Premium contest/2021-09 - Funny Business
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Got sharp wits and a sharper tongue? Enjoy the punnier side of life? Appreciate a good cackle? Well here's your chance to share your humor with Elanthia! Here are the requirements: 1. Provide a NAME for an NPC who will be telling the joke. 2. Provide the RACE for the NPC listed in 1 above. 3. Provide the GENDER for the NPC listed in 1 above. 4. Provide a DESCRIPTION of the NPC listed in 1 above. This is what is seen when you LOOK at them. 5. Provide the FIRST response that the NPC will give if asked for a joke. Note that ALL responses must be a minimum of 15 words, and cannot exceed 65 words. All responses must be appropriate for use in Elanthia (they must conform to POLICY). 6. Provide the SECOND response that the NPC will give if asked for a joke. 7. Provide the THIRD response that the NPC will give if asked for a joke. Example of a submission: 1. Clauder. 2. Dwarf. 3. Male. 4. This particular dwarf looks like he's been sitting in this bar since the thing was built. He's got a wildly unkempt beard, rheumy eyes, and the weight of the world on his broad shoulders. 5. Rumor says someone broke into the constable's office and stole all the chamberpots. They're looking into it, but the Constable's got nothing to go on. 6. What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. 7. That graveyard is getting kinda overcrowded. People must be dying to get in. Entries that do not conform to the above requirements will not be considered eligible. Contestants have until 11:59 pm PT on October 1st, 2021 to get entries submitted.
Winners
Here are the Premium Contest winners in alphabetical order:
- Agathilea
- Heliantha (Plat)
- Laehna
- Leifa
- Obelin
- Palcron
- Roelon
- Tolwynn
- Xanith
- Yukito
Entries
1. Sebastian 2. Giantman 3. Male 4. Sebastian is tall, even for a kindred, but appears to have put his battling days behind him as evidenced by his out of shape appearance. He wears garb signifying him a member of the Issimir clan, and his eyes twinkle with mirth as he grins at you. 5. I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes. 6. Do you know the last thing the chieftain said to me before they kicked the bucket? "Sebastian, watch how far I can kick this bucket." 7. The clan healer told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
1. Norman 2. Human 3. Male 4. A appears to be an almost nondescript man with slightly curly hair with slight salt and peppering of gray hairs mixed with dark. 5. Has anyone told you that you have a beautiful face? Like a flower, a cauliflower! 6. Rumor is that you have a lot of well-wishers here. And a lot of them want to throw you down one. A well. They want to murder you in a well. 7. The only time that you have something on your mind is when you wear a hat.
1. The Great Floydino. 2. Burghal gnome. 3. Male. 4. This Burghal gnome looks like he might swindle you into owning an elderly three-legged horse when not telling jokes, but he possesses an oddly warm half smile and a passionate gleam in his eyes. He wears a wildly colored plaid jacket, an equally offbeat but mismatched round hat with a turned-up brim and a flat crown, and a red bowtie that’s too large for a giantman let alone gnome. 5. What’s the difference between roast rolton and pea soup? Anyone can roast rolton, but you might want to see an empath about that other one. 6. I saw a terrible battle up there on Glatoph, just terrible! A frost giant cleaved this adventuring heroine's hands clean off right in front of me! I ran to her aid and was going to drag her back to town, but she hollered “hands off!” 7. This Landing farmer I know was returning home one evening when he spied a young fellow and lady very busy in his field next to the North Gate. He called to them asking what they were up to, but the young man replied "no harm, farmer, we’re only trying to prop a gate."
1. 'Glass' 2. A human spirit trapped within a gilt-edge flawless crystal mirror 3. The spirit has a male personality 4. Floating with disembodied ambivalence within the confines of a cloud-filled gilt framed mirror, a floating human face of monochrome hue sways back and forth. Its sockets are empty black pools and its face is curled with a sardonic half-grin. 5. The human face gives an annoyed huff and seems to roll its non-existent eyes at your request. Suddenly, the foggy mist within the mirror shifts and for a brief moment the mirror is nothing more than a typical reflection of yourself. A few seconds later the face returns and offers, "How was that?" with a devilish smirk. 6. "A joke?", groans the face within the mirror, "What? The fact that you seem to have robbed your grandmother of her favorite curtains when choosing your attire isn't enough?" 7. " They say, "The clothes make the <man/maid>. But in your case they should probably change it to, 'The clothes make the dung covered urgh'.
1. Lord Aanguss MacDerbott 2. Human 3. Male 4. You observe a middle-aged fellow, fairly short in stature whose frame is bulky but lacking definition in the jowls and mid-section. His face is pale and haggard with a kohl-flecked patchy grey beard and a misshapen nose that looks to have been broken a time or two. Deep-set grey-green eyes that lack expression gloom out from beneath a shadowy hood and the slightest shock of curly red hair tumbles over his forehead. His form is obscured by a shapeless grey woolen cloak, but you notice that his sabatons, whilst tarnished, bear an embellished insignia. 5. On my way to the tournament, I bumped into my rival jousting opponent. We exchanged lances. 6. How did the King's brewmaster cheer to the King's champion in the tournament? "Soldier Awn!" 7. Did you hear about the knight who was forced into retirement? I heard he went freelance.
1. Brendalynne. 2. Giantkin. 3. Female. 4. Hair worn in a tight bun and spectacles perched precariously on her nose attached to a chain around her neck, this giantkin nevertheless exudes a commanding air that makes you think twice about doing anything to cross her. 5. A sorcerer walks into the library and informs the librarian, "I am destined to conquer valences. Do you have any books on extraplanar travel?" The librarian looks at him and replies, "We used to, but you fools never bring them back." 6. What do you call it when a warrior crushes someone's skull with a book? Literally murder! 7. Did you hear about the tourmalines that Tandrik gave as a gift to Estamil? How necromantic!
1. Brissoni 2. Half-Elf 3. Male 4. Chubby cheeks and the ruddy complexion of a drunkard lend this man a jolly air even before he speaks. Clad in a blood-stained apron and wielding a massive cleaver, the sweat of exertion shines off the bald head of the enormous butcher. 5. You know, I'm in line to be the Argent Mirror, but I just can't see myself in it. 6. Had a visitor in from River's Rest the other day, tried to pay with a bit of tree bark and a table leg. I tell 'em we only take silver here. Walked right out the door, came back an hour later with a sack full of forks. 7. You've got a little something on your face. You may think it's gold, but s'not.
1. Bunce 2. Halfling 3. Male 4. This halfling seems to have raided the wrong wardrobe, having somehow managed to wear clothing fit for a giantman. Tiny arms poke out from either side of a leather tunic, struggling to keep the large garment up, while little hairy feet barely peek out from under a heavily folded kilt. 5. What did the spirit Ghezresh say when he lost an entire island? Eel today, gone tomorrow! 6. Why do dwarven bards sound better by candlelight? Because you can shove the wax in your ears! 7. Why did the cheerful necromancer kill his depressed allies? He just wanted to raise their spirits!
1. Doblar Heronia 2. Giantman 3. Male 4. You see Commander of Comedy Doblar Heronia. He is surely the giantest of Giantmen. He is probably taller than Mount Aenatumgana and has a muscular physique. He appears to be the prime of life. He has intense grey eyes that are sometimes blue, when he so wishes, with deep laugh lines cut into the corners. He has dark brown hair that he has permitted to be grey at the temples. He is wearing nothing special, save for a golvern-plated war harness, bristling with an array of every weapon imaginable, and a slight smirk. 5. What's better den killin' two birds wid one stone? Killin' two stones wid one bird. 6. Wanna know da best place ta get breakfast round dees parts? Ya gotta check out dat Duskruin Arena. Dey serve up a mean breakfast of champions. 7. People always askin' me, “Doblar, what's da best type'a armor ta wear for maximum protection?” Me chuckles and says, “couldn't tell ya, ma armor wears me for protection.”
1. Agata 2. Human 3. Female 4. With nut-brown skin criss-crossed by wrinkles and snow white hair wound into a messy chignon, Agata looks nearly as old as the seas themselves. The corners of her deep-set sea-green eyes crinkle upward, and the wrinkled lips pulled over toothless gums give her a perpetually mirthful expression. She is garbed simply in a loose ecru blouse, an apron-covered black skirt, and simple black leather ankle-boots. 5. Can a kobold jump higher than Mount Aenatumagana? Of course he can, mountains can't jump! 6. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other? Dill with it. 7. Why did the thief jump in the bathtub? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!
1. Jaider the Raider 2. Paradis Halfling 3. Male 4. Jaider is a Paradis Halfling who, though weary from war, carries a mirthful disposition. He has freckled, ashen skin and shaggy brown hair growing around the sides of his misshapen bald head. He has crossed blue eyes, wide piglike nostrils, and paper-thin lips. He has a pudgy, rounded torso, stubby legs, and flake ridden foothair atop his large feet. 5. A travelling Faendryl once asked where the best place to hunt was. I slurred, “Itzhir”. He angrily stormed away. 6. The Rift is a crazy place. The crawlers burrow from plane to plane and the fetish masters stitch ya up without n’ecare. 7. I once saw an eager cockatrice mate with a rabid sheep. It laid a rolton egg.