On the Proper Training of Urchins (essay)
Title: On the Proper Training of Urchins
Author: Lord Silvean Rashere
Circa 06/17/2014
Last year I donated a considerable sum of money to the local urchinage with the understanding that it would be spent on books and that the books, in turn, would be put to some good use. I have yet to see any return on this investment and I place the blame on the shoulders of those provincials comprising the urchinage staff. I do forget their names. I seem to recall a “Molly” among them and perhaps another called “Coddle.”
Already you think me judgmental and cruel because I dare to have standards in a time and place where they have become as rare as a hermaphrodite ki-lin. Bend your ear to the undisciplined mewling of these Wehnimer’s children and consider how long that sort of behavior would be tolerated by the Faendryl. Conjure up the smallest unit of time you can conceive of and summon a wizard because you will need to divide it in two. Ay me! But Wehnimer’s is a magical place where roltons trod on reason and order is subordinate to chaos. I forget this insight because it bends the mind, so maybe it is true that you want your orphans fat of stomach and light of brain. Perhaps you love the idea of some mawkish old woman creeping in upon them like a soft fungus. “Your hardships are over,” goes her syrupy song, “come rest your head on the spotted bosom of ignorance.”
I shudder to think of the future. Your goal must be to funnel these children directly into the warrior’s guild where they will divide their time fairly evenly between being bashed in the head and investigating each other’s smells. What a proud day that will be for their moldering parents!
And so, ever the educator, I will offer sound advice for your urchins: THE THREE Ps.
Persistence
Young people must be taught to apply themselves to a task over and over again until mastery is achieved. They must be made to rise early and scrub their rooms. They must be made to do their lines and recite their declensions hundreds of times each day. They must be shamed openly and often when their attention wanders from the task at hand. The unbridled glory of a Silvean Rashere was not the product of laxity; assure them of this!
Punishment
The soft minds and bodies of children are prone to undisciplined behavior. They must be forged in pain and suffering with the clear understanding that they have brought this upon themselves. A solid caning or lashing is the classic choice. You may prefer the gradual burn of forcing slower students to hold heavy books in their outstretched arms before the class. This punishment instills a visceral sense regarding the burden of knowledge. For the more creative, there are the pain sticks common in Faendryl schools; I would be more than happy to donate a parcel. You will find behavior is improved just by the sight of a pain stick mounted above the chalkboard. I also recommend setting some students above others as monitors or prefects with the authority to punish their lessers. This encourages hate and envy in students, they must come to understand what is required to achieve one’s ambitions.
Prizes
Young students must be made to compete in everything from punctuality to poetry. The finest shall be chosen out and given the opportunity to lord their victory over the inferior mass. As a demonstration of my continuing kindness and concern, a day with Silvean may be offered to the most elite students. They will have the opportunity to dust my library, serve my tea, and muck out the cellar where I summon demons.
Silvean Rashere