Gnomish Limericks (poetry)
Title: Gnomish Limericks
Author: Starchitin Elfpeer
Written and performed by the gnome Starchitin Elfpeer, the sole purpose of these limericks are to annoy. Not being a bard, or any other type of performer unless it serves to annoy, his limericks are not always the best written.
The Original
His first limerick was written upon his return to River's Restfrom the town of Solhaven, he wished to express his disgust with the town and poke fun at its residents.
Lyrics of the Original
"There once was a fellow from Sol Haven
He fell in love with a black raven
Till one bloody morn
his manhood was shorn
By the beak of his beloved."
Reception
Seeing the looks of disgust on the faces of the adventurers he sang his creation for delighted the little gnome to no end, causing him to sing it to any he could get to stay in one place long enough to hear it.
Number Two
The first may very well have been the last if not for a trouble maker coming to town and causing the locals seemingly unending grief. The little gnome couldn't resist creating a little ditty to sing behind the troublemaker's back and amuse himself and others. When one day the troublemaker wandered in and heard the limerick, his reaction taught Starchitin a valuable (to him anyway) lesson; limericks can be used to annoy much better when they're about the listener.
Lyrics of Number Two
"There once was a fellow named ####ner
he went and tried on a bostier
he pulled it too tight
it was such a freight
he suddenly looked like a rapier!"
(note: name obscured to protect the guilty)
The Following
After learning the power of limericks to aggravate and annoy, he immediately started writing more about whoever happened to be around. In the process, inadvertently reveling that he had a much larger vocabulary then any would think a gnome capable of.
Number Three
"There once was a chick named Meirit
she looked a lot like a ferret
one day she did squeal
after Maelkyth had a feel
because she had bared it"
Number Four
"There once was a fellow named Maelkyth
he had a troublsome engastrimyth
so he made up a noose
but it was loose
and so there is no epimyth"
Number Five
"Once there was a guy named Urisk
He was watching Llauruna perform burlisque
when she bent over
he'd found his new lover
good thing he's not got a skerrick"
New Development
After a while he also started memorializing important events and lost residents in his limericks. Especially if those events were embarrassing to the subjects. He delighted in his writing to no end, immortalizing many residents in gnomish mischief.
Ode to Grandsome
"There once was a thief named Grandsome
he wasn't anywhere near handsome
he ran accross a monkey
then things got all funky
the beast killed him and asked for a ransom"
Ode to WidleBeest
"There was once a locksmith named 'Beest
He was nowhere near being the least
he picked lots of boxes
and outsmarted the foxes
Till one day they gave him a big feast"
Popularity
After a while, some locals in River's Rest started to think it somewhat of an honor to have a limerick written about them by the troublesome gnome. Being pests to the pest, they badgered him into reluctantly creating limericks about them.
Forced the First
"There once was a munchkin named Bumples
He had a brother named Scrumples
He found a dark elf
and he thought to himself
"I'd date her but I'd end up with the Mumples."
Forced the Second
"There once was a goddess named Kalanira
She was married to a halfling with progeria
She wished him to be well
So she cast him a spell
Now he thinks he's married to Salanira"
Continuing
As the years have progressed, the gnome has created many other limericks. A selection of which are included below, some are not included because they are SO horrible they should be allowed to fade from history, others because there simply is not enough space for all of them.
Last One
"There is an empath named Bijou
the gnomes she would heal were quite few
Till one came aroun
and swept her arse down
and said 'Heal me or you'll turn blue'"
Last Two
"There once was a harpy named Godyva
She sure had a lot of saliva
she spit on a troll
and knocked it out coll
can annathing possibly survive'ha?"
Last Three
"There was a cleric in the Rest
he thought he was the best
till he picked a lock
and was knocked off his block
who would have ever gest"
Last Four
"Conlin the giant
wasn't very self reliant
buryed by a wight
it was such a fright
now he's so much more pliant!"
Last Five
"There once was a sorcerer named Marclar
he sure had a lota hair
it went this way and that
so not even a hat
could tame that great hairy bear"
Last Six
"There's a ranger named Katrian
she lived inside a latrian
she picked a box
and it gave her the pox
now she's much more serene"
Last and Final
"Apoc was a great picker
there was naeone quicker
till he found a boomer
it was a big doomer
now he's the picker with liquer!"
Conclusion
While the little troublesome gnome has started traveling more outside of town, he's always on the lookout for new subjects for his awefull art. Those that run into him should beware or they may end up the subject of the first limerick he writes outside the Rest.