Give Me the Strength to Carry On (short story)

The little hamster charged around in circles, bouncing on the white lambs wool carpet energetically. Whenever he ran off too far, Yukito made cajoling noises to draw its attention and waved treats or toys to its interest. He himself lay sprawled out on his side, happy to watch the little ball of fuzz play.

He knew he'd been withdrawn lately. Every time he thought that he had a handle on his feelings, some new angle to explore set everything on its head. It would be a little while before he was truly alright, and maybe it wasn't ideal that he keep pushing it all aside. He was trying to trust in others more, and to share his burdens so that he wouldn't struggle beneath them. What surprised him was that is was that "trust" really was the sticking point. When he thought of it, there wasn't anyone that he trusted with his entire self.

There were some that he felt close to, but he couldn't tell any one person all of his troubles. Most of them would always remain.. within. It was a lonely and sobering thought. Even though he wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to. What was more, even though it made him sad, he felt distant from that reality as if it didn't matter. That part was confusing, but like most things, it was something to puzzle over later.

As he rolled over onto his side, the hamster followed and climbed onto his chest, seeking some of the carrot and cookie bits he had been withholding. Being more stingy with the sweets, he gave the bratty little thing a large chunk of carrot and watched it try to stuff the whole thing into its face. He stroked its back gently with his finger, and it scooted away onto his belly, focusing on its food.

Folding his hands behind his head, he made himself think again over the events at the island. He'd not watched most of Grelana's torture; he just couldn't. He'd come close to begging Socius to just kill her, but he seemed determined to carry out his justice. He could understand the motive, but not the method. He'd wanted to heal her, had even reached out in an effort to ease her pain. He'd been thwarted. Of course. Socius was stronger.

He examined his thoughts of the man. Yukito had felt as though people were treating Socius unfairly because Vlashandra had led him to do the things that he had done in Landing. She had even attempted to be intimate with him under those circumstances. It had made him feel as if perhaps the man deserved some empathy, especially when it was obvious that he looked as if he was trying to retain his calm in a room full of people hurling epithets his way.

Socius' shy smile aligned beside Grelana's cheerful grin in his head, and Yukito sighed. Trust was such a valuable thing. A treasure that can be freely given, or hard won, but once it is lost, difficult or impossible to be attained. Perhaps that was why some people had to steal and take. Without the trust of others, or if a person constantly breaks faith, a person must find other ways to achieve their ends.

His hand dipped into his pocket and pulled free a bracelet of silver stars and lapis beads; almost childish in its simplicity, and he had to admit that he had been much younger when he'd had it fashioned. Each star had a letter engraved on it to make it read, "Brothers by Star's Sure Destiny". A tiny smile kicked up the corner of his mouth.

"Kernn."

The thought of his old friend, a follower of Phoen, brought to mind the tale of Ronan and Sheru. When he'd first heard the tale, he had been shocked and a little ashamed of the Arkati. He'd wondered how a man could abandon his own brother. Yukito had thought that there had to be some way that Ronan could have tried harder to pull Sheru from the path he had chosen, instead of turning to others for comfort.

Now, Yukito understood. He still thought that perhaps Ronan could have done more on his own part, maybe tried harder so that perhaps things didn't get so desperate... but you can't SAVE everyone from the paths that they choose. The sounds of Grelana's screams as Socius tortured her to death solidified that resolve in his mind. There will always be things that we feel need doing, but the way that we choose to do those things define who we choose to be. He didn't disagree on the punishment that had been dealt out, but the method that had been chosen.

He refused live that kind of truth.

The hamster on Yukito's tummy ran and curled up on his shoulder, almost falling off onto the floor. It startled him out of his grim thoughts, and he scooped the tan ball of fuzz into his palm and gave it a careful snuggle and hug.

He wasn't alright, he was a mess inside right now. There was a still a lot that he needed to work out in his head, and there was still SO much work that needed to be done; now and in the future. The world would move forward, and it was clear that there would always be challenges like these that would need to be faced.

Yukito clipped the silver bracelet around his wrist and smiled wistfully as he prepared for bed. Long ago, he'd meant this to be a gift, but for now he would use it to remind him of his path. He would have to choose his family carefully, and give the gift of his trust wisely. He would find people to share his burdens with so that he wouldn't break. Maybe someone that he could trust completely. Until then...

He'd carry on.