayor
goin' ta pester me with questions?" would be more than satisfied with
Tyron demanded as he showed me to the fruits of my labor. I was sure
the door. he would give me a lifetime pass to
"Can't ye see that there a people Moot Hall's storage lockers.
dying here?" asked Surtey as he Ah well. Today, is my first day
mistakenly pointed to those he'd of Guard duty. After getting my
already tended, who in truth looked crew-cut at the Cutteria, enduring
worse than those waiting for his another humiliating round with Pobin
cures. Even Helga brushed me aside. and Paboo, I've been assigned to
My fellow adventurers were no gate duty, my job to "scrutinize"
more cooperative. To my dismay, I all those who enter and leave our
discovered they were much to busy beloved backwater.
being flamboyant to fill out any But I'm determined noboylet my
survey. "Hobs are a-waitin!" or work go for naught. Following is my
"Sorry, got to sell my booty" were analysis of Family Fame rankings in
the most common responses, when I the form of tables, charts, graphs
got one at all. and highly subjective commentary.
Lodge any complaints with the Mayor.
Note on the Frequency and Percentage by Professions and Race Table on
the following page that of 1060 current adventurers, almost 50% (469) are
Half-Elven. How to explain this gap between Half-Elves and the others? A
gap wider than the space between the Mayor's two front teeth? I'd like to
think that we Half-Elves are innately more adventurous, but I fear it's
really because Kelfour's boasts the most taverns and brothels per capita of
any Kulthean city. With regard to profession, the distribution is more
equally spread. Although, if you ask me, we mages are much
under-represented.
More...
-22-
Table: Frequency and Percentage by Profession and Race
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
|Bard |Cleric |Fighter|Healer |Mage |Ranger |Sorcer|Thief | TOTAL
+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
Cmmn Man | 4| 3| 6| 2| 1| 12| 0| 4| 32
| %0.38| %0.28| %0.57| %0.19| %0.09| %1.13| %0.00| %0.38| %3.02
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
Dwarf | 1| 3| 15| 6| 0| 3| 0| 3| 31
| %0.09| %0.28| %1.42| %0.57| %0.00| %0.28| %0.00| %0.28| %2.92
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
Fair Elf | 19| 20| 28| 18| 71| 26| 22| 57| 261
| %1.79| %1.89| %2.64| %1.70| %6.70| %2.45| %2.08| %5.38| %24.62
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
Half Elf | 21| 28| 117| 30| 79| 92| 15| 96| 469
| %1.98| %2.64| %11.04| %2.83| %6.60| %8.68| %1.42| %9.06| %44.25
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
Halfling | 1| 1| 0| 0| 10| 1| 10| 10| 33
| %0.09| %0.09| %0.00| %0.00| %0.94| %0.09| %0.94| %0.94| %3.11
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
High Elf | 4| 0| 1| 4| 8| 3| 3| 5| 28
| %0.38| %0.00| %0.09| %0.38| %0.75| %0.28| %0.28| %0.47| %2.64
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
High Man | 8| 10| 93| 5| 8| 33| 6| 3| 166
| %0.75| %0.94| %8.77| %0.47| %0.75| %3.11| %0.57| %0.28| %15.66
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
Wood Elf | 3| 1| 4| 1| 8| 12| 4| 7| 40
| %0.28| %0.09| %0.38| %0.09| %0.75| %1.13| %0.38| %0.66| %3.77
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
TOTAL | 61| 66| 264| 66| 176| 182| 60| 185| 1060
| %5.75| %6.23| %24.91| %6.23|%16.60| %17.17| %5.66|%17.45|%100.00
Table: Mean of Level by Profession and Race
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
No surprises here, but note how much longer the Half-Elf lines are than the
rest. Total average level of 4.38?! Let's see a double digit mean level
by the next Census!
|Bard |Cleric |Fighter|Healer |Mage |Ranger |Sorcer|Thief | TOTAL
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
Cmmn Man | 1.75| 2.00| 1.00| 1.00| 1.00| 4.00| n/a | 3.50| 2.63
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
Dwarf | 15.00| 8.00| 3.33| 5.83| n/a| 1.67| n/a| 2.67| 4.42
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
Fair Elf | 4.84| 8.75| 2.29| 2.56| 4.63| 4.65| 3.91| 4.63| 4.51
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
Half Elf | 5.05| 5.75| 4.15| 6.13| 5.89| 5.88| 2.60| 4.79| 5.09
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
Halfling | 1.00| 3.00| n/a| n/a| 5.20| 14.00| 5.60| 3.30| 4.82
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
High Elf | 1.00| n/a| 2.00| 6.00| 1.63| 5.33| 2.00| 1.00| 2.50
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
High Man | 2.13| 5.30| 2.85| 2.20| 3.13| 2.97| 2.33| 6.00| 3.02
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
Wood Elf | 1.00| 1.00| 1.25| 5.00| 4.75| 4.08| 2.50| 2.14| 3.15
---------+------+-------+-------+-------+------+-------+------+------+-------
TOTAL | 4.02| 6.41| 3.33| 4.65| 4.94| 4.90| 3.52| 4.42| 4.38
-23- More...
Cmmn-Man*Bard |** Horizontal Bar Graph: 004
Cmmn-Man*Cler |** """"""""""""""""""""" 003
Cmmn-Man*Fght |*** Frequency by 006
Cmmn-Man*Heal |* """""""""""" 002
Cmmn-Man*Mage |* RACE and PROFESSION 001
Cmmn-Man-Rang |****** """"""""""""""""""" 012
Cmmn-Man-Thie |** 004
Dwarf*Bard |* 001
Dwarf*Cleric |** 003
Dwarf*Fighter |******** 015
Dwarf*Healer |*** 006
Dwarf*Ranger |** 003
Dwarf*Thief |** 003
Fair-Elf*Bard |********** 019
Fair-Elf*Cler |********** 020
Fair-Elf*Figh |************** 028
Fair-Elf*Heal |********* 018
Fair-Elf*Mage |************************************ 071
Fair-Elf*Rang |************ 026
Fair-Elf*Sorc |********** 022
Fair-Elf*Thie |**************************** 057
Half-Elf*Bard |********** 021
Half-Elf*Cler |************* 028
Half-Elf*Figh |***********************************************************117
Half-Elf*Heal |************** 030
Half-Elf*Mage |*********************************** 070
Half-Elf*Rang |********************************************** 092
Half-Elf*Sorc |******** 015
Half-Elf*Thie |************************************************ 096
Halfling*Bard |* 001
Halfling*Cler |* 001
Halfling*Mage |***** 010
Halfling*Rang |* 001
Halfling*Sorc |***** 010
Halfling*Thie |***** 010
High-Man*Bard |**** 008
High-Man*Cler |***** 010
High-Man*Figh |*********************************************** 093
High-Man*Heal |*** 005
High-Man*Mage |**** 008
High-Man*Rang |***************** 033
High-Man*Sorc |*** 006
High-Man*Thie |** 003
High-Elf*Bard |** 004
High-Elf*Figh |* 001
High-Elf*Heal |** 004
High-Elf*Mage |**** 008
High-Elf*Sorc |** 003
High-Elf*Rang |** 003
High-Elf*Thief|*** 005
Wood-Elf*Bard |** 003
Wood-Elf*Cler |* 001
Wood-Elf*Figh |** 004
Wood-Elf*Heal |* 001
Wood-Elf*Mage |*** 008
Wood-Elf*Rang |****** 012
Wood-Elf*Sorc |** 004
Wood-Elf*Thie |**** 007
+---+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+ More..
0 10 20 30 40 50 60 70 80 90 100 110
LEVEL Bar Graph: Mean of Level by Race
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
5.0 + *****
| ***** *****
4.5 + ***** ***** *****
| ***** ***** ***** *****
4.0 + ***** ***** ***** *****
| ***** ***** ***** *****
3.5 + ***** ***** ***** *****
| ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
3.0 + ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
| ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
2.5 + ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
| ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
2.0 + ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
| ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
1.5 + ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
| ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
1.0 + ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
| ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
0.5 + ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
| ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
0.0 +-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cmmn-Man Dwarf Fair-Elf Half-Elf Halfling High-Elf High-Man Wood-Elf
RACE
It appears we Half-Elves have attained the highest average level, although I
did check my calculations thrice before I was convinced that Halflings have
attained the second highest mean level; thought Pobin and Paboo had fudged.
LEVEL Bar Graph: Mean Level by Profession
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0.0 +----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bard Cleric Fighter Healer Mage Ranger Sorcerer Thief
-25- More...
What?! Look how high these clerics have gotten! Deity-fawning must have its
rewards. But notice how much we mages, bereft of divine assistance, have done.
And look who's last. Yep, Fighters. Too much time in the weight-room.
Table: Mean of Character Fame by Profession and Race
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
|Bard |Cleric |Fighter|Healer |Mage |Ranger |Sorcer |Thief | TOTAL
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+-------+-------
CMan| 1,399| 23,796| 2,757| 3,530| 1,673| 406,287| n/a |173,654|178,834
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+-------+-------
Dwrf|2852,317|234,572|286,970|157,956| n/a| 32,628| n/a | 77,543|294,801
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+-------+-------
FElf| 482,200|642,473| 59,401| 72,906|359,085| 384,303|229,957|500,892|360,465
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+-------+-------
HElf| 311,260|460,981|330,169|298,190|635,400| 701,610| 66,521|363,793|451,956
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+-------+-------
Hlng| 194| 92,081| n/a| n/a|373,709|2532,972|576,561|223,734|435,312
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+-------+-------
HElf| 1,103| n/a| 32,342|497,564| 29,382| 267,634|35,973 | 3,513|113,945
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+-------+-------
HMan| 67,496|376,952|166,757| 71,641|111,591| 129,207| 1,641|955,125|169,927
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+-------+-------
WElf| 4,100| 0.00| 16,988|158,321|358,004| 242,012| 99,503|135,450|183,823
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+-------+-------
TOTAL 314,115|461,510|228,117|207,872|441,498| 494,486|205,641|380,923|352,855
Pie Chart: Mean of Character Fame by Race
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Fair-Elf **********
**** **** Dwarf Fleeting and overrated,
*** * *** how does fame accrue?
** * ** By killing monsters and
** * * ** jumping thru GM hoops!
** * 360465 * ** How 'bout fame for down-
* * 16.47% * 294802 * ing the most flagons at
Half-Elf * * * 13.47% * Helga's?
* * * ** *
** * * ** **
** * * ** **
* * * ** * Common-
** 451957 * * ** 178835 ** Man
** 20.65% * * ** 8.17% **
** * * ** **
** **@************************
** * ** **
** * * ** 183823 ** Wood-Elf
* ** * * *** 8.40% *
** ** * * *** **
* *** * * **** *
** *** * * 169927 * *
**** 435312 * * 7.76% *
* 19.89% *113945* (*
** * 5.21% * ** High-Man
** * ***
Halfling ** * **
*** * ***
*********** ***** High-Elf More...
-26-
Pie Chart: Mean of Character Fame by Profession
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
*********
Fighter ***** **** Cleric "Fame and Fortune? Be
*** * *** a mage," my High-Man
** * * ** father would advise.
** * * 460510 ** Judging by the pre-
* * 228117 * 16.85% * ceding pie chart, the
Healer * * 8.35% * * Fame is true but what
* 207873 * * ** * about fortune? The
* 7.61% * ** ** * only silver I see is
*** * * ** ** in my hair.
* *** * * ** *
** *** * * ** 314155 ** Bard
** *** * * ** 11.49% **
** ***** * *** **
** 441498 **@*********************** Not surprising; Fame
Mage ** 16.15% *** * ** and infamy are but
** ** * * ** flip sides of the
** * * * 380923 ** coin of notoriety.
* ** ** * 13.94% *
* ** * * *
** ** 494586 * * *
** 18.09% *205641* * Thief
** * 7.52% * **
** * ****
Ranger ** * **
*** * ***
**** ****** Sorcerer
**********
Rangers are number one in Character Fame?! I suppose knowing torkaan from
gnome spoor with one sniff is a claims to Fame. But Healers last?! I have
the name of every Healer in town tatooed on my chest. Can't get more famous
than that.
Table: Mean of Family Fame by Profession and Race
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
|Bard |Cleric |Fighter|Healer |Mage |Ranger |Sorcer |Thief | TOTAL
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+--------+-------
CMan| 15,276| 24,413| 6,059| 3,725| 1,673| 419,342| n/a | 179,110|185,286
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+--------+-------
Dwrf|3105,622|649,673|353,443|180,089| n/a| 34,193| n/a | 78,886|379,873
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+--------+-------
FElf| 651,959|684,897|114,641| 84,109|455,853| 474,878|346,144| 616,756|453,225
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+--------+-------
HElf| 334,784|674,707|409,298|345,608|793,878| 762,000|210,344| 431,476|542,496
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+--------+-------
Hlng| 194|880,595| n/a| n/a|639,017|2532,972|785,776| 401,725|656,938
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+--------+-------
HElf| 23,395| n/a| 61,113|503,332| 84,787| 386,503| 35,973| 33,152|152,840
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+--------+-------
HMan| 75,144|382,017|201,018|101,998|117,299| 138,515| 3,552|1271,843|198,628
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+--------+-------
WElf| 4,637| 2,208| 44,109|159,086|554,653| 270,210| 99,746| 238,634|252,520
----+--------+-------+-------+-------+-------+--------+-------+--------+-------
TOTAL 381,857|595,681|285,485|2;7,160|570,356| 544,459|319,272| 471,345|433,451
-27- More...
Pie Charts: Mean of Family Fame by Race
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Fair-Elf **********
**** **** Dwarf Ah, Family fame -- the
*** * *** measure of you and your
** * ** ancestor's mettle. Okay
** * * ** if your great-grandpa
** * 453225 * ** was a fearsome orc-
* * 16.06% * 379873 * basher. Mine was a
Half- * * * 13.46% * fierce librarian.
Elf * * * ** *
** * * ** **
** * * ** **
* * * ** * Common-
** 542497 * * ** 185262 ** Man
** 19.23% * * ** 6.57% **
** * * ** **
** ****@************************
** **** ** **
** *** * ** 252521 ** Wood-
* ** * * *** 8.95% * Elf
** ** * * *** **
* ** * * **** * Egads! Halflings first
* * * * ****** in family fame! Well,
** * * 198628 * maybe that's not so
* 656938 * * 7.04% * surprising. Pobin and
* 23.28% *152840* * Paboo's ancestors are
** * 5.42% * ** High- on display on the
Halfling *** * *** Man Post Office wall.
**** * *** High-
************* ***** Elf
Fighter *********
Mean of Family Fame by Profession ******* **** Cleric
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""** * ***
** * * ***
Healer ** * * 595682 **
* * 285484* 17.49% *
* * 8.38% * *
Mages and Thieves are * 237161 * * ** *
close behind, but * 6.96% * * ** *
--CLERICS-- *** * * ** **
have it by a nose! ** *** * * ** ** Bard
** **** * * *** **
Perhaps I should ** *** * * ** 11.21% **
burn more incense. ** ***** **** **
** 570357 **@***********************
** 16.75% *** ** **
** ** ** **
Mage ** * * * 471346 **
* ** ** * 13.84% *
* ** * * * Thief
* * * * *
* ** 544495 * * *
** 15.99% *319372* *
*** * 9.37% * **
Ranger *** * ***
*** * ***
**** * **** Sorcerer
-29- ***********
The Prying Parsnips
"""""""""""""""""""
_____________ by Miss Louvella Parsnips
/ \ _________ \
\@| ||=|=|=|| |his month our mail- contemplating his offer. Naturally,
| ~~ |_| ~~ | box was full of the we will report every sordid detail
_| |_| | scuttlebutt on some of his performance to you, faithful
/@| _|_|_ | nasty goings-on in reader, in a future column.
\_/__________/ Kelfour's Landing.
Decency seems to have fled Kelfour's
The well-publicized party at the Landing as two mages, a flinty half
House of Argent Aspis was merely an elf fellow and a jazzy fair elf
excuse for dubachery, lewdness, damsel were spotted coming out of
and drunken disorder. We were Threk's Inn, au natural.
horrified to learn of the unseemly
events at this supposedly upright It appears they were enjoying a
organization. steamy rendezvous, when an unlife
uprising put an end to their torrid
It seems that during the course of affair. In the confusion that
the evening, several of Kelfour's followed, a thief made off with
more impetuous maidens latched them- their belongings and both were left
selves in a bedroom to enjoy the un- without a stitch of clothing or
clothed talents of a certain ranger other items and were subsequently
with a definite Spanish accent. thrown out by Threk.
We have learned that this fellow was The strumpet in question ran home in
attempting to refute our comment on unclad disgrace while her beau
his lack of stamina in last month's strutted into the Temple in a vulgar
column by propositioning most, if display of bad manners. A certain
not all, of the ladies present. A lady thief was heard to remark
very betrothed, heronlike lady bard "awfully small, isn't it?" at his
took our Spanish lad up on his offer entrance.
and enjoyed a noisy and prolonged
encounter in one of the bedrooms. A rather strange situation has
developed between Kelfour's favorite
Naturally, her betrothed, a half-elf mad mage and his new wife, a coyote-
thief, was nowhere to be found, faced thief of questionable morals.
having fled to the wilds in a vain Her flagrant dalliances forced him
attempt to save face. to have her swiftly inducted into
the House of the Rising Phoenix, in
Later, the trollop confided that our the hopes that she would be safe
ranger was indeed missing a certain from Kelfour's young swains. (Well,
important something, although he did we said he was mad, didn't we?)
possess a bogus sort of charm. At which point he hurriedly left
town, and was last reported to be
We, of course, do not find him at visiting Lobo Akrash, a healer well
all charming, having ourselves been known for treating mental distress,
propositioned by this odious fellow. and the inventor of a type of treat-
He pleaded that we allow him the ment which we understand is called
opportunity to prove himself to us Lobo Tomy.
behind the latched door at the
Raging Threk Inn. Until next month, gentle reader,
remember to send gossip, chatter and
We find his manner shocking, and are rumors to MISS.SNOOP (via GE Mail)
highly offended that he would even where it will be eagerly reported.
consider such a thing. However, in
the interests of research, we are Happy meddling and tra-la for now!
-30-
[end]
KE:V2N4
See Also: