Gnome barker

This article is a work in progress!

Name: Koern the merchant

Appearance

You see Koern the Merchant.
He appears to be a Burghal Gnome of the Nylem Bloodline.
He appears to be no longer young and incredibly short.  He has gold-flecked green eyes and ashen skin.  He has receding auburn hair.  He has an angular face, an upturned nose and a birth mark.
He has a penguin chick tattoo on his arm.
He is wearing some polar bear fur boots, a long walrus hide parka, a red rolton's wool muffler, and some wool-lined grey leather pants.

Questions

Service

>ask barker about service
The barker says,  "I don't really provide a service...I just oversee the use of this 'ere contraption," the gnome says with a smile.  "If you're interested in cones, or snow, or prices, or the contraption, or the various flavors that are available, you'll need to be a little more specific, friend!"

>ask barker about cones
The gnome smiles broadly as he says, "I sell only the finest waffle cones, baked from wheat flour that's been generously flavored with molasses and sweetened with honey! They're a steal at 200 silvers!  Just push the lever on that 'ere contraption to try one for yourself!"

>ask barker about snow
The barker glances down, as if taking a sudden interest in the condition of his shoes.  When he looks up, his features are arranged in an expression of perfect candor.  "I know what you're thinking," he says in a confidential tone.  "'He's got a lot of nerve, selling snow on a glacier!'  Well, you might be right about the nerve, but not about the snow!  This is the finest snow you've ever seen!  Cut from the heart of the glacier, my ice is shaved to a fine powder while you wait...just perfect for soaking up the flavor of your choice!"

>ask barker about prices
The barker smiles at your question.  "Cheap, cheaper, and cheapest!  I'm asking a mere 200 silvers  for the cones, 50 for the snow, and 200 for the flavoring.  But in your case, I might drop the price just a bit," he says, winking broadly.

>ask barker about contraption
The barker beams broadly as he points out the features of the machine at his side.  "Ya gotcher wheel, fer picking flavors.  You can ask me fer specific flavors if you're lazy, but most folks just turn the wheel, or spin it to get a random taste.  Then ya gotcher lever.  Push it fer a cone, pull it fer snow.  Last but hardly least, ya gotcher button.  Each firm press'll give you some a dose of flavor for your cone!["]

>ask barker about directions
The gnome barker looks baffled.  "Where do you want to go?"  When your eyes indicate the contraption, he chuckles.  "Whoops, sorry!  There's a handy sign right there for you to read...or your could just push the lever, pull the lever, and push the button just as quick!  Oh, and before push the button, use the wheel to find a flavor you like!"

>ask barker about wheel
The gnome barker indicates the massive wheel.  "Sixty some-odd flavors up there!  If you turn the wheel, you'll see them one by one.  Give it a spin, and you'll get a random selection!  Push the button quick, or someone else might spin again.  If you know what flavor you want, just ask me for it, and I'll set the wheel myself.  Might call you a lazy oaf, but that's a small price to pay!"

>ask barker about lever
The gnome barker makes a fist and moves it forward, then back.  "This here's what you call a double-action lever.  Push it forward to get a cone, and pull it backward to fill your cone with shaved ice!"

>as barker about button
The gnome barker makes a jabbing motion with one finger.  "Easy, easy!  The youngest Paradis child can figure this one out!  The button releases the flavorings, so make sure you have a cone full of snow in hand!  Oh, and make sure the wheel is set to something you like.  You can reflavor your snow, but like any second chance in life, it’s not quite free!"

Flavors

>ask barker about flavors
The gnome's eyes gleam as he smiles from ear to ear.  "Interested in flavors?  I've got 'em!  I've got every berry known to the Truefolk, as well as fruits common and rare!  I also have some rare varieties...what you might call yer acquired tastes!  Or did you mean to ask about something specific, like berries, fruits, or varieties?"

Berries

>ask barker about berries
The gnome barker looks you over, paying particular attention to your feet.  He shrugs, and mutters something about how it takes all kinds of customers to make a living.  "Berries?" he asks.  "Of course I have berries.  I have every kind of berry known to halfling-kind!  I have blue raspberry, blackberry, grumbleberry, iceberry, loganberry, lingonberry, mulberry, raspberry, rowanberry, strawberry, snowberry, thornberry, teaberry, winterberry, and the ever popular mixed berry!"

>ask barker about blue raspberry
The gnome barker wrinkles his nose.  "The juice of an underripe raspberry.  Not for the faint of heart!"

>ask barker about raspberry
The gnome barker nods enthusiastically.  "Raspberry?  Sure, we have raspberry!  More rasp than berry, if you ask me...which, come to think of it, ya just did!"

>ask barker about blueberry
The gnome barker shrugs, then grins.  "Not my favorite, but I'm not the one about to spend good silver on snow."

>ask barker about blackberry
The gnome barker nods unenthusiastically.  "Tastes like blackberries should, if taste blackberries you must."

>ask barker about bearberry
The gnome barker blinks with surprise.  "Did I hear you correctly?  This is a food fit only fer bears, and folks furry enough to pass fer one."

>ask barker about bilberry
The gnome barker shrugs.  "These, I get from some giantkin traders.  I don't find the flavor to my liking, but the Wsalamir seem to thrive on 'em!"

>ask barker about cranberry
The gnome barker laughs outright.  "I like my poison to work a little quicker, myself.  But go ahead and try it.  Don't let my tastes determine yours!"

>ask barker about cloudberry
The gnome barker waggles his fingers and puckers his lips to make a blowing sound.  "Starts off soft, like one of those fluffy bunny clouds of a clear, blue summer sky!"  He frowns.  "But sometimes finishes like a focused maelstrom!"

>ask barker about elderberry
The gnome barker smirks.  "Sometimes, when elderberries are hard to come by, I just mix together what berries I have in stock that're getting a little...elder, if you take my meaning.  Nobody seems to notice!"

>ask barker about huckleberry
The gnome barker smacks his lips dramatically.  "To die for!  But, then again, are you really in a hurry?"

>ask barker about gooseberry
The gnome barker makes a quiet sound that might be honk.  "Terribly cold," he mumbles.  "Goosebery, you ask?  A piquant flavor, popular among the gentry!  Try some!"

>ask barker about grumbleberry
The gnome barker grumbles.  "Not our best seller, tell you the truth.  It sells best among dwarves and dark elves."

>ask barker about iceberry
The gnome barker nods as if anticipating your question.  "Lots of folks ask whether these have healing properties, like them tarts the old lady bakes.  I have none of her talents, magical or culinary, I'm afraid!"

>ask barker about loganberry
The gnome barker grunts noncommittally.  "Tastes like lingonberry, only decidedly more so!"

>ask barker about lingonberry
The gnome barker grunts ambiguously.  "Tastes like loganberry, only decidedly less so!"

>ask barker about mulberry
The gnome barker looks up in surprise.  "Never tasted a mulberry?  It tastes like expectation prolonged into sweet agony."

>ask barker about rowanberry
The gnome barker blinks twice.  "We have rowanberry?  News to me!"

>ask barker about strawberry
The gnome barker sticks his hands in his pockets.  "I could talk about strawberries for hours on end.  But you don't really need me to, do you?  Just order some and you'll see how good it tastes!"

>ask barker about snowberry
The gnome barker rocks back on his heels.  "A local delicacy, the snowberry!  The Paradis like to say, 'If death comes to you while you're eating a snowberry, Lorminstra will greet you with a kiss!'"

>ask barker about thornberry
The gnome barker steps back a pace, eyeing you suspiciously.  "I'll give you a bit of space, friend, if you don't mind.  The Paradis like to say that those who eat the thornberry are Zelia's own children.  But the local deputy is partial to this flavor, and for all I know you're working for him!"

>ask barker about teaberry
The gnome barker grins.  "I've heard lots of stories 'bout this berry over the years!  The one I like best says it was named fer Thurfel, on account of the hint of fiery spice in it.  But truth be told, I think it's just a flavor that, added to a bite of toast, makes a cup of tea a greater pleasure than without."

>ask barker about winterberry
The gnome barker smiles brightly.  "This flavor get my unqualified endorsement!  It tastes like, like..."  He hesitates for a moment as he searches for exactly the right words.  "It tastes like freedom!  It tastes like vindication!  It tastes like telling the deputy a thing or two!"  The gnome barker has more to say on the subject, but his meaning is quickly lost as his rant turns into a primal snarl.

>ask barker about mixed berry
The gnome barker giggles.  "Strangely enough, mixed berry tastes a lot like grape!"

Fruits

>ask barker about fruits
The gnome barker smiles broadly.  "Fruits?  We have a pretty wide selection!  We have fig, apricot, persimmon, kumquat, avocado, black cherry, mango, passion fruit, green apple, apple, banana, grape, honeydew melon, kiwi, lemon, lime, orange, peach, pineapple, watermelon, cantalope, pomegranate, star fruit, tangerine."  He pauses for breath, wheezing audibly.  "Papaya, plum, and guava.  Which will it be?"

>ask barker about fig
The gnome barker winces.  "Acquired taste, the fig.  It's an exotic, grows down south.  I like them smothered in honey, but straight up?  You're braver than I am!"

>ask barker about apricot
The gnome barker gazes up at the sky, a wistful expression on his face.  "Tastes like Imaera's last kiss, before she yields to the lonely cold of winter."

>ask barker about persimmon
The gnome barker bows slightly.  "I recognize a gourmand when I see one!  The persimmon tastes like a sweet combination of pumpkin, plum, and honey."

>ask barker about kumquat
The gnome barker chuckles.  "With such a silly name, you just know it has to taste good!  It's a unique blend of sweet and sour...give it a try!"

>ask barker about avocado
The gnome barker scratches his head.  "I heard a funny story one time, 'bout how a crocodile ate this pear that Phoen had his eye on.  The arkati reached inside and plucked it out, but the croc's stomach juices changed the color, taste, and texture!  Now, if that hasn't turned you off avocados, go ahead and try the flavor on some snow!"

>ask barker about cherry
The gnome barker nods enthusiastically.  "Now we're talking!  The blackest, sweetest, cherriest cherries around, ground down to their juices and smothering snow!"

>ask barker about mango
The gnome barker leans back and scratches his belly.  "Ah, yes...the mango!  Sunset-colored fruit, a taste like honey with a slightly acidic finish.  Paradise in a cone, I tell you!"

>ask barker about passion fruit
The gnome barker winks.  "Don't let the name fool you...let it fool your partner!"

>ask barker about green apple
The gnome barker wrinkles his mouth, then smacks it open.  "The very soul of sour."

>ask barker about apple
The gnome barker breaks out in a reminiscent smile.  "Apple snowcones remind me of crisp autumn evenings, bundled up in rolton's wool, picking up leaves and the odd abandoned apple from my host-family's yard."

>ask barker about banana
The gnome barker winks and says, "I only like the peels, myself."

>ask barker about grape
The gnome barker grumbles.  "The wife likes them peeled.  Do I look like the kind of gnome who peels grapes?"  He sighs, "I miss my wife."

>ask barker about honeydew melon
The gnome barker says, "Like the name says, its juice tastes like honey mixed with dew!  Personally, I like it for the pale green hue."

>ask barker about kiwi
The gnome barker grins out of the sides of his mouth.  "Do you know what I love about a kiwi?  It doesn't look like much on the outside, and then the inside is a fabulous treat!  I admire that kind of deception."

>ask barker about lemon
The gnome barker screws up his nose.  "Worst flavor since lime!"

>ask barker about lime
The gnome barker screws up his nose.  "Worst flavor since lemon!"

>ask barker about orange
The gnome barker coughs.  "I can always tell when a cold is coming on: I start a'hankering for orange flavored snow!

>ask barker about peach
The gnome barker asks, "Is there a flavor that better represents the blessing of summer and sun?"

>ask barker about pineapple
The gnome barker laughs.  "Had a dwarf here the other day, complaining. 'I've tasted apple,' says he, 'and I've tasted pine!  And this here don't taste nothing like 'em!"

>ask barker about watermelon
The gnome barker says, "Don't let the name fool you.  If water tasted this good, no one would pay for a snow cone!"

>ask barker about cantaloupe
The gnome barker wistfully replies, "The golden flesh of this melon holds nectar sweet as the first blush of young love!"

>ask barker about pomegranate
The gnome barker squirms visibly.  "Can't stand them, myself.  It's a seed thing."

>ask barker about star fruit
The gnome barker grins.  "Had a Winedotter gnome offer to read my stars one time.  We didn't have any starstones handy, so we cut open some fruit.  Worked like a charm, too!"

>ask barker about tangerine
The gnome barker sighs fulsomely.  "I remember my first taste of tangerine.  And so, too, will you!"

>ask barker about papaya
The gnome barker gazes off into the distance.  "You can almost see the palm trees bending in the ocean breeze, feel the soft caress of the sun, even through the biting cold of the snow.  Fabulous!"

>ask barker about plum
The gnome barker looks confused.  "Plums?  They taste like nothing else.  Well, ok, they taste like prunes, only wetter.  That help?"

>ask barker about guava
The gnome barker says, "With its crisp flesh and sweet taste, the guava is a popular treat down south!  Try it and see what you've been missing!"

Varieties

>ask barker about varieties
The gnome barker says, "This here is what I call the flavors that aren't fruits and berries.  We have snow flavored snow, of course, but also almond, peanut, walrus blubber, elk fat, spiced torban, caramel, chocolate, vanilla, peppermint, spearmint, mint, rootbeer, rum, whiskey, coffee, cinnamon, dill pickle, eggnog, and spicy pepper!"

>ask barker about almond
The gnome barker perks up.  "A noble flavoring for snow!  Unexpectedly rich, with a lovely and lingering aftertastes."

>ask barker about peanut
The gnome barker nods enthusiastically.  "Not the first thing you might think of as a flavoring for snow, but really quite delicious!"

>ask barker about walrus blubber
The gnome barker blanches.  "Local delicacy.  Don't ask me to describe it!"

>ask barker about elk fat
The gnome barker gibbers, "Forgot to wash my hands one day after handling the stuff.  Got a mouthful by whatcha call accident!"  He shivers.  "I only hope I live long enough to forget it!"

>ask barker about spiced torban
The gnome barker says, "You know, for a medicinal compound it ain't half bad!"

>ask barker about caramel
The gnome barker says, "My only worry is running out of the stuff.  Delicious!"

>ask barker about coffee
The gnome barker yawns.  "Tired?  Me, too.  But this will perk you right up!"

>ask barker about cinnamon
The gnome barker sniffs at the air.  "Can't you smell it?  Rich, spicy, and cold!"

>ask barker about dill pickle
The gnome barker crosses his arms in front of his chest.  "I wouldn't touch the stuff.  But a friend owed me a debt, and this was the only way he could pay it off.  Supposedly made by some Hummph concern, down in the human empire."  He shrugs.

>ask barker about eggnog
The gnome barker nods.  "Paradis winter treat.  Eggs, spices, and a little toot.  Can't be beat, though it is a bit rich."

>ask barker about spicy pepper
The gnome barker nods.  "Halfling favorite, from back in the Shirelands.  It makes an interesting contrast with the cool glacial ice!"

>ask barker about chocolate
The gnome barker asks, "What could you need to know?  A classic!"

>ask barker about vanilla
The gnome barker asks, "I've heard this flavoring denigrated as nothing special.  Whoever started that rumor never had *my* vanilla!"

>ask barker about peppermint
The gnome barker nods and says, "It's a little like mint, and little like pepper, but exactly like neither."  He scratches his head and shrugs, muttering, "...if that makes sense."

>ask barker about mint
The gnome barker all but drools.  "A pure sprig of mint, infused into pure water poured over pure glacial snow: the very essence of cold!"

>ask barker about spearmint
The gnome barker tilts his hand from side to side.  "Not the best of the mints, to my taste, anyway."

>ask barker about root beer
The gnome barker nods sagely.  "I've tried other kinds of beer on snow, and it just doesn't work.  But this stuff?  Delightful!"

>ask barker about rum
The gnome barker scratches at the ground with his toe.  "Ok, truth is, I couldn't bring myself to use real rum.  So I extracted the flavor and used that.  You can eat as much rum snow as you'd like!"

>ask barker about whiskey
The gnome barker grins and says, "I was having trouble marketing snow to dwarfs 'til I hit on this notion.  Now I can't keep it in stock!"

People

>ask barker about people
The gnome glances over with a look of interest.  "I know lots of people!  Are you asking generically about members of the various races?  Or about my neighbors in Icemule Trace?"

>ask barker about halflings
The gnome barker tilts his hand from side to side.  "Outside of the whole foot hair issue, I reckon they're like most folks:  a mix of good and bad."

Gnomes

>ask barker about gnomes
What kind of gnomes are you interested in?  Withycombe, Winedotter, Aledotter, Nylem, Vylem, Neimhean, Basingstoke, Greengair, Wendwillow, Rosengift, Felcour, or Angstholm?

>ask barker about withycombe
The gnome barker glances up at you.  "Withycombe?  They're the oldest of the burghal bloodlines!  The first to leave the forests for the Kannalan Empire.  And still the most ingenious of the gnomes, in my opinion!"

>ask barker about winedotter
The gnome barker smiles up at you.  "If you like wine, these are the gnomes to know!  Master winemakers, and the best servants in all the world!"

>ask barker about aledotter
The gnome barker winks at you.  "Keep a hold on your purse around those gnomes!  They might not steal it from you, but I never met an Aledotter who didn't have a dozen schemes for making you want to hand him your coins!"

>ask barker about nylem
The gnome barker grins.  "Merry pranksters, the Nylem.  A zany laugh riot, every one!"

>ask barker about vylem
The gnome barker takes a step back.  "Vylem?  They're...well, they're vile!  No sense of humor.  Everything is the queen this, and Eorgina that.  Please!"

>ask barker about neimhean
The gnome barker makes a dismissive sign.  "I've heard the stories, sure.  But frankly, I think they're a story invented to scare burghal children who don't do what they're parents tell them to do!"

>ask barker about basingstoke
The gnome barker smiles proudly.  "The most ancient of the forest bloodlines.  The Basingstokes are a little stuffy, but to give honor where it's due they very authentically gnomish lives."

>ask barker about greengair
The gnome barker nods sagely.  "A wonderful people, the Greengair.  You haven't lived 'til you've tried their cooking!  Unless you're a carnivore, of course."

>ask barker about wendwillow
The gnome barker says, "The Wendwillow are a very fine bloodline.  They do wonderful work with the environment, but all that wandering has to take it out of them!"

>ask barker about rosengift
The gnome barker scowls.  "Rosengift gnomes?  Filthy poisoners!"

>ask barker about felcour
The gnome barker says, "The Felcour are a rough and tumble bunch of gnomes.  They're a people of great honor, too."

>ask barker about angstholm
The gnome barker rubs his chin.  "Angstholm?  Everything I've heard I've liked, but one rarely hears a thing about the Angstholm gnomes!"

Neighbors

>ask barker about sniffberry
The gnome barker rubs his chin thoughtfully.  "Have you heard the stories about that fellow?  Well, far be it from me to gossip...but you might want to ask yourself why a shop called 'Bumblefinger's Pawnshop' isn't run by Bumblefinger himself!"

>ask barker about old halfling
The gnome barker guffaws.  "I have only one thing to say about that fellow: 'Genius!'  I need silver to feed the birds...it's just too rich!"

>ask barker about wizard
The gnome barker asks, "Do you think the longsword serves as compensation for the broken wand?"

>ask barker about deputy
The gnome barker snarls, "Well, you believe what you want to believe.  Far be it from me to tell you what to think about the man.  I'll just say this and let it go: If I were a person with pull in this town, guess who'd be first on the list when the job of berry stomper came open?!"

>ask barker about forlorn abbess
The gnome barker frowns unsympathetically.  "That old crackpot?  If I walked around telling a story like hers, throwing myself on the mercy of the town, do you know what would happen?  Two words:  Icewall Penitentiary!!"

>ask barker about penguin chick
The gnome barker chuckles wryly.  "I have three young ones at home, myself.  But do I let them run the streets, begging from strangers?  Of course not!"

>ask barker about snowbird
The gnome barker smiles fondly.  "With a sauce made from those spicy peppers, not half bad!"

>ask barker about messenger
The gnome barker winces noticeably.  "It's nothing personal, you understand?  Big feet, small toes.  Get the idea?"

Ambient Messaging

The gnome barker shouts, "Koern's Cones!  Koern's Cones!  Finest in all the lands!"

The gnome barker shouts, "Snoooooooooooooow Cones!"

A gnome barker bows to the assembly.  "Welcome, patrons, one and all!  Had a cone?  Have another!  Buy one for yourself and one for your mother!"

A gnome barker says, "Interested in a snowcone?  Just read the sign for instructions."

A gnome barker jingles a few loose coins in his pocket.

A gnome barker belts out, "Plum lovers!  Get your plum-flavored snowcones here!"

A gnome barker scans the area in search of his next customer.

The gnome barker stamps his feet to keep them from freezing.

The gnome barker putters around with a gnomish contraption.  He pushes the button, sending a small stream of almond-flavored liquid to the ground.

A gnome barker leans over and whispers to you, "Have you seen the local law lately?"

The gnome barker mutters something about justice.  You also catch a word that sounds suspiciously like "myth."

A gnome barker gives an enormous multicolored wheel a mighty spin!  "Around she goes, and where she stops..."  The wheel comes to a sudden stop at mango.  The gnome barker chuckles and says, "Gotta work on my timing!"

A gnome barker rubs his hands together.  "Today is a good day for a cold treat!  But then again...what day isn't?"

The gnome barker rocks back on his heels and shouts, "While ice is nice, there's no snow like my snow!"

The gnome barker rubs his chin, then recites:

     To a polar bear, it's a warm bed at night.
     To Paradis of old, a terrible plight!
     Like the shield of lord Voln, it's the purest of white.
     But in one of my cones, it's a simple delight!

The gnome barker calls out, "Times up, folks!  I'm moving on to a new location!"
He pushes a few buttons and pulls a few levers, and then wheels the contraption off in the direction of North Road.