Leafiara (prime)/Saraphenia/Leafi and Her Muse on Phenia and Her Muse (Celebration of Life Sendoff)

Foreword: An IC Purist Opens Up

I'd been prepared in case I needed to bear the entire weight of Saraphenia's celebration of life event on my own. On that night, I joked that I could have gone for half an hour, but the truth is I could have gone far longer if I needed. I wrote what I'd say and put it through five drafts--each one painstakingly and tearfully put together over the course of three weeks, each one featuring all the meticulous attention to detail anyone would expect from my analytical self, all the creativity and structure anyone would expect from my education in writing, and all the love, grief, and bittersweet remembrance anyone would expect from my heart.

Even though I decided to wing it that night, I won't falsely claim that I tossed everything I'd already written out the window. Some of that material instead found its way into the keepsake leaflet. Some of that material I'd already reviewed so many times that it came back to me even while winging it. Virtually all of that material, of course, is what you'll find on this page.

Before I get to that, though, I'm glad I held off.

Some people chose to pay their respects and give their tributes in a semi-OOC or even entirely OOC fashion, which I can understand and sympathize with given the emotional weight of the night and the challenges of sharing stories about a player who had many characters with which she engaged the community. I, however, was set on being as close to remaining in character as possible. The closest I came to breaking that was when Leafi referenced Phenia having moved on to a realm beyond dreams and imagination, which is both Leafi's belief and mine with no regard given to what, if anything, in-game lore around the Ebon Gate might say.

I'm not a very OOC-oriented player. I typically don't engage well at all player to player. I'm no particular fan of Discord and even OOC meetings held in-game make me feel uncomfortable at times. When I do attend those OOC meetings, I usually stay in character anyway. When I run my own OOC events as a mentor, I also play a character, albeit a fourth-wall-breaking one who can grab wiki links.

Leafiara is not me, has never been me, and is almost nothing like me. She's a byproduct of my creativity, but I play GemStone as a game, a space where we have fun and we escape for a moment or several.

Saraphenia's player, however, told me a few times over the years that her character was her own personality. If that's true--and the glimpses I know of her player's life leave me every reason to believe so--then an amazing soul has transitioned from our world to the world beyond us.

It's one thing for a person to be friendly when they're approached, but it's another and a greater thing for a person to be friendly when they're approaching. Anyone can do the former, potentially even without meaning it, but the latter was Saraphenia's player to the core: someone who not only invited people to come to her, though she did a great deal of that too, but who also went to meet people where they were.

This is the kind of message I couldn't share and the kind of story I couldn't tell you if I had kept my sendoff to Phenia entirely in character, so I'm glad I held off. Now, in my sixth and final draft, I'll instead rewrite my words from an OOC perspective so I can interweave more of her player's OOC story, as is only fitting.

On to those tales.

Reckoning with Mortality

During Phenia's celebration of life, several people whispered to Leafi and me that they didn't know how we held it together to host. If there's anything I might regret not including when I decided to wing it, it's the answer to that question, which I'd intended to start the night with.

I don't know if Leafi or I would have had the strength for the night if not for what Phenia said to her two days before their vow renewal--and just thirty days before she left us. She said:

I hate to say that I still have my insecurities...but I do at times. But then you come in and pick me up...you are so much more than I could have ever hoped for in my life. If I were to go beyond the Gate tonight, I would go content in the fact that I was the most loved creature in creation.

Had she not said that, and had it not been so recent and so fresh in memory, then Leafi and I might have drowned in despair. Again, that was two days before their vow renewal, which she'd been greatly looking forward to for many months--so I feel confident that she meant it.

Saraphenia's player had many brushes with death and overcame many brushes with death before the final one. Without going into full details on each, there was a very possible world in which Leafi and Phenia never married, an extremely possible world in which they never made it to their first anniversary, and a possible world in which they never made it to their second anniversary. It was actually the night of Elbromo's memorial--March 11, 2022--that Phenia realized the urgency of she and Leafi marrying while there was time--because there had been a medical issue that could have resulted in her player passing away by then if they hadn't caught it early.

Obviously, it wasn't without reason that Phenia spoke every so often about how she wanted to be remembered or what would happen if she passed into eternity. I always just told her and her player that there were many years to come and that she'd be okay and get through everything. I tried to focus on the positive, maybe because I believed that she had better odds of overcoming if she did the same, but I regret not also saying that she'd be okay even if she didn't get through everything. I wish I'd shared that thought with her, but I'd like to think that Phenia's player believed it anyway even if the character didn't.

Sowing Seeds

When Phenia said she'd go content because she was the most loved creature in creation, she spoke as if it were all Leafi's doing. She'd said similar things for at least two years, but Leafi never agreed. Phenia didn't have her help building up the Raise Your Stout Krew, didn't have her help running for Frost Queen, didn't have her help running for the Town Council, and didn't even have her help meeting new friends.

Meeting new friends went the other way, in fact. While writing all this material for her celebration of life, I went back through two years of old memories to look for any meaningful quotes and I found 33 instances of Phenia introducing Leafi to someone she might otherwise never have met.

Leafiara met Buphie, Petroff, Abilene, Taeffryl, Kesslyn, Loxaliss, Asophiel, Hanleigh, Daratrine, Junne, Anyauma, Jaydo, Aphaedra, Nyusha, Aryila, Syrelia, Faereni, Domshella, Tamranessa, Vanessa, Drooke, Ilyanial, Quyin, Ketsimney, Loche, Saesyra, Azaeri, Varsric, Velasse, Brookshire, Sythana, Omahice, and Ephah all because Saraphenia wanted her to. It's not as if Leafi is some obscure character who rarely interacts with anyone; she's just the opposite with a wide social circle of acquaintances, but Phenia did so much more legwork.

This is all only scratching the surface, as well. I'm only counting the one-on-one or, at most, one-on-four meetings at a table or in a premium home--because those were the easiest to verify. If I were to extend to the many people Leafi met in the Rusty Cutlass because of Phenia and her RYSK meetings, then the number would grow beyond what I'd even like to consider.

Truthfully, there were times that Leafi and I weren't in the mood to meet someone and got a little grumpy about it. We were and are a lot more selfish than Phenia and her player. Still, what we wouldn't give to hear Phenia's excitement again over the latest new person she'd met.

Leafi and I never understood how she did it. Sometimes Leafiara asked how Phenia found all these people and she would just say she was observant, looked around, and spotted adventurers who seemed new. Leafi and I tried looking around occasionally, but we must not have her technique since we never found them.

We wish we'd dug deeper, we wish we'd asked more, and we wish we learned how she made so much out of so little time--although part of us thinks she could never have explained something that came so intuitively and naturally to her. Leafi and I wish we knew her secret, if she even had one. What we do know, though, is that whenever someone looks at RYSK ballooning up to two hundred members in record time and asks how, Saraphenia and kindred spirits like her are the answer.

Leafi often told Phenia how proud of her she was in all these endeavors--RYSK, Frost Queen, Town Council--and told her that she was so much stronger, more capable, and a bigger difference than she even realized. Even then, Phenia insisted she wouldn't have had the confidence to do those things if Leafi hadn't stood behind her and built up her confidence.

I'm reluctant to accept that. Phenia approached Leafi rather than the other way around, so, to Leafi and me, Saraphenia's accomplishments all came back to her own strengths. However, she never, ever wavered from that claim in the many conversations she and Leafi had, so I'm obligated to acknowledge that.

Whether Phenia's strengths needed nurturing, as she believed, or whether she already had everything within her, as Leafi believed, she passed into eternity content and considered herself the most loved creature in creation because she sowed seeds of love that eventually grew and came back to her. Leafi's romantic love, my love as a friend, the community love as friends, and the outpouring from all of us was and is a reflection of what Phenia gave us.

Emotionally Expressive

Phenia simply did things. She loved life, and so she lived--authentically, genuinely, and, as Severine put it at her celebration of life, fearlessly. Social cues that stay most people's hands very rarely stayed Phenia's.

If she felt happy, often she'd blurt out that she felt happy. Other times, like I said at her celebration, she'd just blurt out "Yay!", which was one of her favorite words. When Phenia was overwhelmed with happiness, she'd burst into tears of joy. Like with "Yay," which Leafi and I heard from her more than we heard from everyone else we've known, we saw her tears of joy more than everyone else we've ever known. Leafi had never seen them, so she mistook them for tears of sorrow several times before she got the hang of knowing for certain whether her tears were happy or sad.

When there was reason to celebrate a friend in the square, Saraphenia would invite everyone in the vicinity with a yell and invite everyone far away by sending her thoughts to the world. If she felt like giving someone a hug or a kiss, she did it. If she wanted to dance, she'd dance. If she wanted to sing, she'd sing. She danced and she sang for a single friend, a crowded room, or even just for herself and artistry's own sake.

She burned radiant and bright.

Of course, no one's always joyous, but Phenia was no less expressive in those times. If she felt sad, often she'd blurt out that she felt sad. Other times, she'd just sigh or slump. If she needed to cry tears of sorrow, she cried them. If she was angry or frustrated, she'd show fire. Maybe once a year or so, something would make her angry enough to punch something.

Far more often, though, when she was struggling, she just needed to hold Leafi close and cling so tight that she believed Phenia would never let go. Leafi and I sort of wish she never had let go, but, in a way, she didn't and she never will.

Beautifully Needy

Phenia simply did things. She loved life, and so she lived--authentically, genuinely, and, as Severine put it at her celebration of life, fearlessly. Social cues that stay most people's hands very rarely stayed Phenia's.

(I have a point in repeating myself.)

Leafi and I found her strange at first, probably because--yep, that's right--she was strange. Leafi kept her at a slight distance for the first couple of years because of that: still friendly, still welcoming, but nothing deep. She was a curiosity, being fun, silly, and odd.

How many people does anyone know who almost always make it abundantly obvious what they're feeling? I'm not saying Phenia was an open book on everything; nobody is, because the constraint of time alone ensures that nobody will communicate everything on their heart and mind. Still, even broadly speaking, most people are at least a little bit guarded or will keep some emotions to themselves. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but Phenia wasn't afraid to show emotional vulnerability because she always wanted to be part of everyone's life and for them to be part of hers.

This extended outside of the game too. I started saving things Saraphenia's player had said on Discord and one jumped out from the RYSK server:

Saraphenia: Aelotoi of Love — 10/04/2023 12:04 PM
I was just looking at the members list and I realized that there is at least 50 or 60 members I've never met at all. That's not good!

I reviewed the most recent list back then and I'd say that, depending on the definition of meeting someone, it had 82 to 101 members I've never met even now on June 1, 2024, never mind back then. It's so illustrative of this player, who met so many more than me, with so much less time in game than me, and yet felt that she needed to meet more.

All of this has its drawbacks, though, and I'm bringing them up because Phenia told Leafi she wanted her--and, I believe, me and all of us--to remember her in every aspect: good, bad, and ugly. And I believe she's correct; her story isn't complete or proper without a peek into her struggles, nor can we really love someone without acknowledging all of who they were.

Phenia's approach didn't sit well with everyone. In some ways, it's just the way of the world and selfishness or evil in the human heart that someone who made such efforts to reach every soul around her would inevitably encounter people who didn't like her or even hated her.

She heard it all. She got called clingy, awkward, off-putting, rude, melodramatic, overbearing, intrusive, loud, uncomfortable, and probably many other things she didn't even tell me about.

Phenia looked inward first to ask what she was doing wrong and what she could do better. It took pretty rare circumstances to convince her that the the fault was in others rather than her, which is a tough burden to bear. After all, sometimes it's simply true that others are the problem for any number of reasons: misunderstandings, ignorance, bad moods, jealousy, poor assumptions, personality clashes, rumors, lies, social pressure, people acting in bad faith, and even mistaken identity over similar-looking names.

Leafi and I saw Phenia go through many nights of frustration and tears over wondering why some friendship had gone awry or some tie had been severed. Sometimes the person had given a reason, which is already challenging enough, but the times she got more upset where when they didn't give a reason. That was when Leafi and I asked questions to try to identify the root of the problem.

We got the impression that many times it was just alts or trolls riling her up, but at other times there were honest and understandable criticisms from people we both knew. Leafi and I didn't hold back in telling her that we could see where others were coming from, but we also thought they were mistaken. Phenia wasn't clingy, melodramatic, or anything as simple as that.

Leafi told Saraphenia that a better word for her than "clingy" was "needy"--which is often said negatively, but she was beautifully needy.

Phenia only truly blossomed in others' company and quickly got bored or lonely when she had to do her own thing alone. She always wanted to share in others' joys, and her joys with them, and likewise to help shoulder others' burdens and have their help shouldering hers. That's what Leafi and I noticed, so that's what we told her.

We also noticed that, as much as Phenia wanted others' company, she never wanted to force it or make anyone feel obligated either. That was the root of the conflict. People weren't necessarily aware that she didn't want to force it because, for any number of reasons, they were unwilling to simply say "no" and see for themselves that, even through disappointment, she'd accept it if people didn't want to spend time with her.

I don't blame them. Out of being kind, Leafi and I often weren't willing to say no either at first--but, occasionally, we were obligated to say no by the happenstance of having prior commitments with Twilight Hall, Silverwood Manor, Ord an Dragan, the Drakes Vanguard, and things going on in Wehnimer's Landing storylines. And so we learned from those situations.

Leafi told Phenia her observations that, through all her eager and abundant energy, she was never trying to push anything--and, after that late night conversation, Phenia was elated that Leafi finally completely understood her and fell asleep with cheeks stained by happy tears.

Trust, Vulnerability, and Optimism

When I think of the most extraordinarily generous GS players I've known, a few names leap to mind: Bbee, Siggurd, and Saraphenia. Generosity can come in different forms, of course. Bbee gave away monetarily valuable things and worked to include everybody and ensure they were having fun. Siggurd spends an incredible amount of time sharing knowledge and resources.

As for Phenia, others' words at her celebration of life and sent in for the TownCrier tribute page said it all: she tried to get to know everybody, because nobody was too small or insignificant to deserve her full attention, and she donated a great deal of her silver to any new person just to help them along. She estimated that she gave away 70 million silver out of the 200 she ever had--and, considering that Leafi and I personally witnessed about half of that 70 million, I'm inclined to believe it.

Phenia never expressed it this way--or, truly, any way--but she and her player seemed to live out a philosophy along the lines of...

Someone has to take the first step in extending an open hand, an open heart, and freely given trust in a relationship, so why shouldn't it be me?

Forming a solid friendship--not an acquaintance relationship and not even a mild friendship, but a deep and lasting one--is difficult without allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

Like Leafi touched on at Phenia's celebration of life, her willingness to take a chance on anyone and everyone got her burned very often--and far more often than most. However, it also made her more friends, more connections, and deeper connections than most. She took those chances, accepted those losses, cried through them, and then picked herself up and persisted with optimism anyway.

During her celebration of life, when Leafi ran down a list of qualities in which she said Phenia exceeded her, Aerocus said he thought Leafi was selling herself short--but that misses her point. (I'm not picking on him; it could have been a clarity problem on my end, not his.) She wasn't putting herself down, but illustrating how far beyond her Phenia was.

Phenia wasn't the most knowledgeable about the mechanical workings of the game. She knew that and sometimes lamented that she lacked the time to learn to my level. But if I have a dozen times her experience in battle, she had several dozen times my experience at building up our community. And if I have several dozen times her resources, she had several hundred times my generosity. If I had several hundred times better gear, then she had a thousand times better inner strength. If I had a thousand times the knowledge and ability to mentor, she had several thousand times the enthusiasm and desire to mentor.

To Leafi and to me, Phenia and her player were stars who outshone us in every respect that mattered, which are the ones that come from the heart. The phrase "my better half" can get tossed around flippantly, but I believe Phenia was and remains Leafi's better half. (She, of course, would say it was the other way around.)

Lest all of this sound overblown, an example I didn't have in Leafi's original speech comes to mind now. Whether for Phenia and Leafi's first wedding or their vow renewal, most of the invitees were Phenia's, not Leafi's. In fact, each time, Leafi shot down a handful of invitees because she and I don't have Phenia's degree of forgiving nature, which is something we need to work on. Even among the ones Leafi didn't shoot down, Phenia invited several people who had hurt her and who we absolutely would have ignored and spited if we'd been in her shoes.

That's only an example regarding people with whom Phenia still wished to mend fences. Some relationships were entirely irreparable. Occasionally, a minority of relationships were never made in good faith at all. Greedy people taking her silver and running, liars agreeing to pay it forward with no intent to follow through, con artists falsely portraying themselves as new or in need, metagaming alts proliferating hate or trolling, and other troublesome people abound.

And yet, though Phenia was burned, betrayed, deceived, and defamed, she never gave up and lost hope. Even when she came perilously close, as we all do, the minority never succeeded in pushing her to cross the threshold into bitterness nor a closed heart.

Phenia believed in a better way for her friends and loved ones. She believed in always expanding that circle of friends and loved ones. She believed in seeking reconciliation. She believed in the most famous people and she believed in the most unknown people. She believed in hope and in faith and in love--and yes, for her, the greatest of those was love.

It took her longer than she wished and longer than I'd say it should have, but before the end, Saraphenia did reach the place she had always looked for and struggled to attain. She achieved the feelings of belonging she sought. She protected her home. She built up her future--and now she's passed it on to be our future.

So, as Leafi closed with, she and I and we--her friends, her loved ones--will absolutely remember Saraphenia fondly and forever. In her stead, and in honoring the light she brought and continues to bring to our lives, let's honor her legacy of perseverance, optimism, generosity, and love.